Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.
I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.
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My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.
Harmony “Goldilocks” Gold is hunted by a “Charming” guard she can’t help falling for as, haunted Using "hunted" so close to "haunted" had me mentally confusing the two. I didn't realize he was pursuing her until I had read further by the tragedy and accusations of her past, she travels across the kingdoms to see the trial of her abusive father. I realize I might be alone in this, but I don't understand why Charming is in quotes - is he prince Charming? But a guard? I think this opening sentence is a touch convoluted and must be unraveled in order for the reader to dissect what's going on. I'd shoot for simplicity in your opening hook.
The Criminal is a twist on the story of “Goldilocks” and tells the story of Harmony Gold, a sarcastic fugitive forced into a life on the run by her abusive father and the death of her mother. In desperation to survive after the loss of loved ones, Harmony slowly becomes the criminal the world thinks she is, taking on the identity others have given her. Harmony struggles for freedom and desires a normal life but has to come to the realization that neither is in the cards for “Goldilocks.” Right now, this is running in circles - you've got an opening para that sounds like a pitch, but then you go into an overview statement here. We need to know why the world thinks she is a criminal, and how she evolves to become one. Right now these are broad statements that don't tell us much at all about the actual plot.
But when Harmony finds an advertisement for the trial of her father, she sees a way towards the freedom she so desires. If only she could lose the guard chasing her. And if only she could stop falling head over heels for him. Why would there be an ad for a trial? Is it just like a news statement? Why would the trial be a path toward freedom for her? Why is a guard chasing her? How can she fall head over heels for someone she is evading? Do they interact? Surely they must be thrown together at some point in order to fall in love? You'll see from my questions here that the plot isn't reallly present in the query.
Now Harmony must decide: is freedom what she really wants? Or will she redefine her identity as something more than a criminal? Why does she have to decide? What forces that?
The Criminal is an 87,000 word YA novel appropriate for both MG and adult audiences. That's a pretty large statement - that this book can be read by MG to adults. You need to be more narrow, b/c the counterargument is that they won't know how to market it.It is the first in a seven-book series You definitely don't want to be pitching the first in a 7 book series. It needs to be a standlone with series potential - and that needs to be an accurate statement. entitled Once Upon a Tome with themes of identity and racial discrimination. Really? Where? I had zero idea that this was the case from everything above. The writing style is a cross between Gail Carson Levine and Sarah J. Maas with a little bit of Chris Colfer’s middle-grade whimsy.
I am a dual citizen of New Zealand and the US, a dog mother, and a tea enthusiast. I have been writing with the intent to publish since I was twelve and recently self-published a poetry book entitled Imagine This: From Pain to Possibility about the severe pain and medical conditions I face and the ways I push through. The book has sold about 75 copies so far. I hope to publish more books in the YA fiction realm in the future. Without extremely impressive self-publishing sales, don't mention it at all. Also, most people who are writers have been writing since they were children. If you don't have anything incredibly relevant to include in your bio, don't be scared to leave it simple, and skimpy.