Lyn Liao Butler on Debuting During the Pandemic & Research When Writing Literature of Place

Mindy: Welcome to Writer Writer Pants on Fire, where authors talk about things that never happened to people who don't exist. We also cover craft, the agent hunt, query trenches, publishing, industry, marketing and more. I'm your host, Mindy McGinnis. You can check out my books and social media at mindymcginnis dot com and make sure to visit the Writer Writer Pants on Fire blog for additional interviews, query critiques and more as well as full transcriptions of each podcast episode. at WriterWriterPants on Fire.com. And don’t forget to check out the Writer, Writer, Pants on Fire Facebook page. Give me feedback, suggest topics you’d like to hear discussed, and let me know if there is someone you’d love to see a a guest.

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Mindy: We’re here with Lyn Liao Butler, author of The Tiger Mom’s Tale and the Red Thread of Fate, which will be coming out February 8th. First thing I'd really like to talk about is Your debut, The Tiger Mom’s Tale, which came out in July of 2021. And I know that it did very well. I remember seeing it many places and hearing about it repeatedly. What is that experience like as a debut author to have a fairly spectacular debut?

Lyn: I’m glad you say that because I didn't think it was that spectacular, actually. So I guess everything is subjective, just like publishing, right? I think my publicity and marketing team - I'm with Berkeley - they did an amazing job. You're right. The book was everywhere, and it still is kind of. I was just traveling and saw in airports everywhere, so they did a great job getting the book out. I don't know about sales per se, but, but I had to wait two years from the time that it was sold for it to come out because of the pandemic. So it was just anticlimactic by the time it came out. Definitely an exciting time. 

Mindy: Absolutely. I don't know about sales. That's something that the average reader and the average listener may not know is that we don't always have a good handle on how well our own books are actually performing. Visibility really can feel like one of the only measurements of success in my experience. Like being inside of publishing, we talk about buzz a lot in the industry, and I can see the inside of the publishing industry. This book had really big buzz. Like I've been seeing this cover for two years. I don't know. There is some frustration there, isn't there because you don't always know how well you are are not actually doing?

Lyn: And then the different places that you can check are always different, like they're never the same numbers and then the numbers that your publisher has. So yeah, you never really know. And nobody really gives you the full answer. I guess until you get your first royalty statement or something. But that hasn't happened yet for me. So, um, it's very true.

Mindy: And when you get your royalty statement. Even then, those numbers are six months old by the time you get it. 

Lyn: Right, exactly. So it's good to hear you say that there was buzz because I think they did create a lot of buzz for it, And I think one of the reasons probably is because we waited this long to get the book. 

Mindy: So, of course, like you said, Covid played a role in your release and in the timing, and there was a delay for you. Covid has been hard on everyone in so many different ways. I mean, I talk about my experiences and how my life changed because of it. But in the large picture, as someone who is self employed and works from home already, I wasn't impacted greatly. But debut authors in that late 2019 / 2020 period and then in the first, like probably 6 to 7 months if not all of 2021 definitely were impacted. I remember thinking as an author that has already had, like, 10 books out when Covid hit. Thank God I'm not a debut. So can you talk a little bit about the experience of debuting during the pandemic? 

Lyn: So back in December of 2019, a group of us - the 2020 debuts - met up for holiday drinks and, you know, dinner and we were all celebrating like our debuts are about to start. We're so excited. We're going to go to each other's debuts because we were all in New York City and then we went to like two. And then the pandemic hit and everything shut down. And I just felt so bad for my friends that debuted in March, April, May of 2020. Like the whole 2020 everything that they planned -  in person events, everything was canceled. 

And then my book got pushed back Into 2021 early 2021, and they got pushed back even more into summer. And you know, looking back, it was hard to wait that long, but at the same time, just watching the 2020's coming out and having to adjust to virtual events and just basically seeing their dreams for what they wanted on their debut day not happening. I did end up in July 2021. I was able to have an outdoor in person launch event as well as the virtual, so it was better for me. I guess. So, in a way, it kind of worked out, I think better for me. But it was a very hard time to debut, like no doubt about it. And sales kind of reflected that because a lot of the events got canceled. You weren't able to go and launch your book and market it. So it's been tough. 

Mindy: Not only do you have the issue of having to cancel in person events and anything that your publisher had planned for you, but also promotions and everything that you were hoping to kind of make a wave with. As the debut author now, suddenly so many of our tools have been taken away from you. And there were tools that you hadn't really had a chance to even adjust to holding them in your hands yet. And now you don't even have them.

Lyn: Even something simple as just going to a bookstore and seeing your book like a lot of them didn't get to see it until I think 2021. 

Mindy: Yeah, that's super impactful. I would imagine that if there are people who have been financially impacted and they want to buy a book they're more than likely going to rely on their old favorites and people that they know, authors that they know, rather than take a chance and buy a book by a debut author. Because again, if you're coming out, if you're debuting with a hard cover, those are going to be expensive and you don't have all of the purchasing options. 

I know that you said you haven't had a royalty statement yet. I'm interested once I have all the data to see if audio books or e book sales have gone up. If people are not able to go to a bookstore anymore, if they're going to go to the E book. My sales have always been very solidly on the physical book side. 

Lyn: I have no idea. You're right. Very interesting to see once you get an idea.

Mindy: Beyond publishing, talking about the writing experience and what it was like to write, you have been a professional ballet and a modern dancer. You're still a personal trainer, fitness instructor, a yoga instructor. You have a very, very active physical life. So what made you decide I think I want to try writing?

Lyn: I've always been an avid reader. We moved here to the States when I was seven from Taiwan, and one of the ways my mom helped us to read was to go to the library and get books. And from the moment I got my first book, I was hooked. So I read all the time and I still read all the time. But the best thing in my life is having a good meal while reading. Like I don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to read. And so I lived in New York City for many years, like over a decade, and, you know, I was dancing professionally, and when I moved out the city after I got married, I was only in the suburbs. But my friends in the city called the country and they wanted to know what I was doing in the country. Like I'm not in the country. I'm in the suburbs. 

So I started a blog just to keep them updated on what I was doing and just, you know, like stories about my life. People just start saying, like how funny they were and what a great writer I was. I was like, I've never taken a writing course before or any writing workshop. I just decided, I woke up on one January 2015 and decided I'm going to write a book. I wrote a book. And it was a very bad book and I wrote it in six months. And then I started querying it in June 2015 without a single person having read it. And then I started googling how to, you know, find an agent. Then I realized I was doing everything wrong, so I joined critique groups and got critique partners, beta readers. I just decided one day I was going to write a book. 

Mindy: I think that's awesome, because it's very similar to my own experience. I always wanted to be a writer. I knew that's what I wanted to do. But I also was very dedicated to being practical. I'm a farmer's daughter and, uh, not from a long line of writers. That's not what we do, we’re farmers. I knew that I had to have a job right? I had to have a real job. I had to be able to pay the bills, so I never took any steps like you're saying towards making that a real option. I didn't take classes. I never had any sort of writers group that I attended. I just read a lot, and I really do think that that is the key. People ask me all the time, if you could give any advice to writers, what would you give? And it's very simple. Just read.

Lyn: Exactly. I mean, that's basically how I learned how to write a book, was just reading all my favorite authors and then kind of analyzing like, Okay, how do they introduce the characters? Where is the climax? If it’s a thriller, where do they start giving hints? I basically just study my favorite books, and that's how I learned to write a book. So I don't know anything about the three act structure or Save the Cat. Like I've never read any of that basically, because I read so much and across so many genres that I kind of picked up how to write a book from them.

Mindy: Verbatim. This was my experience. So my first book came out and I had a friend I had met through writers groups that was an adult author, and she sent me a message on Facebook, she said - you could teach a seminar on three act structure. And I wrote back and I was like, That's cool. What's three act structure?

Lyn: Exactly. Somebody said that to me too. Another writer friend was telling me, Oh, you did this, and this and something, in the second act. I was like, I have no idea what you're talking about.

Mindy: I love it. I love it that it is a craft that you really can just absorb. Teach yourself. So I'm curious, since you are also a professional in a very, very different arena. How did you then come to dancing? I'm sure that it was a different route, like we're talking classes from a very young age, right?

Lyn: I was a pianist and on that route where my mom like, entered me in all these contests and I was winning them all and like, you know, I played all through college, and then one day I was auditioning for something and I froze, like in the middle of a classical piece. I can't even remember what it was, but I forgot. And I realized that when you're playing classical piano and you freeze, there's no way out of it. You can't fake your way through. You can't improvise. 

