Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.
I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.
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My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.
Life as the daughter of a prominent chieftain has never been easy for Akira. Her headstrong nature rebels at the thought of an arranged marriage, but her father insists that it will strengthen alliances with a neighboring tribe. How can she refuse the union when the fate of her tribe rests on her compliance? Theoritical questions aren't all that helpful in a query As her father’s warring past and her tribe’s uncertain future collide, an arranged marriage is about to become the least of her concerns. What does this mean? It's very vague. To make matters worse, a stranger from across the sea arrives, challenging Akira’s perception of herself and her future. Again, what does this mean? It could be anything from she figured out she's part Dalmatian to she wants to work on the railroad.
Alex is hurled into a desperate struggle for his life when he escapes from kidnappers and finds himself stranded in the primeval world known only as the Hinterlands. This raises the question of where/when this is? After a harrowing scrape with death, he is rescued by a spear-wielding beauty and brought back to her tribe. Alex quickly earns Akira’s trust, but he’s keeping secrets about his identity and motives. What does this mean? A hostile tribe from the north is lurking in the shadows, and Alex alone has the key to exposing them. But can he trust Akira’s loyalties when his own kingdom hangs in the balance? Yep, no idea what all this means or how it ties together. You know, b/c you're the author, so it makes sense to you. The only thing I'm getting is that there's a girl, there's a boy, there's danger, and people are mad, but I don't really know why, or how all these things tie together into a plot.
"J. H. Lehr’s The Hinterlands delivers a clarion call against injustice, somehow blending modern headlines into an epic fantasy journey. Follow feisty Akira into the wilds if you dare. But beware! When adolescent dreams and gritty reality collide, the results can be not just life changing but world changing." ~redacted Using blurbs in a query isn't going to do you any favors. I haven't heard of this author, and when I looked them up their most reviewed title only had 500 some reviews, which (unfortunately - b/c this is true of my books as well) isn't all that impressive.
THE HINTERLANDS (86,000 words) is book one in this YA action-packed primeval fantasy duology. With gritty, humorous characters that will appeal to readers of Jennifer Nielsen (Ascendance Series), this story is set in a savage world that captures the raw essence of tribal epic Clan of the Cave Bear by Jean Auel. The Hinterlands is a panoramic adventure centering around a strong female lead thrust into a world of escalating plot twists and treachery. A world that threatens to destroy her heart even as she fights to ensure the survival of her people. Great comp titles and descriptions here, but if there's any way at all you can get this into a standalone with series potential, that's the way to go. YA fantasy is insane right now and nearly impossible to break into.
As a 1st Dan (black belt) martial artist, book connoisseur, and equestrian, intriguing and action-packed stories have always played a pivotal role in my life. Here in the beautiful mountains of North Idaho, my days are filled with reading and creating stories that – in the words of Samwise Gamgee – really matter. My literary accomplishments include eight top prize-winning short stories (one Grand Champion), a self-published YA novel, and hosting multiple writers’ workshops/book signings. With an AA in both Communication and Education, I work as an inbox and social media manager for Christian Karate Association. Great bio as well! You clearly know what you are doing, you've just fallen into the common trap of thinking that your query is delivering the plot, but really it's vague - your brain is filling in the details and tying the elements together, simply b/c it already knows the answers.