Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.
I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.
If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.
If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.
My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.
Seventeen-year-old Cameron Sloane, despite what the Tremont High principal declares, knows he isn’t brave for coming forward to say his algebra teacher acted in a “sexually inappropriate” way. Cam knows he lied. I had to look at this a few times, wondering at the wording. Of course he knows he lied. In fact, he had to. It was his only option. If not, Shauna, his best friend, could have gotten hurt. We need to know how his actions protect Shauna, becuase right now I don't see a connection between their narratives, and someone making false accusations like this is not going to have the sympathy of the reader. He'll need to have a REALLY good reason. Also, your original wording wastes space. You'll need to be concise in a query.
First-year teacher Brad Miller desperately wants the nightmare of the false accusation to end so he can get back to teaching algebra, a career his father rejects as being second-rate. When his principal pulls him out of his classroom, Brad suffers another panic attack, which he’s tried to hide from everyone, especially his students. When the sweat and tremors come, the principal sees guilt. Brad, in turn, sees his career and life ending. In general, narrators in YA need to be teens. There are some exceptions, but they're rare and it is usually established authors taking that leap. Also, this doesn't read as a narrative arc for Brad, just a scene - does he take any actions? What is his role in the story, other than being the unjustly, panicked, accused?
Shauna Lange, one of only four Black girls in the school, wants out of Tremont High. Like right now! Actually, she wants out of Tremont, Ohio after being targeted by classmates. a group of teenage racists. Not happening, her parents tell her. Turn the other cheek, they say. No way, Shauna responds. Changing the wording here a little bit for the sake of being concise. The fact that she's the only back girl implies that the target comes from racist, and using "classmates" insinuates that they are teens as well. Unless they stop harassing her, she’s going to find out who these bullies are and stomp them, she doesn't know who it is? Assuming it's classmates, then? Also, she's going to literally attack them? What's her narrative here, other than getting angry? Does she have a plan? Is she asking questions to figure out who it is? despite Cameron’s pleas to let him handle it. But again, how in the world would Cam's accusations help Shauna? I see no connection.
Cameron, Brad, and Shauna share the role of protagonist in What He Said, a stand-alone, realistic YA novel of 90,800 words. Chapters shift from each character’s point-of-view as the story moves to its ominous resolution. You're going to have to be more clear about how these stories intersect to create a plot, and what the arc is for each character, as well as what's at stake.
I am seeking representation for What He Said, my contribution to YA fiction that deals with racism and homophobia. Although Cameron, Brad, and Shauna are separated in so many ways at Tremont High, the events in What He Said ultimately connect them in ways they never expected. We need to see those connections in the query body itself, and understand how this forms a cohesive narratove. Cut this para entirely and get the connections into the query, instead of stating they exist here.
Racism in school hallways and sexual misconduct by teachers aren’t new. Television and the internet seem to report regularly about hate crimes and the inappropriate relationships between teachers and their students, but how often do news sources reveal later that the accusations are false? A teacher accused of such conduct rarely gains any sympathy in the media, and Brad Miller is no exception. Again, this isn't part of the query, and makes it seems like the adult protag has more weight in the story than your teen narrators, which isn't a good move.
Previously, I published my debut novel My Last Year of Life (in School) (Black Rose Writing, 2015) and ten nonfiction books, including Writing Smarter (Prentice Hall, 1998) and The Elite Wrestler (Coaches Choice, 2020). I am also a veteran English teacher who was named Ohio’s High School English Teacher of the Year in 2000.
Awesome bio!! Cut the irrelevant paras, get the cohesive narrative into the query and you're looking much better!