And that day I decided I'm not doing this anymore. I decided I was going to focus on dance. I've always danced from a young age, but not seriously. And I decided I was gonna be a dancer because if you freeze on stage, you can just make something up. Nobody will know. My mom said, you know, typical Asian parents, they wanted me to get a real job that pays well. And my mom said, Okay, we'll give you two years after college. We'll help support you. If you don't make it as a dancer in New York City, then you have to get a real job. 

I was lucky I did get cast in a bunch of shows and ballet companies and modern dance companies, and I did that. And while I was doing that, I started training people because I needed a job that paid money but was flexible, and I tried waitressing. But you know you're on your feet. You're dancing eight hours a day and then you're on your feet 6 to 7 more hours. It was just too much. And since I knew so much about the body. I got my certification. And then from there I owned a gym in the city, became a fitness instructor and then a yoga instructor. And it's a really great balance to writing I find, because I can get up, go teach a class torture people yell at them or ohm and relax them. And then I come back. My head is cleared because I've done something physical and makes it such a great balance from writing for me. 

Mindy: I also played piano. we have a lot in common. I played piano from a very, very young age, and you are right, Boy, when you lose it, it's gone. 

Lyn: There's no there's no coming back.

Mindy: You can't find it again. You don't know where you were and you're just sitting there staring at this machine that has 88 buttons on it, and you're just like…

Lyn: I mean, I was lucky. It was an audition and not a concert, and I think that was when I just stood up and I said to them, I’m done. And they're like, Well, you can start over if you want to start again. I was like I'm done and I walked off.

Mindy: There's nothing more intense, but as someone that did competitions and recitals and concerts, those competitions, there is nothing like it. I am from the country. Like there's nothing out here except corn and deer, and we would go to a college campus. You know, it seemed like the biggest city in the world, and you walk into a room and it's you and a panel of judges and a piano. 

Lyn: Exactly. And that's it.

Mindy: And you sit down and you better get it freaking right because it's on you and only you and no one is coming to save you like there's that's it.

Lyn: And its classical. So everybody knows exactly what it's supposed to sound like. So if you make a mistake or you make something up, they know. 

Mindy: No, there's no getting away from it. And in the competitions that I did, you didn't have your music and they had their music in front of them. So you better deliver. I got out of it earlier. I was in high school, I was getting older, and I wanted to be focusing more on my athleticism. When you play piano that seriously, it's like I would practice three or four hours a day, right? 

Lyn: Right, Exactly.

Mindy: No more doing that. But I do think it was so fundamental to my development, even as a small child, to be like, Okay, this is on me and only me. No one is helping me, and I have to do this on my own. And it's terrifying.

Lyn: But also, I think, it made us, I think, prepared for the publishing world a little bit more than maybe other people. I also find that my dancing was because you'd go to cattle calls in your city where there's like hundreds of girls all trying out for one spot, and they just go down the line and say, No, you're too tall, You're too fat, You're too Asian. You're too, you know, white. You're too black or you're too brown. And they just like without even watching or like you can't dance, you know, you suck, and it's just such a you know, they call it a cattle call for a reason. That I think it helped me build up that thick skin for rejections. When it comes to the publishing world, you absolutely must have a thick skin.

Mindy: And you were already operating inside of the entertainment industry where it will kill you if you don't.

Lyn: And same with publishing. I know I talked to A lot of new authors who are like I have to show my work to someone? I don't want to show them. I'm like, Well, that's the whole point of writing a book is that readers are going to review them and most of the time, everybody gets ripped apart in some way. No matter how good your book is, somebody is going to hate it. And if you're not ready to show it to the world and maybe you're not ready for the publishing world.

Mindy: Absolutely. And that's something that I tell people all of the time is that the rejection never stops. You may be accepted by an agent and then a publisher, and then you get published. And now you have however, many people there are in the world possibilities of rejection. So many things, I think, tie into the ability to put yourself on the line. You know, we might be behind the laptop. But those those darts still hurt.

Lyn: People say, Don't read your reviews. I did read them up until I guess, like right after publishing, because then there's just too many, like I didn't want to keep up with it anymore. I actually started doing something on my Instagram. I got the idea from - I don't know if you heard or Sally Hepworth. She's like a domestic thriller. I found her because I saw her video on Instagram where she does these things called One Star Fridays. Well, she'll read them out. She's completely respects whoever rates it. She's just saying This is what they say, kind of relive it, share it with the audience and then it's out. It's out there. So I started doing them, and it's actually very freeing because, you know, you get comments like - this is the worst book I have ever read, and then it just kind of makes you laugh like Oh my God, somebody thinks my book is the worst book that they’ve ever read. Not making fun of the reviewer. I completely respect them for their opinion. Just the fact that they can even write that, um and then I just share it and, you know, people are trying to defend me. I'm like, No, it's okay. I'm okay. It's really fine. 

Mindy: I really like that. I think that's really cool. I read my reviews when I was first published. Where I land on reviews is that, you know, good reviews just kind of make you pat yourself on the back and not necessarily continue to push or grow forward as a writer. And bad reviews just make you feel shitty. 

Lyn: Unless you can laugh at them, then it's, you know, then it's okay. I'm reading these reviews and they're like, It's completely unbelievable! And then I’m like, Well, yeah, it's a novel!

Mindy: I have had the experience of - and I talked about this with another guest that I had on recently - is that there are some things that, perhaps may be unbelievable, but they're in service of the plot. So, for example, I read a thriller that was set at a school very recently, and it was this very well reviewed book and everyone loved it and thought it was great. It wasn’t YA. It was about the adult staff and I was reading it and getting irritated because I worked in a school for 14 years and so many things about how a school functions and interactions between staff and students are managed and even interactions between staff and staff. No, like no, no, that would never happen. No, that is wrong, you know, and like getting vaguely upset about it and then having to go - It doesn't matter, because No one wants to read a book about the daily operation of a school. It is boring.

Lyn: Yes. But at the same time, I do as a writer try to get like, if I'm writing about school, I'll try to get those details, you know, as correct as possible. I just set a book in Kauai and we went - This is the best thing we ever did in the pandemic. We went to Kaui and lived there for two months earlier this year because we knew we were going to be in lockdown again in New York, and I was like, If you want to be locked down. We might as well just do it in Hawaii. So, you know, we went there and I did research. So I do try to get the details of certain things Like I needed a rescue mission, you know, somebody falls into a river. I realized I got the details of that completely wrong. So if I had published it that way, if somebody read it that knows about Hawaii. They're going to be like, That's not right. 

Mindy: I mean, I totally agree. I do the best that I absolutely can to make sure that it is as accurate as it can be, but at the same time. So, for example, you're talking about a rescue mission where someone is falling into the water. You don't have to convince A search and rescue operation person that you know what you're talking about because let's just take a stab. Let’s say that people that work in search and rescue for their professional living, Let's just pretend that's .05% of the population. How many of those .05 are even readers? And then how many of that percentage is actually going to pick up your book? You're not writing it for the professionals to read it and go Damn, she got that right. Like you're writing for the average reader to believe that you know what you're talking about, right? 

Lyn: Exactly. 

Mindy: But at the same time, you do everything you can to make sure it's right, because, I mean, just for me, it comes down to not being lazy. There will be scenes in a book where a body has been found. The coroner doesn't show up first and take the body. Like no one has showed up and taken pictures. You need to try a little harder.As someone that is not in that profession, I’m looking at it going. I am like 99% sure that's not right. 

Lyn: Exactly. You want to get at least the basics right? So that average people read it. They aren't going to be like - that's not right. But I love researching for books, and I always tell people like I try to set books where I want to go. To travel to. And then I'll set up there and then go and do research, and now it becomes a business trip.

Mindy: That’s very smart. I'm actually going to Hawaii next week. Friends from college, a couple of us got divorced right around the same time and we planned a trip to get our funk out. And it got canceled because of Covid. So we ended up being able to put it back together. And next week I’m going to Hawaii.

Lyn: I actually just got back from Hawaii. Last week. I was going to the Kauai writers conference, and then the minute I booked everything, it got canceled. But then my agent sold the book that I set in Hawaii. So I just just decided to go and, you know, just hang out and get the culture and everything again. So it was great. You're gonna have a great time.

Mindy: That's wonderful. I'm excited about it. It's amazing to me how things have opened up for us as authors. You have the ability to go and do this research that adds, like a whole layer - like don't get me wrong. Everything about it is going to be more visceral because you have been there and you know, but um I remember when I was writing my second book, which takes place across like, this apocalyptic version of most of the United States. At some point, they end up in Nebraska, and I'm like, Okay, what the hell does Nebraska look like? They're going to be in Nebraska for, like, one chapter. So am I going to fly to Nebraska? Probably not. I have Google Maps, and I can take my little person and drop them down for the 360 view and look around and be like, this is what Nebraska looks like. Okay, I got it.

