Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.
I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.
If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.
If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.
My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.
Sam has always been able to see auras shimmering like silver stardust under people’s skin, though she does her best to ignore the headache-inducing emotions they whisper into her mind and the blurry people who brush past her on sidewalks. Decent hook, but break the thoughts up a little. Right now you have one sentence, and we don't know if all people are blurry, or just certain ones. If she ignores everyone then she's a pretty introverted person. Give a little more space here to explain.
When two of Sam’s hallucinations Confused. he can see aura on real people, right? Real people are not hallucinations, which the next sentence does explain somewhat, but I think there needs to be clarification here. realise that she can see them, they reveal that they are Elementals: people from a parallel world who can manipulate one of the five natural elements (earth, air, fire, water and anima, or life force). Sam is one of the rare humans So are the Elementals human? able to wield anima, making her the first Animator since an atrocity left every Animator dead and the surviving Elementals unable to have children 200 years ago. But... these two are still around? So they're not human? With proper training, she’ll have the power to create and nurture life, revitalising the Elemental world. You'll need to be more clear about why an Animator is needed to create life. Obviouly their reproductive process is different from ours.
Lured by the promise of learning to control her debilitating headaches, Sam enters the Elemental world. But when she discovers that Animators still exist in hiding and that an imprisoned god hunted down Animators to exact revenge for his banishment, two things become crystal clear: the surviving Animators intend to use Sam to lure out the god’s spies, and they’re willing to let her die in the process. How did this god do anything if he's imprisoned? And why are the Animators in hiding? Don't they know that they are imperiling their own race by doing so? Why would Sam be bait? What about her is special, if she's not the only Animator left?
In a desperate bid to make it home alive, Sam forms an alliance with an ambitious man from a notoriously mercenary branch of Elementals. As her abilities become harder to hide, who is she hiding them from? Doesn't everyone know? Sam must master her element to save herself and the people she’s come to love from the god who would kill them all.
THE SACRIFICIAL ANIMATOR is a 113,000-word fantasy novel which will appeal to readers who enjoy Melissa Caruso’s character-driven SWORDS AND FIRE trilogy and fantasy worlds that intersect with ours (as in Alix E. Harrow’s THE TEN THOUSAND DOORS OF JANUARY). Good comp titles, but you define this as character-driven, when really I don't know anything about Sam's character other than that she gets headaches. If this is character driven, you need to get her character injected into the query.
I am a half-French, half-Japanese American currently living in Berlin, where I work as a finance lawyer. I studied law at the University of Cambridge and can be found hiking or planning my next novel when I’m not at work.
Overall, I'm just confused about what role the Animators play, why the god is a threat if he's banished, why the Animators are in hiding, why Sam would be the bait, etc... Everything I mentioned above. This sounds interesting, but right now it feels like a lot of disparate elements that aren't tied together cohesively.