Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.
I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.
If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.
If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.
I saw on your Manuscript Wish List that you are seeking compelling, memorable stories that inspire a wealth of emotions, particularly from marginalized voices. I believe you may be interested in FORTUNES OF 42, a young adult fantasy novel imbued with the allure of fate, communitas, and ever-changing fortunes, complete at 92,000 words. This is a good, personalized intro. Usually I recommend jumping right in with your hook, but you've clearly done your homework and this is a strong start.
While sweating copiously under the blistering blaze of the sun and gazing up in childlike awe at the Demigod who commands the Terra, Ether, and Abyss,the first time I read this I thought Ether and Abyss were names of characters. You've got a lot of worldbuilding vocabulary jammed into this para, and that means the reader has to untangle it. With 200 other queries waiting in the inbox, they might not take the time. eighteen-year-old passive and withdrawn Prince Lucian of the Adarian Empire comes to a realization: He has doomed them all. You're also using two words where one will suffice, and a query needs to succint as possible. Choose between blistering / blaze and passive / withdrawn. Right now your first para is a bit of a muddle of a run-on. Don't be afraid to use periods to break this up a bit.
Lucian disregarded his father’s warning and ventured beyond the confines of his palace to attend a festival that was soon invaded by the enemy. Now, he and forty-one others are held captive in an ancient city with impenetrable mysteries, and guarded around-the-clock by elite Demigods who would ruthlessly enforce order with violence and constrain them to kneel to what? in penitence. Lucian must work with his motley crew of fellow captives to outmaneuver the Demigods and escape the city. If he fails, he will risk the wrath of the divine, lead his empire to calamity, and consign himself and his peers to their demise. But isn't that already happening, in a way? Hasn't he already risked their wrath, imperiled his empire, and pretty much led them to their deaths? Right now this doesn't show a plot - it shows a plot element. A guy made a bad decision and is now in a bad spot and wants to escape, but that's risky. That's not a plot, that's a thread. What's the bigger picture? What's at stake beyond a punishment that they are already enduring? What is the choice that has to be made? What do these two cultures have against each other in the first place?
FORTUNES OF 42 is a standalone with series potential, and is comparable to Sorcery of Thorns by Margaret Rogerson and The Unwilling by Kelly Braffet. It contains an aro-ace protagonist, LGBTQ+/POC characters, and hints of enemies-to-lovers romance.
I am a Vietnamese-American nonbinary first-generation summa cum laude film graduate of California State University, Long Beach. I am also a member of the Gutsy Great Novelist Writers Studio. My film critiques are published on CMRubinWorld, and my portfolio can be viewed at: juliankimcao.wixsite.com/home.
Great bio and good comp titles. Right now you need to get the bigger picture on the paper. What's at stake beyond these 42 people? How does Lucian change and grow through out the story? What must he risk, with so much ALREADY risked - and failed? You describe him as withdrawn and and passive, but never hint to that changing, which doesn't bode well if he's going to be leading a group out of imprisonment.