Lyn: That's a great thing about the Internet. Now you can google anything. But, you know, my book is actually completely set there, and the stuff that happens, it happens at a specific location during a certain kind of thunderstorm and stuff so that it was great to be there. But I have a book that I'm working on, that's part of is set in Oklahoma, and I'm like, Yeah, I probably won't fly to Oklahoma. I'll do research on it and, you know, ask people who have lived there because it's not a big part of it. But if it was, I probably would if it got sold. I love to travel.

Mindy: I do, too, And it's been hard to not be able to do that lately. So, um and I will say, Actually, it is interesting the things that you pick up on when you are in a space physically like you're there. When I was in Oklahoma, you know, something that I probably never would have seen in pictures or had someone talk about but what my takeaway of it was, and I didn't even consider this - they grow a lot of cotton in Oklahoma, and I didn't know that. And when they harvest it and there's wind, there's literally just cotton everywhere and it's blowing around and there's little like spider webs of cotton sticking in all of the trees. And it's like accumulating in the ditches. And it's just nothing I have ever seen before in my life. It's like a weird little environmental miracle to me, and they're just like, Oh, yeah, I mean, it's just cotton to them.

Lyn: That’s really funny.

Mindy: They think nothing of it.

Lyn: I'm gonna have to file that away for, you know, for future reference. 

Mindy: Like I said, I worked in the school, and whenever we have an international student that has never seen snow before and it starts snowing, class just stops and everybody gets to go outside so that this individual gets to experience snow. That's what the Cotton was like for me.

Lyn: Every different area has their own little thing that’s very interesting. And that's also why I love to read books because getting transported to these places and like you might not ever go to. So now I learned something about Oklahoma that's going to stick with me. 

Mindy: So let's talk really quick about the book that you have coming out in February. Red Thread of Fate, which has a gorgeous cover. I just discovered it, and it's pretty amazing. 

Lyn: It's actually about a kind of family that is not through blood. So a woman named Tam and her husband are about to adopt a little boy from an orphanage in China, and then the husband and his estranged cousin are killed in a freak accident, and she’s suddenly left the guardian of the cousins. A five year old daughter as well as trying to decide if she's going to complete the adoption. And it kind of delves into the adoption process from China and the special bond that the caretakers, the nannies that work in the orphanages have with the children. It's inspired by my husband and my journey, when we adopted our little boy. It's not our story. It's completely different. But the journey itself was inspired by what we went through, and it's just my way of just kind of showing how like families can, you know you're tied together by this red thread. It could be by blood. It could be through adoption or whether it's through a love interest or mother daughter, son, how people are just tied together. I'm very excited about this book.

Mindy: People use the phrase like found family. I feel like it can go.. I'm going to use the phrase deeper than that. But also even a wider net, like I know as someone that grew up in a really small area, very, very tiny community and then worked in the school that I attended as a student. I would have students that were, you know, the Children of my classmates. And even if they were classmates that I had not seen in 15, 20 years, I would look at that student and number one - I immediately know it's their child. But I also have, like this affinity for that person simply because I had a relationship with her parent. 

Lyn: Exactly. And that was the point of this book that you know, you have these threads or things that connect you to other people. And a lot of times, you know, it's maybe not family, but you're just drawn to someone for some reason and how you're all just connected by fate somehow. I love this book because I just feel like it gets deeper into a subject that a lot of people don't talk about. And there's also, you know, family secrets. And I think my editor was the one that said it was surprisingly thrilling, and one of the early reviews I got was like, Yeah, there's like elements of suspense and thriller in there and I didn't realize I did that, so it's kind of interesting how people perceived it. 

Mindy: It's nice when you achieve something you didn't mean to, right?

Lyn: Yeah. So it was very funny that more than one person said that. And I remember when I was querying this book one of the agents said to me, You wrote a really fast paced thriller and I'm going, What are you talking about? I didn't write a thriller. I was like, It's more women's fiction. And now that my editors said that I’m like,  Oh, I guess there are elements of thriller-ish in there. 

Mindy: It's really funny because I've had the experience of having my books read by college classes and I'll go in and I'll speak to them and occasionally someone will be like, I loved how you used the elements of the Furies in this and you wove in all of this Greek mythology and I'm like, I really, really didn’t mean to. I would love to just nod sagely and be like, Yes, I'm glad you picked up on that, and I'm just like I meant to do that. I'm really honest. I'm just like it is really cool that you think I'm that smart.

Lyn: Like they say, once you write, the book it’s out there. It becomes the reader's book and how they want to interpret it. 

Mindy: Totally, totally agreed. Last thing, why don't you let listeners know where they can find you online and where they can buy your books?

Lyn: I made it easy. You can just find me anywhere at Lynn Liao Butler,  just all three names together on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook. It's all the same. My website is LynnLiaoButlerdotcom. So I just made it easy for everybody. And my books are basically sold anywhere. You can buy books online and book stores there in a lot of airports right now. So, like I said from Hawaii I laid over in LAX and I found my book in five different kiosks at the airport, and I was just literally running through the airport taking pictures of myself in the book. They must have been like, What is this woman doing?? It's really exciting. 

Mindy: I read a story one time about Neil Gaiman moving through an airport. I don't remember where he was, but he stopped and there was, I think it was his Norse Mythology book and he just like a stealth signed the copies. And then he He was like sitting at his gate and he tweeted, You know, Hey, I signed all the copies at this location, this wing of the airport and, like, people started running.

Lyn: Yeah, I'm not at that level yet.

Mindy: No, me neither. But he was just like he was like, Oh God, like, is there some sort of like red alert terror alarm? It's like No, it was your tweet.

Lyn: That’s hysterical.

Mindy: Writer Writer Pants on Fire is produced by Mindy McGinnis. Music by Jack Korbel. Don't forget to check out the blog for additional interviews, writing advice and publication tips at Writer Writer Pants on Fire dot com. If the blog or podcast have been helpful to you or if you just enjoy listening, please consider donating. Visit Writer Writer Pants on Fire dot com and click “support the blog and podcast” in the sidebar.

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Mindy: Welcome to Writer Writer Pants on Fire, where authors talk about things that never happened to people who don't exist. We also cover craft, the agent hunt, query trenches, publishing, industry, marketing and more. I'm your host, Mindy McGinnis. You can check out my books and social media at mindymcginnis dot com and make sure to visit the Writer Writer Pants on Fire blog for additional interviews, query critiques and more as well as full transcriptions of each podcast episode. at WriterWriterPants on Fire.com. And don’t forget to check out the Writer, Writer, Pants on Fire Facebook page. Give me feedback, suggest topics you’d like to hear discussed, and let me know if there is someone you’d love to see a a guest.

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Mindy: We're here with Caitlin Wahrer, author of The Damage which released on June 15 and Caitlin has written a really edgy, propulsive read. It's all about a small town family dealing with the aftermath of a brutal rape of one of their family members. But one of the things that makes this so interesting is that the victim is male. And as soon as I read the summary, I thought, oh well this is different. So I'm first of all just was so entranced by the description because it tackles something that is important to me, which of course is sexual assault and the aftermath and how it affects so many people, not just the victim. Then to kind of flip the script and have the victim be male, I thought was really pretty ingenious. So if you would like to talk a little bit about the book, The Damage and why you decided to approach it the way you did. 

Caitlin: The first idea that I had was about a husband and wife, a problem that they were going to go through in terms of the wife realizing that her husband was going through a pretty negative change and was starting to feel vengeful about something and I thought, okay, so I'm going to give him a younger sibling but I don't want it to be a female. If I'm going to have a victim in the book, I want it to be male because I don't want to write female. And that was really how I started off with the very beginning of Nick's character. From there, I ended up deciding pretty cautiously to be honest, to write about sexual assault and just with each draft of the book, I would have someone else read it and be like, what do you think of this? And kind of talk to them about it. And with each draft, I decided okay, like I'm going to keep going with this version of the story. 

But ultimately it really came from a place of almost feeling a little bit tired of reading about female victims and just wanting it to be different. But then once I had done that I realized I had set up this total need to talk about what Nick would be going through and maybe parts of it would be recognizable to victims of any gender. But some of it is kind of specific to male survivors or at least specific to like broad strokes what researchers say male survivors go through. It ended up being this really interesting, possibly important or at least hopefully done in a way that isn't harmful discussion of what a young man might experience after a sexual assault. 

