Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.
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My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.
Ten years ago Lucie Elsayed died and returned to life, saved by a bargain between her father and a Persian deity. Really great hook! One minor detail would be to include a slight indication her age, perhaps rephrasing this slightly so that it refers to the father taking the action in order to "save his child" Marked only by her silver hair, Lucie is ignorant of the origins of her rebirth and instead occupied with practicing ballet and attending parties. This is the first indication that the setting is actually the contemporary world. Maybe mention Paris setting sooner. But when a god of wind splits the sky and abducts her father as payment for the deal he made a decade ago, Lucie is plunged into a world of supernatural intrigue lurking beneath the streets of Paris.
Enter Wyatt, a boy with incandescent tattoos and a mandate to safeguard mortals from demons, who recognizes Lucie for what she truly is: an Immortal, a descendent of the same venerable Persian deities who have taken her father. Imbued with superhuman speed and endurance, Lucie must rely on Wyatt’s guidance to master her gifts, though he may be more insufferable than he is charming. Were the powers unknown to her before? Is she shocked? Scared? Feeling blessed? As Lucie delves deeper into the secrets of her family’s past, she suspects that defeat is not an option. If she cannot reclaim her father and unveil her buried heritage, she will lose everything she cares for as Paris is consumed by the forces her family has been bound to for generations. I think we need just a nudge here as to how they are bound. Is she like Wyatt, fighting the demons? Or is her family history tied in a different way?
EMPIRE OF IMMORTALS is the first book in a young adult urban fantasy series set in contemporary Paris and interwoven with Persian mythology. Complete at 89,000 words, it blends the evocative magic of Hafsah Faizal’s We Hunt the Flame with the wit of Tracy Deonn’s Legendborn.
As a Middle Eastern American author with a background in marketing and international relations, I am passionate about sharing the fables of my Persian ancestors. Given your interest in personalization for agent, I believe my manuscript would be a great fit for your list.
Really, really fantastic query here, including the last two paras with the personalization. I think it needs some very minor tweaks, and I would also find a way to make this a standalone with series potential, if at all possible.