Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.
I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.
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My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.
Nessa Bailey wants revenge on her brother’s killer. The only trouble is, she’s in love with him. Nice... so you clearly understand what a hook is and how to use one. Well done.
Seven years after the suspicious car accident that killed Silas and sent hmmm... so, we don't know who Christian is. We can kind of assume that he's the "killer" but I think it needs clarification. Was Christian driving? Suggested rephrasing ... and sent the driver - Silas' best friend Christian - or, if it was a two car accident and Christian was driving that car, simply refer to him as "the other driver" to prison, Nessa’s life is stunted. I think I need to know more here. Is she just unable to move past it? Is she fixated? How is it stunting her? Despite her complicated emotions, Why are her emotions complicated? Was she already in love with Christian at the time of the accident? Also, the way this is written, it sounds like the emotions referred to are the therapist's, not Nessa's her therapist's solution is simple: face Christian upon his release and forgive him. Again, I think we need more about this accident. An accident is called an accident for a reason - why was it suspicious? What is Christian jailed for, exactly? Manslaughter? Drunk driving? Only, instead of apologizing, Christian stonewalls. How? Insisting upon his innocence? Again, the details surrounding the car accident need to be given just a little bit more room. And instead of forgiving, Nessa takes a golf club to anything within swinging distance. Including him? The next line makes it sound like this was in public, and she got into legal trouble. More please.
This earns her community service alongside Christian, which she sees as an opportunity to exact revenge.How? And does it play out? The cost doesn’t matter; anything is better than shouldering the guilt of never avenging Silas. But when anonymous letters appear on her doorstep, Nessa discovers that more than her precarious mental health Is her mental health precarious? I don't think that's completely clear here, minus the golf club mention. What's her situation? Is she working? Living in her parent's basement? Hospitalized? How bad, exactly, is her mental health? Can she function? is on the line. Someone other than Nessa and Christian has vested interest in the accident, and they will do anything to make sure she stops digging. And what does that mean for the two of them? Are they both in danger? Do they both have a vested interest in finding out who this is, or why they did what they did? Would it clear Christian's name? What's his stake in this? Are they thrown together, and made to work together to find the solution? Does her "revenge" plan for him come into play at any point? Is she still in love with him? Is that blooming again? How does that feel? How does he feel for her?
THE LOVELIEST THINGS THAT STILL REMAIN is a 77,000-word contemporary romance But... it also feels like there's a mystery / thriller angle told through dual POV and timelines. If this is dual POV, then the query should be as well, to an extent. One para for Nessa, one for Christian. Also... dual timelines meaning the present, and the past, leading up to the incident? I wasn't getting that out of the query, at all. If Every Summer After married Forever, Interrupted and went to therapy, you’d have my book.
Before crying myself through writing this book, I authored missing "a?"standalone Divine and The Separation Trilogy, then appeared in First for Women Magazine and Chicken Soup for the Soul. I also write romance novellas under the pseudonym Tesla Storm. Your bona fides for the articles in magazies / collections are solid. If you don't have good / many reviews for your other titles, I wouldn't mention them When I’m not writing, I teach high schoolers as a trauma-informed educator. And when they’re not giving me scathing (if honest) critiques of my outfit choices, they are good company lol. Yah. I substitute and once had a fifth grader inform me I had on too much foundation