Mindy: You mentioned that you have done some research. Many of the things that Nick goes through are very similar to what a female would go through. So for example, just of course the feeling of being violated, but also that concern about, well I went willingly to this man's house, we had drinks together. Does it look bad that I was out cruising? That of course is universal. And as we all know, is the first thing that comes up in female rape case. What were you wearing? Where were you? How much had you had to drink? At what point did you remove consent? And is that even plausible? The similarities are definitely there. If you could talk a little bit about your research and the similarities between a female survivor and then of course the differences between a female and a male survivor of sexual assault. 

Caitlin: I completely agree with what you said about some of the big similarities. I think that anyone who engages the criminal justice process, whether they do it voluntarily looking for justice or if it kind of happens without them even really almost consenting to the fact that there is now going to be a criminal procedure. You know, a lot of times people aren't really told what it's going to entail, how long it's going to take, what possible outcomes are. And in the case of this story, it really gets kicked off because Nick's friends call the police on their way to the hospital. And so he feels like he didn't even really decide to involve the police, it happened there. Here and now he feels the need to deal with it. But also, I think that no matter who you are, if you engage the criminal process, a big part of what happens is your story just gets completely picked apart and almost removed from you in the sense that people are interviewing you, they really want to make sure that your statements are consistent. 

So you're almost getting cross examined when you're getting interviewed, depending on how the interviewer handles the situation. Some do it differently, but it's kind of common, at least for detectives or police officers, Sheriff's deputies, whoever is doing it in that jurisdiction to kind of really be needling almost the survivor about what happened because they know that a defense attorney is going to do the same thing later on. Criminal procedures tend to kind of be a zero sum game from the defense perspective. Not always, not every defense attorney, but I do think that that's a huge part of what happens. And so that part of the experience can be re-traumatizing and really brutal and unhelpful no matter who you are. So that's another thing that I think is really similar regardless of your gender. 

But one thing that I kind of realized as I just read things over the years that I worked on the book and eventually started reading textbooks almost about male survivors, how it impacts their view of themselves as men. And this is not universal at all. But a common thing that this textbook was talking about and that I read in other places is this idea that men in America and probably lots of other places grow up with this really strong message about what it means to be a man, what it means to be masculine, you're a winner. You end fights, you are sexually aggressive and sexually available, always. You are kind of supposed to be physically dominant and being sexually victimized by someone is the antithesis of a lot of that messaging that men get. It also really impacts their views of themselves as men and women definitely have their own things that they would struggle with. It's not exactly that because that's not the messaging that they're getting. 

And so that was something that I realized was kind of missing in the story that it would be really natural that Nick would probably struggle with that, especially given how his brother was acting in the wake of the crime, trying to fix everything, really micromanaging him and breathing down his neck about what Nick wants and what he thinks Nick wants and not listening to him. And so Nick loses a lot of agency throughout the story. And some of it I think naturally is tied to his view of himself as a man. 

Mindy: That's one of the, I think the biggest things that comes into it as far as the differences. I just very recently finished listening to Missoula by Jon Krakauer. The football team was basically sexually assaulting people left and right and they weren't getting reported or it was being brushed under the rug. One of their administrations even just referred to it as thuggery. One of the things that was really interesting to me listening to that book, like it was very, very difficult to listen to because for one thing they examined very carefully, two or three different cases. One of them, the assailant did end up serving hard time and in another got off like scot free. And what you're talking about with the absolute picking apart of the story and everyone being asked for the most extreme details, not only intimate details, but also  - did you ask before you changed positions, did you consent to change? Like questions that are highly detailed about things that you may not be making a note of in the moment and they’re you know, intense moments anyway. 

And I think for me, one of the things while reading your book that stood out was the fact that Nick, as I said before is dealing with a lot of the same when it comes to similar reactions of how much of this is my fault and was I consenting to a point? Now with Nick, it's a little different because he is assaulted. He's hit on the head before the crime actually commences so he doesn't have to work quite so hard to establish himself as an unwilling participant. However, just the fact that he is male brings it back to - for women if they freeze and they're asked why didn't you scream? Why didn't you fight back? You know, the answer is like I'm paralyzed with fear, but for a man like you were saying you're supposed to fight back, like fighting is your instinct, you know, why didn't that happen? 

Caitlin: I kind of made a point because I was using the internet also the way that there would be a newspaper article published online and there's always a comment section and those comments sections are just the worst places on the planet basically. And I kind of felt like that was a really natural place for people to be almost kind of putting some of that toxic masculine ideas out there of like - is it even really believable that he was unconscious from being hit on the head? Do we even believe that part of it? He probably did consent to all of this, and then he made up a story, or maybe he was actually so drunk and embarrassed that he couldn't hold his liquor, like, just kind of all of this trash that people in real life post on these stories. But in this case they're posting in about a man and the different things that they would think about that, and also some comments about the fact that he's a gay man, all of that kind of coming out and being part of what Nick is dealing with the anxiety and additional trauma around the event, knowing that people think that kind of stuff about him and are talking about it and wondering if it's going to impact the outcome of the case, and does it even matter? It's impacting him right now.

Mindy: Right. I thought too, one of the things that really got my attention was the pattern for the assailant is still very similar because they talk about this man who has done this before, who is looking for younger men who may not necessarily be out, and so he knows that if he can attack these people, the possibility of the crime actually being reported is lower. Of course they have the toxic masculinity to deal with, but they're also making that want to even be reporting well, I was in this bar, because we know that’s a gay bar. The similarities between when rapists are on the hunt or kind of picking out someone they might be interested in using as a victim, looking for someone that maybe is younger, a little more insecure, a little more naive. I thought it was interesting the way those elements stay static. 

Caitlin: It felt like that was at least somewhat natural to do. Although I think that it's also possible that men who sexually assault other men, maybe there are some different characteristics for them. I think that they're also just not really talked about and researched as much, you know. But I did think that in some cases that I have read about or I've you know read books where a man wrote an account after the fact, it did seem like those kinds of things were just like you said static, similar people who do this are doing it for a reason that doesn't really have anything to do with who you are as the victim. They're just picking you out. Thinking this is gonna work for me to get away with this.

Mindy: Easy prey.

Caitlin: Yeah.

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Mindy: One of the things that I liked so much about the book was showing those ripples throughout a group setting, a family dynamic where everybody is affected by this because I don't think that we as a society, no matter what the gender of the victim is, I don't think that we really give enough weight to how this radiates outwardly from that person, how this one event impacts so many people. And one of the things in particular that was almost in another way, kind of another gender flip that I thought was really interesting - the older brother who is married to Julia is having a hard time thinking about Julia now because she used to be a defense lawyer, and she in her past has defended rapists as a defense lawyer for the state.

And it begins to kind of chip away for him at this trust that had been in this marriage and now he has to think of his wife as someone in the past has been on the side, because the definition of her job, of the assailant. And they have multiple conversations where he's kind of picking at that and and and asking himself, you know, who is this person that is my wife, that if the straw were drawn differently, she would be defending the man who raped my little brother? And that's one of the relationships that is negatively affected by this event. So if you could talk a little bit about how that just radiates out and affects so many aspects of course, of the survivors life, but then those around them.

Caitlin: I love the example that you picked out because I really liked writing that I think because I was a defense attorney. And so I think that maybe even Tony's point of view is somewhat maybe a more critical side of myself looking at myself. But at the same time, I agree with Julia that defense attorneys are completely constitutionally necessary. And so that was a really interesting thing to write. And it definitely, like you said, as Tony becomes more and more angry and dysfunctional about what has happened and what is continuing to happen as the process goes on, he feels like he can't talk to Julia because she's not going to get it because of her history. At the same time, Julia is feeling like Tony's being totally unreasonable and she can't share everything with him because he's in such an unreasonable place. 

And so their communication completely breaks down over the course of the book and I think that you definitely see little snippets of how it impacts their kids, but I didn't focus on that too heavily. Also how it impacts the relationship between Nick and the friend he was with at the bar when he went home with the man. He feels like it had nothing to do with her, but she seems to feel guilty about it and that just makes him feel tired, and like it's worse that she's acting like she has anything to do with it. And it really just kind of their relationship falls apart and maybe he does have some anger at her once he starts to really process it. 

And then at the same time Nick and Tony have a father in common and they each have mothers and Julia has a mom. And so the extended family all become impacted. I think for me as a former attorney, most of what I did really was an adult criminal law, it was juvenile defense. And so that's just defending kids, mostly teenagers who were charged with crimes. And I also did a lot of child protection work. So that's cases where the state steps in to protect a child in a home. With those kinds of cases, everything that I worked on was impacting a family unit. That's kind of just how I've grown to see a single criminal act impacts so many different people and how that family unit responds to the, either the criminal act or maybe an allegation of child neglect or allegation of child abuse, whatever it is, it's how that family functions or doesn't function that can determine so much of how that case ends. 

