Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.
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My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.
I’m writing to you seeking representation for All You Needed to Know, a 65,000 word YA dual-POV Thriller novel that could be a stand alone or develop into a series. Good deal, but just state it as a standlone with series potential, that's the typical phrasing.
When Dahlia Brown finally gets to leave the chaos of NYC for the quiet shores of Lake George, the last thing she expects is to find herself at a wake—or at the center of a murder mystery. She’s already gone through the ringer the past year: a rough breakup, five AP tests, and, worst of all, a requirement from her super-evil mother to get something so vile it should be removed from the English dictionary: a job. Good start, but who is dead? Why is she at the wake? Is Lake George home and she's returning to it? Is she stalled out after graduation? Why is she there and what's the reason? Also, sorry but as a 45 year old my immediate reaction to a 20 something who doesn't want to get a job has me feeling something that isn't called empathy.
Things go from bad to worse when Dahlia spots her ex, Casper, intimately comforting the granddaughter of the deceased, a despicably Do you mean despicable? Idk if someone can be "despicably blonde" but they can be a "despicable blonde" blonde girl named Vienna, at the wake. Furious and betrayed, Why would she be betrayed? That's her ex, right? Dahlia bolts, only to be stopped by Levi Guerra, a mysterious (and newly sexy?) boy from her past who claims he believes to know who murdered the man everyone’s gathered to mourn. Who is that? And why do they think he was murdered? Above it just says a wake. What is her connection to the dead person?
This information may have remained between the two of them--if Dahlia didn’t spew her guts out to Casper on their first day of work. Together. In the job they’re working together. Where at? Doing what? And why would she talk to him if she's furious and betrayed?
Despite their clashing personalities and mutual distrust, the four eventually team up to uncover the truth behind Leonardo Pesci’s death, leading them into a tangled web of family rivalries, buried secrets, and budding romances new and old. The four of them being who? The blonde, Dahlia, and the two boys?
And, after yet another shocking murder, the stakes instantly become clear: one pair is going to uncover the truth... and the other will be dead wrong. If this is a murder mystery we need to know way more about the murders. Who is dead? Why? Who might have done it? What's the mystery? Right now this query is about romance, not mystery. But also - what's at stake? Is anyone in danger, or is it just like - we solved the murder and you didn't, neener, neener, ha, ha?
"All You Needed to Know" blends the intrigue of a classic murder mystery with the emotional complexities of young love and friendship. Fans of One of Us is Lying and The Inheritance Games will appreciate the twists and turns that challenge the characters’ relationships and reveal the darker sides of their seemingly perfect summer. Love this para, but none if it is in the query. What are the darker sides of their summer? And also, none of this is coming across as seemingly perfect since there are breakups, murder, betrayal, etc.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this, and I look forward to hearing from you. My cell phone number is []. My X account is REDACTED, as well as my TikTok and Gmail. I am currently a full-time student. I woudln't refer to your social media accounts unless you have a lot of followers, like 20k plus. Saying your a student is great, b/c that shows you know the lifestyle, but do you read mysteries in your spare time? Do you have a major that is connected to writing / English? If not, that's fine, but get some more connection to your life and the concepts in the novel