Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.
I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.
If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.
If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.
My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.
I read on your Publisher's Marketplace website that you are seeking YA and fantasy submissions. I am seeking representation for my YA fantasy novel, WITCH PATROL. It’s a romantic fantasy with a word count of 68,8944. Given your interest in YA fantasy, I hope it might be a good fit for you. The book is the first in a series. Good job personalizing with the PW shoutout, but I encourage authors to put title, word count, etc., at the bottom. Everyone has those - start with what only you have - your hook. Also, round that word count up to 70k. And - I'm sure you've probably heard this - but you're better suited to have a stand alone with series potential than trying to pitch a series, especially in YA fantasy, which is an overcrowded genre and age category at the moment.
Teenage girl Gwenn Cosmis is a witch who saved humans from the demons accidentally conjured by their selfish desires. "saved" or "saves?" The past tense removes any sense of tension She lives with her dad, James. James spends most of his time looking for Gwenn’s mother, Athena, another witch who also helped humans as Gwenn did. Again the past tense isn't doing you any favors Before James leaves to track down a possible lead on Athena’s disappearance, he asks his daughter to check out some demonic activity. While inspecting a portal that a demon has come through, she meets supernatural beings Scorpius Raven, the creator of the Witch Patrol, and Rebecca Rodin, a member of the Witch Patrol with an ability to track demons.
Right now this is reading more like a synopsis than a query. You're doing a step by step through the plot, rather than giving an overview of the concept. For example, everything above could be collapsed into a statement that Gwenn has a supernatural role that she's stepped into after her mother disappeared (obviously I'm guessing at that detail, but you get the picture). When her dad leaves to track down mom, Gwinn stumbles across a portal and meets these people. You're spending too much time feeding details and not getting the bigger picture across.
James doesn’t call Gwenn later that night to let her know he’s okay, a tradition that Gwenn has come to depend on. Now, she assumes the worst and must ask Scorpius for the Witch Patrol’s help to find her parents. What is Scorpius like? What does Gwinn think of him and Rebecca? Are the a threat? A friend? Unsure?
Having been brought up by James believing she and Athena were the only supernatural beings, Are witches supernatural beings? Or are they humans with paranormal talents and abilities? Gwenn must now come to terms with the fact that there are others like her. How does she feel about that? Some of them hide in another realm, kidnapping teenage girls in London while waiting for their return to power. Why would they do this? What's the point? Is Gwinn in danger? Sirius Raven, Scorpius' twin brother, asks the Witch Patrol to investigate the kidnappings. Is Gwinn involved in this? What is she doing? She's the main character but it doesn't seem like she's actually doing anything While doing so, Gwenn meets the first supernatural being who needs her help to destroy the evil.What's that being? What evil? Rightfully called The First,The first? Of what? she also believes that the kidnapper is holding Athena hostage.
WITCH PATROL will appeal to readers of a Wicked Magic by Sasha Laurens and When We Were Magic by Sarah Gailey.
You definitely need to bring all of this together into a more cohesive whole. Dad kind of falls off the page, and I don't have a clear idea of what Gwinn's "job" is, why teenage girls (plus her mom) are being kidnapped, and what "the evil's" goal is. We need a clear statement of what our MC needs / wants (her mom?) what the obstacle is, and how she's going to overcome it. Right now this is a pretty vague - there are bad guys, and good guys, and Gwinn is special. That could be any fantasy YA, ever.
I have an Associate’s Degree in Writing. In 2020, 45 Women’s Magazine Literary Journal published one of my poems. In 2020, Witch Patrol was accepted for the Independent Storyteller Program on the Tales Creator website. I'm also an artist, frequently drawing my characters. My Deviant Art account has over 1,000 page views, and is the best website to see all of my pictures.
The bio is good, but I wouldn't bother with the Deviant Art mention. It's cool, but likely you aren't going to be providing your own illustrations or cover art, so it's not worth the mention.