Because even in juvenile cases, although sometimes we're looking at punishing a juvenile for specifically what they did or did not do during that moment of the alleged criminal act, a lot of it depends on their conduct after the fact. So even if they did something quite damaging, if they go through a whole year of therapy, they might end up not having a criminal record that's going to follow them into adulthood. Whereas if they do something really small, but then they're violating their terms of conditions of release for the next whole year, they might end up with something that's going to follow them because they just weren't doing what the court wanted them to do. And so I'm just really used to seeing things as how is the family handling the situation? How are they supporting each other or how are they falling apart? How are they negatively impacting each other? And what is that doing to what the process is going to look like as we go forward?

Mindy: And it has such a huge impact. I worked in a high school for 14 years. So I know that when you have situations like that, I don't think we give enough credit to Children often about what they do and do not understand what they can process or what they're capable of, but I also think at times it goes the other way where we we forget that you know, a 16, 17 18 year old is still a kid and are like completely overwhelmed by so many things. 

Caitlin: Totally, totally. And I think for me at least coming from that background, even though Nick is a 20 year old man, I think of him still as being a kid in certain ways. Like when I think about young men, I always think about not having your frontal lobes and what a difference that makes the part of your brain that helps you say pause - is this really a good idea? I'm having a really impulsive desire to do something. In Nick's case to me what's being impacted by his not being fully developed as an adult is later in the book, he really struggles with self harm and just kind of like impulsive desires to cause harm to himself because of what's happened and he's really not able to pause and stop himself. And I think that that's really realistic and I saw that in young men sadly as in my job.

Mindy: It’s really interesting that you included that aspect, especially of youth because you're right, we aren't fully developed mentally for a while, even though we are legally adults, I don't know that the brain can really align with that moment of turning 18 and suddenly know you're an adult now!

Caitlin: Totally. I agree with you. Yeah. I think it's like 26 or maybe it's 24, I can't remember .but it's well into your twenties for most male brains at least to finalize all of the structures of their brain. 

Mindy: Yes, it is. And I know that I personally, I tell people often, I don't feel Like I really knew who I was or what I wanted until I was probably 30. I think it's an interesting kink that you threw there where the victim’s also quite young and maybe in some ways not even fully capable of processing what has actually happened to them. Initially Nick just keeps insisting. No, I'm fine. Like even the morning after when people are in the hospital with him and his face is smashed and he's like, I'm fine. 

Caitlin: I think that's really common. I think that happens also for adults, sometimes it's partly, you know, the trauma of very, very slowly being able to understand almost or at least acknowledge what has just happened. But definitely I think a huge part of it too is that throughout the whole book and from that very first interaction, Tony is making his younger brother feel like a kid the whole time they're interacting and it's the last thing that actually wants. 

Mindy: You got a blurb from Stephen King. Congratulations!

Caitlin: Oh my gosh, thank you. 

Mindy: That's a nice little feather in your cap. How did you go about making that happen?

Caitlin: I feel like I can't even take credit for it. My editor, I don't know if she sent him a letter or just an email or how it happened, but I think it was my editor Pam Dorman who reached out to him and what I kind of have heard through the grapevine after the fact from someone else is that he's really good to debut authors. He knows what it was like to be a total newbie in this really scary book world and he knows how much a review from him means. And so I think that it was probably just an act of kindness and maybe maybe the Maine connection too, because I was born here. I still live here. That might have been it too. 

But all I know is that it was just like the most exciting thing. So I actually just had a baby five weeks ago and I think I was like maybe I had her a matter of days after he gave the blurb. And my husband and I were just like, the whole day that it had happened, we were like you're going to just go into labor today out of excitement, that’s what's going to happen! But it happened a few days later, but still, I was just like, I was like over the moon, I couldn't, I genuinely love him so much and I have been reading his stuff and listening to his lectures and I love his books. I used to think he was too scary for me but in the last few years I started reading him and I was like, oh no, actually I love this.

Mindy: I’m not even pregnant and I think if Stephen King blurbed me I'd go into labor. 

Caitlin: Right? You would just like have a baby? 

Mindy: Yeah, I would just have a baby. Well, congratulations. That's truly amazing. I agree. I've never had the opportunity to meet Stephen King but I have heard that he is extremely kind, very generous to new authors, aware of his own position and status and how he can kind of confer that onto others. So that's super cool. Last thing, why don't you let my listeners know where they can find you online and where they can find the book The Damage.

Caitlin: I think that both my Instagram and Twitter handles are just my name, Caitlin Wahrer, which is C A I T L I N   W A H R E R  My facebook, I have a Facebook page that I neglect but it does exist and I try to post every now and then. And that is also just my name. I think you can buy The Damage. just about anywhere. A lot of our local bookstores in Maine have it. So definitely if you love supporting your local bookstores, you can check Indie Bound. It's also available on Amazon and Barnes and Noble and Books a Million and probably other places that I'm forgetting.

Mindy: Writer Writer Pants on Fire is produced by Mindy McGinnis. Music by Jack Korbel. Don't forget to check out the blog for additional interviews, writing advice and publication tips at Writer Writer Pants on Fire dot com. If the blog or podcast have been helpful to you or if you just enjoy listening, please consider donating. Visit Writer Writer Pants on Fire dot com and click “support the blog and podcast” in the sidebar.

Saumya Dave On Writing Mental Health, Family Relationships & Debuting In A Pandemic

Mindy: Welcome to Writer Writer Pants on Fire, where authors talk about things that never happened to people who don't exist. We also cover craft, the agent hunt, query trenches, publishing, industry, marketing and more. I'm your host, Mindy McGinnis. You can check out my books and social media at mindymcginnis dot com and make sure to visit the Writer Writer Pants on Fire blog for additional interviews, query critiques and more as well as full transcriptions of each podcast episode. at WriterWriterPants on Fire.com. And don’t forget to check out the Writer, Writer, Pants on Fire Facebook page. Give me feedback, suggest topics you’d like to hear discussed, and let me know if there is someone you’d love to see a a guest.

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It's 1999 New York City. Where am I? Shut up! Brigette Lundy-Paine stars in a new supernatural neo noir audio drama. The voices. They're back. City of Ghosts. I understand this is beyond your usual school. So two deaths and an attempt at third. We're onto something big. Men like them have fortresses built around them. What good is sticking your neck out do? Especially in this city. Still, just be careful. Subscribe now on Apple podcasts or wherever you listen. Do be well, Eleanor.

Mindy: We're here with Saumya Dave, author of What A Happy Family, which is available from Berkeley and it features mental health in a very large way. Talking especially about families from a humorous edge and pressures of internal family mechanisms. I know that my family in particular has a lot of their own little jabs and jibes and things that we all kind of assume about each other as the family member that has a certain role. So for example, I'm the youngest, so my role is to always be wrong. 

I would just like to talk a little bit about first mental health because you are also a practicing psychiatrist, so it's a fascinating coalescence of two different journeys, your career, but then also your writing, coming together and bolstering each other. So if you could tell us first of all what the book, What A Happy Family is about and then if you can tell me a little bit just about the mental health in fiction narrative and what it's like to be exploring that also from your profession. 

Saumya: Sure, well, I love the way you described What A Happy Family with that idea about mechanisms in a family, I think that's such a perfect way to think about it, but in short it's about a family that settled in Atlanta. There are five members of the immediate family and then one member Zach, who is married to the eldest daughter in the family. And the book really goes through how each member of this family navigates mental health in their own ways and the ways that all of these family members hurt each other and then hopefully how they help learn to heal each other. 

So I'm a psychiatrist like you said, and I have been reading fiction for my entire life, so when I was a little girl, I wanted to be a doctor and a writer. And it wasn't until I was in high school in college when people said to me, you're going to have to pick one, you can't do both, not a thing, people don't do that. And I saw that reflected in the community and then the greater world at large around me. So I thought, okay, I do have to pick and I picked the pre-med part of it and thought, okay, I will write later, I will write in my free time. And I learned very quickly that it doesn't always work that way. I know there are a lot of disciplined people out there who can put in their time to all the things that matter to them. But I learned about myself that if I didn't block off hours and if I didn't commit to writing the way I committed to this other career that I was going after, it would get lost eventually. And that was something that really scared me. 

