Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.
I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.
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My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.
Vivaswan, (an Incarnatus, of course) reflects freely beyond time, space, and even memory. Ironically, he cannot remember why he was created, and though other Incarnatus have attempted to fathom their arcane origins - or expand their ethereal potencies - all have failed, merging too deeply within the expanses of the Causal Ocean, where the collective consciousness of all worlds and living entities rests eternally. Not gonna lie, I'm a smart person and I had to work to pick apart what this is saying. A query needs to be easily understood. This is a philosophy, not a hook. I don't really have an understanding of who this is, what their purpose is, and certainly not what the plot might be When otherworldly forces set upon him, Vivaswan reincarnates as an inconsequential beggar from India who again reincarnates within the continent of Dravideya, where forces churn against each other in the (usual) struggle for supremacy. Same thing, honestly.
In the South, Dwarka is under siege from the Krithim Empire. Rebel King Maitreya brings change - wanted or not - upon the land. Supported by his stalwart elder brother Ugrasena, Maitreya defies the oppressively lavish merchant nobility in the name of vindicated equality, and they are winning. This makes more sense, but I have no idea how any of this connects with Viviswan
Meanwhile, the threatened Ista Gosthi - a secret monopoly formed of Dwarkan merchants, political leaders, and economic influencers- attempt to infiltrate Krithim, only to discover Maitreya’s purpose is not so noble: in his attempt to upturn Dravideyan society for the so-called “better”, he has joined arms with a Siddha… I don't know what a Siddha is, so I don't know what this means or why it's impactful
Niyantr - the only other remaining Siddha on Dravideya - is a piece of work: an advanced sage with unmatched magical power, decades of knowledge, and a Machiavellian approach to goals. Whilst Maitreya uses him to further his siege on Dwarka, Niyantr uses Maitreya to revive Virinchi, an Incarnatus long-since betrayed and defeated for having been the only one close enough to achieve oneness with the Causal Ocean. He is desperate to seize Vivaswan to complete the resurrection, but Vivaswan barely escapes capture, grappling with an ever-growing question: is he just an Indian beggar lost in another world, or perhaps something far, far, more universal…? Again, I don't have a great idea of what the plot is, who the main character is. What is the goal, what does the main character want, and what is standing in their way?
If beginnings are anything to go by, then let’s start with the assumption that I entered this world half South African, half South Indian, and somehow another half was left over to be a first-generation American. Not bad, right?
After my parents emigrated and settled in the USA from South Africa, life brought me somehow to India, and I grew up in the world of bhakti yoga, studying the Gitopanishad and the Vedanta Sutra texts (great inspirations for my submission, in fact), and understanding a little bit more about the vedic way of life. Life is actually pretty fascinating here! I grew up for many years in a gurukula (a vedic sort of boys’ ashram) where spiritual, academic, and material life are all wrapped up like a holy school-shaped burrito. We distributed food to the local communities, helped clean up a never-ending pile of trash from the town, joined the boys for some sankirtan singing from time to time, and bizarrely: I even learned to cook for myself (shocker, I know!). Sometime shortly after that, I happened to turn into a 20-something-year-old aspiring author navigating the nebulous tides of query letter and book edit lore, to which I can only say: “Lord have mercy!”, but in order to not have to live under a bridge (the traditional scenario for tortured artists), I decided to get a crispy degree in BB Finance & Administration.
I work in ecclesiastical education, and the community I live in is literally multi-national from all over the world (we’re still waiting on the North Koreans who are currently unavailable for comment), in the village of Sri Mayapur, which is about 4 hours by flying carpet - err, I mean car - from the nearest place where good coffee can be found. It’s not a bad life. Your bio is almost as long as the query, which isn't a good move. Your bio needs to relate to your writing experience, or how it relates to the content. I also don't advise being cutesy in your bio. Agents see hundreds upon hundreds of people trying to do this, and it's pretty much impossible to do this in a way that is actually charming.
Lots of things not working here - you don't say the title, the genre, the word count, or anything regarding where this would fit into the market, etc., which is pivotal. Again, I don't have a good idea of what the actual plot of the book is b/c the wording is so convoluted, and the bio is way, way too long. Look into some query writing basics, check out Jane Friedman in particular (link below).