Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.
I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.
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My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.
Benny Yonathan, a daredevil Mossad operative and his teammates must do the impossible before something terrible what is something terrible? happens to their country, the impossible which means destroying the Chavibdeh nuclear facility and the largest nuclear warhead on earth code -named, THE SECOND HOLOCAUST. Is the warhead called that, or this mission? Confused You wrote in your manuscript wish list that you're looking for plot-driven novels with strong voices. It might interest you to know that my project is a plot-driven novel with strong voices, and I strongly believe you're the right agent for my project. Stating that you've liked at your mswl is smart. You don't need to claim that you've got exactly that. It's implied that you think it's a fit.
As the Iranian government sets into motion the plot to remove the state of Israel from the map, the life of the Israeli nation,is now in the hands of Benny. "An Iran with a nuclear arsenal is the death of our country," the Mossad boss, Levi Moshe says grimly to Benny and his teammates before the they travel to Iran via Iraq as illegals for OPERATION SMILING CROCODILE. You definitely don't want to use dialogue in a query. This isn't a place to use snippets from the book.
Benny and his teammates embark on a search for Iranian citizens that can be suitable for operation smiling Crocodile. What does this mean? What do they need them for? What will they be doing? The search isn't an easy task, and it stretches for over four weeks. Their effort is rewarded when they find two Iranian brothers -Ali Khalid and Asad who hate their country with a passion but have not made it known to anyone. To say that the two brothers are excited about joining Benny's team would be a deadly understatement. They pledge their loyalty to the state of Israel and accept their roles willingly. Right now this is reading like a synopsis, not a query. You're walking us through the steps of the plot, rather than giving an overview for the plot, and a feel for the characters and tone / voice.
Sticking to the plan for Benny's cloak-and-dagger operation,What's the plan? Prime Minister Hinn's who is this? uncomplimentary speech about Iran goes viral and triggers a peaceful demonstration in Amadan, Iran. The peaceful demonstration that goes viral really repetitive language here is stage -managed and led by Ali Khalid and his younger brother, Asad. Following Benny's directive, Ali Khalid hurls curses and insults at Prime Minister Hinn and the state of Israel in a viral video. More repetition, and we're going even deeper into details in terms of this sounding more like a synopsis than a query Some hours later, an Israeli missile ballistic submarine in the Nigerian territorial waters launches a hypersonic ICBM to Amadan, Iran that destroys Ali Khalid's house. Ali Khalid and Asad later hurl curses and accusations at Prime Minister Hinn and the state of Israel for rendering them homeless in a viral video. The Iranian government officials hail Ali Khalid as their hero, little did they know that Benny is turning him gradually into an irresistible bait of ultimate destruction. Benny and his teammates wait patiently for a long time for operation smiling Crocodile to come to fruition. When the time is right, they pull off the cloak-and-dagger operation and face their last danger: the revolutionary guards. We went from intensely into the details to being incredibly vague and not giving us any clue what is going on.
A query needs to establish these things 1) What does the main character want? 2) What stands in their way of getting it? 3) What will they do to overcome the obstacles? 4) What's at stake if they fail? Some of these things are here, but certainly not all. And I have no feel whatsoever for who Benny is as a character. There's no voice or life here. Read examples of successful queries at Writer's Digest https://www.writersdigest.com/successful-queries and model yours after those. You're also pretty far over on word count by about 200 words or so. Get out of the details, answer the questions above, aim for more of an overview, and get some of who Benny is as a person into the query.