So I, from a young age, turned to fiction to teach me about life. As the daughter of immigrants, as someone who felt like an outsider many, many times growing up. And as I started writing more and more and my debut came out during the pandemic of course, which is great. I've had two books in a pandemic When my debut out in July of 2020, I learned by going to a lot of virtual book clubs that a lot of people turned to fiction to teach them about life, to comfort them, to entertain them. And during my residency training, when I was learning about the ins and outs of psychiatry I realized I wasn't finding very much fiction that explored mental health.There are books out there that do that and they do it really, really well. I just couldn't find one about a family and about the things they do and don't tell each other. 

The roles that they put on each other in the way they may be regressed back into those roles when they're together and how those roles impact their own selves when they're not even with their family members. So in their workplaces and their romantic relationships and their friendships. So, after my debut came out, I thought, what if this is what the second book is about? What if I put together some of the insights I've learned through my psychiatry training and through seeing patients and and put it through fiction and see how that comes out as a story, the kind of story that I always hope to read. 

Mindy: Everything that you're saying about learning through fiction...I think that fiction and reading in general are the quickest path to empathy and I don't know about you, but a lot of people that I know that are also creatives have struggled during this pandemic, to both read and write, definitely want to talk to you about having two books released during a pandemic - what a lovely experience for you. But first I would like to talk about something you mentioned - wanting to be both a psychiatrist and a writer. Those are two huge goals. And first of all, it's amazing to me that as a child you were like, I want both of these things that I'm going to get them. That's awesome. I love it. 

I myself always just knew that I wanted to be a writer. However, what I want to point out about your path that I think is super smart and a wonderful thing to share with my readers is that you did two things that I love here. You made the decision to - in essence - be practical and go the pre med route. If anyone were to ask me, hey, what do I do? Do I become a doctor or a writer? I'm like, you become a doctor and then you write on the side because I can say as someone that worked in the public schools. I was the librarian, but I worked in the public schools for 14 years and I think I had published my fifth or my sixth book before I was able to actually live off of that income. So it is a lovely dream. It is a difficult thing to attain and an even more difficult thing to actually make a living from. 

I love that you instinctively seemed to know that. But then also just had that little, niggling - no, I want to write. And that's so beautiful because it should never be ignored. I always tell people, if you get a flash of inspiration, you grab it, you take it, you go. If you have a dialogue or scene or a title or whatever it is, lightning doesn't strike twice. Once you have it, you grab it, you write it down. If you have that urge to write, in the moment, you need to sit down and do it. 

Saumya: Oh, I love that so much because I think there's so much to be said about keeping our passions alive and present no matter what they are. And all the writers I've met over the years, they feel as though it's this core part of who they are. So when they don't do it for very long periods of time, they want to return to it. And of course that time they vary, because life happens and so many things might be going on. But I've always found that you know, whether it's a week, a month, a year, whatever it is, people who love words want to return to words. 

Mindy: So I love what you said because there's so much power in keeping those things with us and close to us and nurturing them and it's so much a part of who we are like you said, I think you're ignoring a very strong sense of self purpose and drive if you just try to put it in a box and set it aside for now. You lose it. Which is something that you did mention earlier and you run that risk of losing it. But I also think you run the risk of losing part of yourself. 

Saumya: That's so, so true. One thing that was going through my head a lot when I was in college and I was completely focused on the premed path was, is my future self going to be resentful? And that question kept coming up again and again and I realized then, you know, I was in my early twenties at that time that I don't want to be resentful when I'm older, I don't want to be resentful. So what can I do to prevent future resentment? And that question has helped me in a lot of daily and longer term decisions. 

Mindy: That is really cool. I like that a lot that you are asking questions of your future self and saying, you know, what do you want? How do you want to feel? Uh I really like that I actually had a conversation with my boyfriend about future selves and how we thought of ourselves when we were younger, Not necessarily what our goals were, but what we pictured ourselves as when we were children and whether or not our core ourselves have changed. So interesting that you bring this up about yourself and knowing this about yourself at a young age.

I had a similar experience. We're a very midwestern family. I'm from Ohio, I grew up on a farm, that's what we do. We are farmers, we are farmers and teachers, that is what we produce. That is who we are. I come along and I don't want those things, I want to be a writer and I knew that from a very young age, but I didn't necessarily have that phrase. I didn't know that that was what I was doing. What I was doing even when I was a very small child was inserting myself into the narrative. 

So, I would be reading a book and I'd be like, well, if I were in this story, this is what I would do, and I would write a scene with myself and it as a child. So I would be, you know, rewriting Bridge to Terabithia, you know, with me in it and kind of fan fiction in a way, is what we would call it now. But I always took tv shows that I loved or stories, books, cartoons, whatever it was. I would insert myself in it, like, as a new character, create storylines for myself and for these other characters. I didn't know that I was writing, this was just what I did. This was myself. 

I think I must have had the assumption that this was a child enterprise, this was what I did as a very small child and that I would essentially grow out of it the way you grow out of your toys. I get to be 6th, 7th, 8th grader and I'm still doing it. This is what I do in my spare time, is writing stories and now they are usually entirely my own creations. I'm no longer inserting myself into tv shows I'm writing and doing these things in my head, this is how I go to sleep as I'm laying down and creating these narratives, and because I don't know anyone else that does this, and because it is very much a different, a new thing in my family, I was worried that there was something wrong with me, I was worried that there was some sort of mental health issue because I wasn't living in the present and I wasn't living in reality, and I was actually very concerned for my mental health, not knowing that what I was doing was creative, and essentially I was writing all the time. 

Saumya: How did that go from then on? How did you know, okay, I'm a writer and this is what I need to do?

Mindy: I think that eventually I bridged that gap, but as a 13, 14 year old, sitting down with my parents and having this big heartfelt, “Guys, I think I'm insane.” You know, and they were like, oh no, you're not, honey, it's okay, you're just creative and you're imaginative, and this is a good thing. My parents are wonderful people and they've always supported and pushed literacy and reading. And they were like, no, this is good. You're just a very creative person and that's okay. You know, the people around you aren't so you're not seeing it. So you think this is weird. I just needed someone to say this is okay, you're not weird.

Saumya: There's so much power in getting that. And I imagine especially in your teens, to hear that from your family must have felt so comforting to you to know that There was not only support, but there was an explanation for what made you, you. 

Mindy: Yes. One that meant that I was not going down an unsafe route. I think that was my concern was that I wasn't spending enough time doing, quote unquote real things. So yeah, I was worried that I wasn't grounded enough in reality and kind of, operating off of a very 1890s mental health standard for women. 

Saumya: Yeah. That somehow still finds its way into things today too. So I hear that.

Mindy: Yeah, somehow, even as a child, as a teenager, I knew this, I knew that someone somewhere would point at me and tell me I was wrong. Speaking about that support then that I had from my family and bringing it back to your work and especially the novel, What A Happy Family when we're talking about family roles. Those are so powerful. Just in my example, I needed my parents to say this is okay, this is acceptable. And of course I was young enough that that was a huge boon to me to have that grant of permission to continue in this vein. So then, speaking about your novel and some of the different family interactions inside of it, what are those, I don't want to call it power struggles - although it can become that - those different dynamics, how do they play out within the novel? 

Saumya: The novel really explored exactly what you said, you know, how our families receive us or how they maybe don't. And the latter is really what comes out through all of the characters, or at least that was my goal in writing it. And what I wanted to show was how each child, there are three Children in the Joshi family there are, Suhani, Natasha and Anuj and Suhani is married to Zach, so he's also a pretty big part of the story and each of those children. They have the same parents Deepak and Vina, but they turned out so differently, even though they have the same parents. I wanted to explore how that can be possible and how a parent can be different with each child.

So even though the child is of course different, they have their own personality and their own experiences and preferences and all of these different things, they also get different parents with each round. So, Vina you know, comes from such a different background than her husband and she comes from parents who really cared about image and her making something of herself and having something to be proud of for a cause that was purely her own and they felt very disappointed in her for marrying someone and not being an actress the way she had been primed to for her entire life. 

So she takes a lot of that unresolved ambition and it goes into her oldest child, goes into Suhani and she tells Suhani, this is what you have to do in life, this is how you're happy, and this is how I'm looking out for you and what she doesn't realize is that that makes Suhani really count on external measures of success to to be equated to happiness. 

She sees a lot of herself as a woman in Natasha as the second child in the family. And so she acts out of fear a lot in the hopes that Natasha doesn't go through the struggles that she does. But a lot of times that fear comes out as criticism, it comes out as complaints, it comes out as them arguing with each other and really butting heads. And so, you know, I really wanted to show how this woman coming from a loving place, and really just loving being a mom and being a member of this family can have such different impacts on her three children. And then of course how that affects her marriage and how her husband may not always have the same perspective when it comes to their kids as she does.

