Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.
I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.
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My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.
I hope you will consider HIGH SCHOOL DIARIES a YA contemporary complete at 60.000 words.
AMANDA You only capitalize a character's name if you're writing a synopsis is a freshman in high school when she decides she has had enough of her previous life. Previous life in what way? If she's currently in a life, and hasn't made any changes, she's still in that life, and it's not her previous life. Definitely dig for a better hook.
In middle school, she was known as the shy, weird outcast who barely spoke. But when high school starts, she’s determined to become the girl who goes to parties and has boys lining up to be her boyfriend—without of course ever dating any of them. Why would she never date any of them?
But as her new chapter unfolds, the challenges continue to grow, Amanda realizes she’s standing mostly alone, her only best friend grows distant, and worst of all, her love life takes and unwelcome turn. This is way, way too generic. What are the challenges? Why is she stnading alone? Why is her friend growing distant? How does her love life take a turn? What's going on? What's the plot? Basic rule of a query - what does the main character want? What stands in the way of getting it? What is at stake? How will they conquer the obstacles? This is way too generic - girl tries to make changes and loses herself along the way. Details matter - how is this any different from every other story like this? Get them into the query.
My inspiration for writing High School Diaries comes from a similar experience I had of being moved to another country and dealing with being shy but wanting a bigger life. In my free time, I enjoy cooking & baking, game nights with friends and focusing on self-improvements.
It's a nice bio, but if you have any sort of writing credentials, even membership in organizations like SCBWI, etc. mention that here. You don't necessarily have to have any prior writing experience in order to query, but try to mention any ties you might have.