Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.
I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.
If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.
If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.
My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.
I am writing to seek representation for my 125,000- word epic fantasy novel, Photomancer. It follows two young men hosting ancient spirits, one destined to save the world, the other to break it- and both of them in love with each other in a world where such things are punishable by death. You might think of it as N.K. Jemisin’s The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms meets Book of the Ancestor by Mark Lawrence. This is a great intro. The only tweak I have is that there is an echo with the word world that needs addressed. Your word count is a bit high, if you're able to trim it, that won't hurt you, although there is wiggle room for world building with fantasy.
Yoon is a thriving world. Magic is a rare, useful, dangerous gift that leaves physical scars on its users unless they belong to the Thyman Church. Thyme is Yoon’s superpower, I don't know what this means. What is thyme? And can a world have a superpower? with a bustling economy and an impeccable military- but with a Church that beheads anyone who doesn’t think like them and burns anyone with Scars.
Kohnui is chosen against his wish to train at the Thyman Conservatory of magic- as is Cameron, son of the richest noble in the land. But Kohnui is hiding a terrible secret, and he must constantly battle his attraction to Cameron while struggling to hide his Scar during his training at a school full of the very people that would kill him if he were ever discovered. Yet Cameron has his own secrets and his own past, as Kohnui will soon discover; and their seemingly insignificant struggles might be the turning point in a heavenly war going back thousands of years, with the fate of both the heavens and Yoon hanging in the balance. I don't really know what that means. You need to be more clear about the plot, and what the conflict is. Right now we've got secrets and unrequited / star-crossed love, but that's a story that's been told a million times. What's different about yours? What about those ancient spirits? Why does the fate of the entire world hang on these two?
Photomancer is my first full-length novel, but I have published several short stories in local magazines and anthologies, including one which won the CREPLA award (a regional sub-Saharan African prize). I have worked as a junior editor for faculty magazines.
I understand you are always on the lookout for fresh talent, and I would be thrilled to count myself among the ranks of your clients. I gather you enjoy fantasy with strong voices and character-driven stories that shed a spotlight on Latinx and other underrepresented groups, and I think this is something in my work that would particularly appeal to you. Thank you very much for your consideration.
Overall, nicely done with a good bio. You just need to get more plot in there, as the big points you're hitting (unrequited love, star-crossed love, secrets, magic school, etc) have all been done before. Get more of what makes this story distinct - particulary the plot - into the query.