Mindy: So powerful. I know that all of my boyfriend's throughout high school and onward, when you're really interacting with the entire family would always say, oh my gosh, you get mad at your mom so fast! Why? Your mother is so sweet and so loving and so caring and you just get mad at her so quickly! And she is, she is all those things and it's always coming from a positive place. But it's also like my entire life has been correction, not in a bad way, but always towards her and who she is, which is more quiet, more kind, more for lack of a better word feminine than I just naturally am and it continues on. I'm 42, and as soon as there is any hint of course correction, I'm like, no, don't talk to me. 

Saumya: It's so interesting how that is such a universal thing. I'm the same way with my own mom, with my own dad and you're so right, it doesn't matter how old we are, those dynamics just stay, they stay forever. 

Mindy: They really do. We go back into our younger selves with our parents and it's not always negative, always, it's just a cycle. And uh, that's, these are the roles that we play and I love what you're saying about there being different roles for the parent with each child. I have an older sister and I see how my parents are different with her than they are with me. They're always handling me a little more carefully. I'll just put it that way. Always with the, please don't make Mindy mad. It is not worth it. But then also, it's also hilarious when she's mad. So maybe we should poke her a little. So there's always, there's that back and forth that oscillation. 

Saumya: That's so true. I was also so interested in how Family members who are part of the same memories, the same events, the same trips. They can look back on those and have very different perspectives. So that idea actually came from, I was at home for all of 2020. My husband and baby and I lived with my parents and grandparents for the entire first part of the pandemic. And my siblings and I were talking about this vacation, we went on 15, 20 years ago and I thought the vacation was wonderful. I thought we had a great time and I only have happy memories when I look back on the vacation till this day. So I was telling them that they said, you know, we didn't have a good time at all. You were really bossy, telling us what to do and it was miserable. And I didn't know that until I'm here in my mid thirties that they have a completely different view of that same trip that I continue to have very good feelings about. So, I also got very interested in that idea, that we as family members can be part of the exact same events and have such different takeaways from those events that stay with us. 

Mindy: It's so funny that you say that we had this saying when I was a kid, “Mindy is being a butt,” that was what was often said. I hated family trips, I hated going out into public and now, like as an adult, I know why I don't like being in large crowds. It's not necessarily a fear. It really comes down to identity. I have a very strong feeling of who I am, and when I'm in a very large crowd, I'm surrounded by all those identities and it just strikes a sour chord within me. I don't know why I feel a little bit last. I feel a little bit overwhelmed as a child. That was very intense as an adult, I know how to handle it. Of course, I have a better sense of my own identity. So it's a little different, but as a child, I was literally overwhelmed by personalities, having too many people in one place was too much for me. So when we would go to the zoo or we would go to an amusement park and it's supposed to be a big fun time and I am psychologically miserable and just very unhappy and usually it's hot. So, you know, I'm physically uncomfortable surrounded by people and strangers. I'm also scared of heights so I couldn't ride rides. And then everybody was giving me a hard time for being difficult. 

Saumya: That must have all been so overwhelming.

Mindy: So much, too much of everybody wants to take pictures. And even as a child I had this like, real grip on irony and everybody's like, everybody together and have a happy family picture and I'm like, fuck this. So I would literally turn my back to the camera. They would be like, we're taking a picture of all the Children and the cousins together and I'd be like, no, and I would just turn and show the camera my back and everybody would, you know, uh say, “Mindy's being a butt.” Her butt is what's in the picture. So to this day as an adult when we're in public, they'll be like, “Mindy don't be a butt.” 

I'm like, listen, I’m in a better place mentally now and I know my roles, but it was also I I learned that I would get in trouble then if not, I mean quote unquote trouble, everyone was always fairly kind and understanding, but I would be grumpy and angry and fearful in many ways. So I would be lashing out and then I would get in trouble for being rude or having a temper. So I learned to just shut down emotionally mentally, physically, whatever make myself as small as possible. And just this was how I was quote unquote, being good. Then I get in trouble because I'm not happy.

Saumya: You can't win. 

Mindy: No, I couldn't win. Being an adult and moving through space, and like how to handle myself a little bit better, but also being around other people that function in that same way and seeing their discomfort and how it affects other people and you know, can be the wet blanket. I'm like, okay, I understand how I was being interpreted but also God I was so unhappy and so miserable. And so you know, you're right, those roles, they remain the same. That is essentially still my role in the family. I'm the loose cannon. I'm the one that needs to be controlled or tamped down and mitigated in some way all the time. And as you were saying, it doesn't matter how old you are, this is still who I am within that family system. 

Saumya: Well, I think that what you said about the way you know, when you were at the zoo and how you felt and then how you then learned to present yourself, even if that may have been different from what you were feeling inside. It's such a powerful statement because I think as kids, we can learn even if we don't consciously process it, we learn what parts of us are acceptable socially and what parts are not and so we learn how to adapt in different ways and when you said the part about shutting down, I thought, yes, that must be so common. I can't imagine how many kids there are who feel that shutting down is the safer option and it's the more acceptable option. 

Mindy: Absolutely. And I see it. I still work in schools as a substitute. I ended up going in and working as a substitute in a long term position last year because of Covid and I was with fifth graders and that was the youngest range of Children I'd ever handled. And I knew from my own experiences, especially with youth, you know, once more than one person is correcting them. It's a tidal wave of social unacceptability. The kids they want, especially the helpers. You know, they want everyone in the class to be good and respectful to the teacher. And so if I correct someone, there's immediately four or five little ones going, Yeah, David, you know, it's like, no, no, no, you guys, I'm the adult in the room. You don't get to jump on David, the person being attacked shuts down or lashes out usually shuts down. And I know that feeling and it's so devastating because you are, you're just like, okay, I'm not acceptable. I won't interact and that's so painful. 

Saumya: It is, it's so painful. And you know, I just did a virtual book club last week and one of the members asked, do you think that the family is happy by the end? She was speaking to the title and I told her that I don't know if happiness is always the goal, whether we're talking about the beginning, middle or end of the story. What I hope for any family, any community, whatever group we're thinking about that's connected is that there's more honesty and there's more of a belief that each person can show up as themselves and they feel like they can authentically do that. So just being a holistic person and being comfortable with oneself is maybe more of the gold and happiness, because happiness might not always be there, no matter what the dynamic is that we're talking about. 

Mindy: Absolutely. And I think happiness to people, I love what you said, happiness may not always be the goal. Happiness essentially should be fleeting. I don't think it is, much like anger, it's not a sustainable emotion. 

Saumya: That's such a good point. And I think we don't say that enough. 

Mindy: No, we don't. I always tell people contentment is underrated. 

Saumya: I love that and I love that distinction also between contentment.

Mindy: Happy couple, happy family, happy marriage because of the phrases we use. I don't know those things exist. 

Saumya: Yes, it's so true. And I don't know if, like you said, that should be the ultimate goal, maybe we should change all of those to contentment. Contentment. Friendship with contentment, parent with contentment, all of those roles. 

Mindy: If you were happy all the time, then I think you're probably ignoring something. 

Saumya: That's so true. I was hoping when Natasha goes through a lot of her own journey with her own mental health in the book, she's very hard on herself, but her family and members of the south asian community that she's growing up around there also hard on her too, so it's not all in her head when she thinks that what she brings to the table is not completely acceptable and what she wants to do with her life. She wants to be a stand up comedian, it isn't always well received and it isn't always celebrated, but my hope is that she also sees her strengths. And I remember once when I was learning about anxiety during my training, my professor actually said, well, people who have anxiety, they also are very, very good at planning. They're thinking ahead, it's a future oriented state because you're always anticipating and there's some strength to that, there are a lot of good things that come from that. So the idea is to make sure that it's in an amount that's not hurting someone and it's not maladaptive to what they want to do, but we also should celebrate our full spectrum of whatever it is, we're bringing to the table. 

Mindy: Yes, absolutely, learning yourself, being aware of yourself, those are powerful tools.

Saumya: They’re such powerful tools and I wish that those were encouraged from a young age because I think we learned so many other things in school, which is great. But I hope that whether it's in classrooms, or wherever it is that we just have that encouragement and support to learn about ourselves and to accept ourselves and each other because I think the world would be in such a different place if that was encouraged from the start. 

Mindy: Yeah, I agree completely.

