Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.
I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.
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My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.
With their Confidence and hearts shredded by toxic exes, two women’s chance encounter at a birthday sparks the oppourtunity to build an adventure at building a relationship together. except But it won’t last unless the frightened one accepts who she is without shame, and the embittered one lets go of her survivor’s guilt. I like the opening here, but I think the first line could be restructured slighlty in order to make it a little more accessible. I had to re-read it twice in order to understand the beginning phrase. Other rephrasing to avoid a run on indicated above.
I am reaching out to you seeking representation for my debut stand-alone novel with series potential. The Red Carnation, set in the early 2000’s of New York, weaves a story of LGBTQ+ and romance using humor and sorrow to show the empowerment of a loving family, true friendships, and standing up to fears and prejudice. In my novel T and Maddy present both sides of what it's like to be gay: the confident ones who’ve always known and those later in life discoverers needing to find the courage to say 'I am what I am' and I am worth something. This is a summation paragraph and bleongs at the end, IMO. Also, I always tell people to skip the "I am seeking representation" statement, b/c that's kind of obvious. You're querying them.
Almost old enough to retire secretary, I'd open this different, the sentence structure here is awkward Maddy Beckworth wasted most of her life with an abusive husband because she didn’t know there was a same sex relationship choice. Didn't know it was an option like in general as a human? Or for her, individually? The way it's written sounds like the former, as if anyone being anything other than straight is news to her Newly divorced after being told for years she was useless and abnormal, What does this mean? Did her ex suspect her sexuality and drove her down because of it? she fears she doesn’t deserve to be loved, wanted and Happy. happy should not be capitalized Maddy just needs the right someone to believe in her because she really is ‘hiding her light under a bushel’.
Cusp of fortieth birthday, Dinah ‘T’ Jay, is the retired police hero, business owner, Lucky Rose PI series author and Out for years Lesbian. I'd restructure this sentence, as the way it's formulated right now makes it awkward, same with opening paragraph above. T has everything: ‘The eyes, voice, and body’, No reason to put that in quotes money and fame. She’s also still tormented by her abusive partner’s untimely death years earlier so why should she deserve to be loved, wanted and Happy. Is it a question? Needs a question mark. But also a different route here - they both believe they don't deserve to be loved, wanted, and happy, but for different reasons. Distinguish those more T just needs the right someone to ease her from the unwarranted guilt. Guilt about what? The partner's death? Why? What happened? Also, out, lesbian and happy, shouldn't be capitalized.
Maddy doesn’t understand the feelings she’s having for T; how can two women love each other Again, if Maddy has been living in New York in the early 2000's, I feel like she can't be quite this wide-eyed and naive. If it's more like - how can I feel this way? that makes sense, but that's not what's coming across here and Why would T want her, the timid mouse? T already knows she’s falling for Maddy but hopes she’s not the ‘Test the Other side’ rebound; Why would Maddy want her, the cynical loner anyway? Two wounded souls each wishing for a second chance at finding that special person who’s both good To and For them; brought together by either pure dumb luck . . . or Fate. Don't capitalize why, test, other, to, for, fate.
The Red Carnation is similar to: Reservations of the Heart by T.B. Markinson (Two women dealing with trust issues), Gold by E.J. Noyes (Second chances when you’re at rock bottom), and Gentleman Jack by Anne Lister/Sally Wainwright (Lesbian romance between a strong character and a timid one).
My potential readers market is: The LGBTQ+ community wanting relatable FF relationship stories. Fans of Val McDermid and the Gentleman Jack TV series. Anyone who likes the Outlander series. People who want to laugh, cry and identify with fiction characters, and love being drawn into their World. Loving Broadway Divas and music is a plus too. Way too much time being spent on comp titles here. Your query should only be about 300 words, and you just used half of those on comp titles. Also, if your query is doing the job of getting the thrust of the novel across, you shouldn't have to explain why something is a good comp. Save that room for talking about your own book, not other people's.
Karen is LGBTQ+. Finding the courage to divorce an abusive husband, she moved cross country, stumbled into an online same sex chat room and began a ten year, 8,000 mile apart, long distance relationship until it was legal to marry. Karen’s an eclectic bookworm, accomplished quilter and crafter. If this is your bio, it needs to be in first person.