Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.
I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.
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The first line of a query letter is so important, it sets the tone for everything else, because of that I want to thank you for setting aside any time of your day to read this. I have put a lot of love and effort into it and I made sure that it can appeal to a wide demographic of people from all walks of life. My passion comes from the need to deliver a well-crafted and honed story that will stir up emotions long since forgotten in the masses. I hope you enjoy. I don't suggest starting out this way. You're right - the first line sets the tone. Right now your tone is polite, but also has nothing to do with your story. You're not telling the agent anything they don't already know - that the first line matters, that they set aside time to read queries, that your book is important to you. They already know these things. They read queries looking to find a book that grabs their interest. Do that.
“KINETIC: THE FIRST ALLIANCE” is the first book in a Sci-fi, Young Adult series and is complete at 81,300 words. Its pace and theme will appeal to the readers of such books as Pittacus Lore’s “I AM NUMBER FOUR” and “STEELHEART” by Brandon Sanderson. I know some people suggest opening with your data - title, word count, and comp tites. I've always suggested hitting them with your hook first. Every book has a title and word count. Give them something distinctive to your book as soon as they start reading. Also, do your best to present this as a stand alone with series potential. YA is very crowded right now and SF can be a hard sell for non-established names. Don't ask them to take a chance on a series if you can get your foot in the door with a standalone.
Alex Carter is a pathological fantasist, naïve idealist, and the poster child for histrionic personality disorder, but he would just tell you he’s “misunderstood.” Big words for a hook for a young adult novel. I happen to know what histrionic personaltiy disorder is, but only becuase I dated one. I think it would be best to assume the person reading this query would be better served to have character traits explained rather then send them Googling for the answer... becuase they won't. One night, his life takes a turn for the chaotic when he is confronted by Shyra—a brash, deadly alien from a far off world—who warns of the inevitable invasion by the expanding Zenakuu Empire.
Shyra unlocks a dormant power Alex never knew he had inside him— the latent ability to manipulate electricity. She informs him he must use this power to guard Earth from the same global annihilation her world barely escaped. She tricks Alex into believing the best way to protect his home from eradication is to go with her and fight in the war. So, she tricks him? Is she not a trustowrthy character? Does he know he's been tricked?
They traverse the nation to recruit four more kinetics, each with a different ability, to fight the upcoming interplanetary battle to the death. With Shyra’s guidance, the impromptu team of kinetics have just one year to train their bodies and minds in a remote location in the U.S. in hopes of stopping the Zenakuu from wiping out the human race and claiming Earth as their new home. Nice, it's fun so far. What I don't have is any feeling of who Alex is, and how he feels about this.
When war infiltrates Earth, the fate of humanity lies in the hands of a teenager who is only sure that he’s impossibly unsure, but Alex will either succeed as the hero Earth needs, or sacrifice everything in an effort to save the ones he’s grown to love. So he grows to love his team? Is there a romance here? Is he finding himself with these other kinetics? That's the kind of thing we need here. The plot is pretty straightforward, so give us some more character insight and emotion.
I have been a writer for over ten years now, and have had non-fiction articles featured in magazines such as Steppin' Out and Jersey Beat. I’ve also hosted creative writing seminars at some local bookstores. My other credentials lie in my degree in the physical sciences. I have studied modern physics, and minored in astronomy. “Kinetic” is fiction, but based on easy to follow real science.
Good bio! You've done a good job of showing that you know what you're talking about on the science end, but that you are also a writer at heart.
As I said, get more emotion into this. Maybe tell us about the other three kinetics and the team (briefly). Tell us more about who Alex is without giving us a DSM diagnosis.