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Mindy: I want to talk really quickly about your publishing journey and publishing in a pandemic. So I think my eighth or ninth book released the week before we went into lockdown and I know how that affected my sales and my marketing and my promotion. And I already had, you know, 7,8 books out. So I had a built in audience. I had a social media presence, I had a platform that I could operate off of as a debut author coming out during the pandemic. I thought about every debut author, I was just like, oh my gosh, these poor writers that had this goal and they attained it and they attained it at a horrible moment for marketing, for promo for everyone. So, if you could talk about that experience and how that went. 

Saumya: Sure. So it was of course jarring. I think the pandemic was trying for people on so many levels, of course. I spent 10 years working on my debut, so I edited it, I rewrote it. I got rejected over 200 times before I found my agent and my publisher. And the book changed from the first draft, of course, all the way to what ended up being the one that got me the book deal. 

But I think that felt especially like a blow because I thought, oh, here's a decade worth of work. I'm going to be able to celebrate it in person with some friends, I'm going to be able to meet readers and none of those things happened. So there was definitely that let down for quite a bit, but I found within a couple of months of it coming out, there were some unexpected silver linings. So I got to meet so many readers through virtual book clubs. I've done about 100 virtual book clubs in the past year and a half. And it's just been so wonderful because some of them have been international, many of them have been out of the New York area where I live. So I felt that I was able to meet and connect with readers whom I otherwise would not have met if we weren't in the pandemic. So that was really great. 

The second part is that I did feel like a lot of people came together, similar to what you were just saying, that people thought, well what's going to happen to these debut authors and even that sentiment and that empathy for us as a group went such a long way. So I had a lot of other established authors reaching out all the time asking, oh, can I do anything to help you? How can I support you? This just must be so tough. And I felt that support the whole way, I think a lot of those people would have been very supportive otherwise, of course, even if I was publishing in the circumstances that I thought I would, but I just really felt such a movement of that for debuts. And I know that a lot of my fellow debuts felt the same way that a lot of people came together to try to amplify our voices and to promote our work and that meant a lot to us. 

Mindy: Yeah, it's a harsh business at any time to come out during the pandemic. You didn't necessarily have to pivot. A lot of us had to relearn how to promote and you just kind of had to say, okay, we're going to create something new and the fact that you did 100 virtual book clubs, That's amazing. And in fact probably even more effective than a traditional approach. 

Saumya: Yes, you know, it's so funny you say that because one thought that kept coming up again and again when I was debuting in the pandemic was - I wonder if this would have been harder if I was an established author because of exactly what you said. The pivoting. This is all I know, I don't know anything outside writing and publishing in a pandemic. I don't know what the other side looks like at all. So I didn't have to relearn and I didn't have to go through those hoops at all. I just walked straight into this. So I think there are hardships no matter what end that you come from. 

Mindy: I agree. I think too that a lot of people had different experiences of the pandemic. I work from home, my life didn't change knowing that the world around me had gone a completely different direction for everyone else and my life was essentially unchanged, which caused some introspection. I can say that, but also reading changed a lot of people that I know that are very avid readers. Suddenly we're having a hard time reading. People I know that I have never read a book in their lives started. The dynamics of the readership, I think changed in some ways because we have people kind of wandering into this world and being like, I never considered reading and now I'm tired of looking at the screen, I'm tired of binging shows, I had this opportunity and I thought I was going to sit down and watch tv for three months and I'm sick of it and I learned something new. I had the opposite where it was like I'm going to roll through this TBR. I couldn't read, I couldn't read anymore. And so many people I know had the similar situation, my relationship with reading changed as soon as I became a career writer as well. So there's been stages of my relationship with reading changing, but one of the things that changed for me was that I had become a very avid audio book reader because I traveled so much that got cut off and suddenly I'm like holding a book - which used to be my preferred method. I'm hearing a voice in my head and trying to match it with a narrator and I'm just like, oh God, like it was making me crazy, this was not what this was supposed to be. 

Things changed obviously for everyone. Creative world changed. Marketing changed. And I do in some ways as you're saying, I envy you and other debut authors that just walked into this and you have those skill sets and I think a lot of the things that you guys experienced are now going to be a new normal, not necessarily because that's how the world is going to be, but Marketing and promotion changed and we found out that you don't have to fly to Florida for a 20 minute book talk. 

Saumya: So true, that's so true. You guys are going to have some skill sets that some of the alumni are going to have to kind of adapt to. 

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Mindy: I know myself, I love traveling. I love meeting people. I don't feel like I get the same connection over virtual, but I think it's changed. I think people are learning how to interact with their screens a little more personally like this and it takes out so many risk factors as well as far as exposure, especially with the things heating up again. 

Saumya: Right, right. I also found that some of the magic still stayed for me as someone who just will always love books. So last year when my debut came out, we were in Atlanta with my family and so my virtual launch was with the bookstore here in Brooklyn, Books Are Magic. So I never saw my book in that bookstore and I've been going there pre pandemic for so many events and when we moved back here when my second book came out and What A Happy Family released, we went straight to that bookstore and I signed copies in person and left them there and I thought wow, this is a magical moment. And yes, it's happening a year later. But that magic is still there and I'm grateful for that because I think sometimes when anything becomes a job, no matter what it is, it can be so natural for it to just become work and for it to not feel like there's a sense of wonder around it. And I think with a lot of the things that we've all lost. I've heard people say, oh I will never take this for granted again. I will never take for granted getting a cup of coffee with a friend or seeing someone from afar in a park or being able to just step outside and walk by people and have conversations that are just daily run of the mill ones. I will never take those things for granted again. So I think there are also these newfound perspectives that have come about and will continue to. 

Mindy: I agree. I wouldn't want to say that I had devalued human interaction, but I wasn't seeing the benefits of it. 

Saumya: Yeah, no, that's so fair. I resonate with that. 

Mindy: Yeah, I wasn't acknowledging even just having a conversation. I go to obviously a very small little grocery store market and talking with the ladies that own the store and just having a little chat, you know, you don't get to do that now. And hanging out with people at my gym after the workout and just be like, man, that was really hard. Like do your glutes hurt? You know, and just having these little interactions. 

Just recognizing the value of those friendships and even business friendships and those, those compartmentalized friendships like at the gym or the market or whatever it is, shopping for groceries, walking through and stopping and getting some water and a mother and her very little boy, like maybe four or five were standing there and he was masked and I was masked and the mom looked over and she was like, oh, I really like your shorts. Because I was wearing my running shorts and she was a runner too. We ended up in a conversation about the benefits of different running shorts. And, and then this little boy was like - my tomatoes are doing really well this year! And he started talking to me about his garden and it was so cute and so sweet and you made me smile for like the rest of the time that I was shopping and it was just, you know, it was like a month ago and I'm still thinking about this little kid that just wanted to tell me about his tomatoes, and it was so endearing. I love that. I love that this child is comfortable doing this. And those little tiny moments that I don't get to have when someone is delivering my groceries to my door. 

Saumya: That's so true. Those daily interactions like you said are fleeting and there's a transient nature to them. I think when we all lost those, we realized how much value they have. Being able to say that quick hello or connect with someone in the grocery store. Those things just make us feel more connected. And it's nice to see some version of that coming back in certain contexts. And I also hope that, you know, that of course keeps going and that we get back to a new normal that's safe and where people still keep those connections alive. I was doing some research on burnout actually just yesterday and found that connecting with others has been proven to help with burnout. There's so many interventions out there for it, but really connecting with others and whatever way that might look is a helpful thing. 

Mindy: Yeah. And I did not give enough credit to the energy that others give me when I'm at home and I'm writing it's all output. It's all output. And if I'm not going out and interacting, I draw energy from other people and those moments they give me an uplift, they give me a smile, They give me everything I need to come back home and be isolated again. Hopefully. 

Saumya: Yes. Yes, that's such a good point. Especially when the work you're doing is solitary work. 

Mindy: Yeah, very much so. Last thing if you could let listeners know where they can find the book, What a happy family and where they can find you online. 

Saumya: Sure. So What A Happy Family is available wherever books are sold. I love supporting independent bookstores. So if you have an independent bookstore in your area, they may already carry it or you can request it and they are wonderful and usually get it within a week. Of course online at all of the online retailers. So Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Target dot com, all of those. And in terms of where to find me, I'm at Saumya J. Dave on Instagram and on Twitter with the same username and then my website is www.saumyadave.com

Mindy: Writer Writer Pants on Fire is produced by Mindy McGinnis. Music by Jack Korbel. Don't forget to check out the blog for additional interviews, writing advice and publication tips at Writer Writer Pants on Fire dot com. If the blog or podcast have been helpful to you or if you just enjoy listening, please consider donating. Visit Writer Writer Pants on Fire dot com and click “support the blog and podcast” in the sidebar.