Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.
I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.
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My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.
WOMAN IN THE PAINTING is an upmarket, dual-era romantic fiction with elements of magical realism, perfect for book clubs. Melding the sexy, playful humor of Christina Lauren’s THE SOULMATE EQUATION into the grand worldbuilding of THE INVISIBLE LIFE OF ADDIE LARUE, the happily-ever-after will appeal to anyone who wonders whether soulmate is more than a metaphor.
My first reaction has always been that your hook should come first - not comp titles or genre. Every querying author out there has comp titles and a genre. Start with what only you have - your hook, for your book.
Like me, Jude Christensen is half-Filipino, an art lover, and an unabashed Anglophile. Don't bring yourself into the body of the query. You can allude to your identity with the MC in your bio, but here is the place to focus on the fiction, the book itself. Also, you need a bigger hook than just describing your main character. Since acquiring an unsigned 19th-century portrait, the Seattle curator dreams he’s a Regency-era gallant in love with the bewitching Philomena, the woman in the painting. You might want to clarify "dreams" here. Is he actually asleep and dreaming, or is this a daydream / obsession? Obsessed with unmasking the secret artist to determine its value and perhaps make sense of his increasingly complex dreams, Jude is drawn to Philomena’s descendant, Dr. Marielle Heathcote, who has her same haunting eyes. It's a little more clear now that we are talking about actual dreams, but I think you might want to clarify sooner, to avoid any confusion. Also be careful with the use of the word "obsessed." By nature it has negative qualities attached to it, so it throws a certain shadow on the narrative - unless that's what you want. It's question of whether this interest is healthy or unhealhty.
Marielle is reluctant to sell her family’s treasures, but heirlooms are all she has to stave off bankruptcy. From Seattle to England, she and Jude embark on a romantic affair fueled by a shared zeal for art, literature, and solving the mystery of the painting. What is the mystery of the painting? And what does her financial situation have to do with it? Why are they on a road trip? How are all these things connected? Marielle’s chilling night terrors and regression therapy reveal an impossible Georgian-era love triangle. Forgotten journals from Heathcote Hall expose the painter to be Philomena’s husband—but he’s not the same man Jude sees with Philomena whenever he closes his eyes. Yet, Jude refuses to believe in past lives. So is this what they are doing with a road trip? I'm confused about the triangle. Philomena and her husband, but then also a third man that Jude can see... but it's not Jude? I thought he dreamt he was a gallant trying to romance Philomena?
To understand the gut-wrenching connection between Philomena, the disgraced father of her child, and his charming, steadfast friend who secretly loves him, Marielle and Jude must open their hearts to the possibility that this is not the first time they’ve fallen in love. I'm confused about who is who in this narrative, and how it relates to the modern characters. Told through the eyes of four characters in two parts: Part 1, His Other Half (the male gaze) and Part 2, Her Other Half (the female gaze) have alternating timelines and point-of-views. My debut novel is 122000 words and is the first of a planned “Soul Group” series. I would definitely state it's alternating POV's but you don't have to get that into the weeds with how it will be structured in a query. Your word count is way too high for a debut - you need to get it below 100k, and I would also do you best to get it in a place where you can pitch it as a stand alone with series potential.
In September, WOMAN IN THE PAINTING won third at the Pacific Northwest Writers Conference and is now a finalist in Romance Writers of America’s Romance Through the Ages contest. Since 2013, I’ve edited more than fifty novels and curated five anthologies. A member of the Jane Austen Society and Pacific Northwest Writers Association, I live in Washington State. My own whirlwind English fantasy came true thanks to actor Henry Cavill when we sipped champagne together atop the London Eye. True story. You can Google it
lol, I like the bio. I'd get the allusion to your own identity into that para, as well.
Right now I'd say your biggest problem is that I'm not really sure what the goal is. Figure out who painted the painting? What it's worth? Which one of them is someone else from the past, and if they've been in love before? Right now, it's got a nice romantic, historial and mystery vibe, but I don't really see what the obstacle is. Is there a threat from the past that can damage their current love? What is the goal and what is the obstacle?
As you can see from my above comments, I'm also a little in the weeds about the tangled identities. I think you might need to present it in a more simplistic way.