Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.
I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.
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My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.
In the glittering backstreets of modern New York, old scars and secrets give birth to magical calamities.I think this is interesting but I'm not sure that it's quite hook-ish enough, because it's very non-specific. I do think it's decent though, and if you follow it up with real meat, it could work.
To the venandi, power is a matter of life and death. This is definitely not real meat. I don't know who or what the venandi are, so it doesn't really matter to me. And power is kind of always a matter of life and death, no matter who you are. I'd strike this.
Their hidden society is structured upon the notion of noblesse oblige — privilege entails responsibility. Okay... this makes them sound like they are the good guys, whereas power being a matter of life and death as alluded to in the line above, makes them seem power hungry, so it feels contradictory to me. Their second hearts that beat alongside the first draw power from the ether: an energy source from the realm of purity, the first out of reality’s three dimensions, which manifests into eight different types of magical abilities as it passes into the mortal realm. Way too much world building, no plot. I'm not really intereted in second hearts and ether and 8 kinds of magic, because I don't know who they are, what they want, or what the plot is. Right now this goes from being very vague, to become super specific - but still not telling me anything about what the story is.
Seventeen year old Hazel Labelle has always believed herself cursed, haunted by her strange ability to see the spirit world. Is Hazel a human? Or a venandi? We spent a lot of time talking about them and now we're talking about Hazel. She is an avid boxer and pioneer, What does it mean to be a pioneer in today's world? and she has not lived in one place for more than six months. The unstable nature of her life was put to rest upon reaching New York, where she has lived in peace for four years. You just said she's never stayed anywhere more than 6 months, but now it's four years - also, if she's seventeen, she got to NY when she was 13... so are her parents the ones moving her around and leading this wandering lifestyle? But recently, her peace is threatened by a series of strange happenings within the city — people are disappearing in groups without a trace, their bodies found burned and covered in odd markings. Why does this threaten her peace? What does it have to do with her ability to see the spirit world?
When Hazel is attacked by a mysterious man in a mask during a rebellious one night road trip with her friend, an intrusion that results in the kidnapping of her father, her fragile reality starts to crumble. Really convoluted sentence here. And what does it mean that her reality is fragile? Fragile how? Connected to her visions? Does the road trip matter to the story? Simply say - "when her father is kidnapped." You don't have a lot of room to go into this level of detail in a query. Drawn into the twisted dark world of venandi, I'm completely confused as to whether the venandi are good or bad Hazel is put through a dream trial that unveils a fledgling venandi’s magic, only to discover she possesses a cursed power that is not meant to exist. She also begins to suffer from flashes of images, bits and pieces from a past she cannot remember. With the help of the residents of the Phoenix Headquarters, Who are they? How did she meet them? Are they venandi? and she will face down age-old schemes, bitter royals, and a world-shattering betrayal that will leave her unable to tell friend from foe, illusion from reality, and lies from truths any longer. This doesn't have any impact because I don't know anything about the schemes, the royals, or the betrayals. They're just words and plot elements that any number of stories have.
For in the venandi world, ignorance equals ruination. This doesn't really have any impact either, because I don't know who the venandi are, what they want, or if they're even good or bad.
NOTHING BUT SHADOWS is a modern reimagining of medieval monarchs and nobility, heavily dusted with magical intrigue. It is an upper YA contemporary fantasy complete at 118k words, with series potential. I am currently a college student from South Korea, and I run an Instagram account (@winter.writes17) with over 34k followers.
From the query, I never would have guessed that this had any relation to medieval monachs, etc. I don't understand how any of these plot elements are connected - venandi, dead bodies in the city, her dad getting kidnapped, a guy attacking her, these Phoenix people, and then any number of things in the last paragraph. You need to get the actual plot front and center - and Hazel, not the venandi. Their hearts, etc, don't matter at all. What is Hazel's goal? Is she trying to get her dad back? He's lost entirely. I don't know what she wants, who her enemy is, who her friends are, or what the actual plot is. Work on trimming this down to the bone to get the plot front and center, not world building, or too much detail about things that don't matter (second hearts, one night road trips). Also, YA fantasy is always inundated, and 118k is pretty long in the tooth for a debut. Try to get it under 100k before you start quyering!