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Lacey Barker could start a war and save magic from the grip of the Elonni, celestial beings intent on claiming the realm for their God. Unfortunately I think your hook has too much worldbuilding in it to be truly a hook. I have to untangle it as a read. Instead I need to be wowed by something easy to digest, that makes me want to do that work. But knowing what’s right and who to trust isn’t so easy in a kingdom ruled by fear. This could work as a hook. Simple and digestible, yet interesting
As a human/Elonni mutt, Lacey has been raised in a distant village as a farmgirl. When her godfather arrives and whisks her away to the Elonni capital, her secret past begins to peel away. She is not a farmgirl, but the last living descendant of the royal family which once ruled the realm—monarchs with a bloody history and a deadly power hidden in their bloodline. Echo of the word "blood." Maybe start with this supposed farmgirl who is actually royalty, and don't tease about this power in her blood - what is it?
Nathy Ferrickek has lost enough in the fight against the Elonni. But he’s willing to do one last job: find Lacey Barker and deliver her to the Nine, a group of rebels who have been seeking the lost monarch for three hundred years. If he finds her, he will be paid in revenge—the chance to kill the Elonni who murdered the woman he loved. Is the Elonni he gets to kill in fact, Lacey? Is she the last of the Elonni or only the last of the royal bloodline? It's confusing.
The Nine’s attempts to locate Lacey have alerted the Elonni, okay so she's NOT the last Elonni who intend to bury the so-called royal before she can destroy their grip on the realm. Confused as to why she would want to destroy the Elonni grip? It was inferred that the deadly power in her blood was a bad thing... or a powerful thing that could be used for evil. But if she's the last of the Elonni royal bloodline, why would they want her dead? But when they try to capture Lacey, she manages to escape with Nathy’s help—only to end up in the hands of the Nine, who want to use her as a weapon against the Elonni in a war of their own design.
Stashed away in an old house brimming with secrets of its own, Lacey begins to piece together a past locked away by a potion and a future she isn’t sure she hopes to inherit. These rebels claim she is destined to save magic from the righteous grip of the Elderon—but her powers may be too dangerous to unleash. What's the Elderon? What's going on with the house and the potion?
THE QUEEN OF RUIN is adult fantasy at 136,000 words, with YA crossover potential. It is the first book in a series. Wow, okay. First in a series at 136k? That's not going to fly. Fantasy is hard to break into right now, and you won't get any traction with a manuscript over 100k as a debut. And definitely try to make this a standalone with series potential. The book world has been hard hit lately and this is a tough genre to break into.
Readers who enjoyed THE MORTAL INSTRUMENTS and A DARKER SHADE OF MAGIC will enjoy this modern take on epic fantasy, as well as the humor and heart of the multiple POV cast. Good comp titles, but I'm confused by the use of the word "modern." What makes this a modern fantasy? Nothing above made me see it as anything other than epic fantasy.
I hold a bachelor’s degree in creative writing from Geneva College, where I served as editor-in-chief of the literary magazine. My short story “What She Left Behind” appears in Betty Bites Back: Stories to Scare the Patriarchy. This is my first novel. Good bio! Don't worry about stating it's your first novel. But hooray for Betty Bites Back!!!
Right now your query is suffering from what a lot of fantasy queries struggle with. Too much world building jammed in here without letting the story show. You can see from my questions above that I don't understand why certain characters want what they want, or see others as a threat. This needs to be simplified in terms of worldbuilding, and clarified in terms of story.