The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

Uma is a young astrophysicist in New York City, eager to leave behind her early modeling career and to prove she finally converted into a true scientist. Good intro. We can infer a lot about Uma from this single sentence. However maybe a different word than "converted?" That implies a change, whereas Uma was likely intelligent all along. She knows she hit missing "the?"jackpot when she detects a new extrasolar planet with good potentials for terraformation. Maybe an explanation of what terraformation means. Does that mean it can support human life? The problem is, she soon realizes that what she has found is in fact not a planet: its orbit around its companion star follows an unnatural pattern, and the only logical conclusion is that it is actually an artificial object. Uma had discovered, for the first time in human history, an alien megastructure. Great so far! I understand our main character's need to prover herself, the magnitude of what she's discovered, and can infer the genre without you stating it. With the support of her senior mentor Paula, an accomplished physicist with Martian heritage, Screech of brakes. So is having Maritan heritage just a normal, unquestioned thing in this ficitonal world? You just kind of throw it in there as an aside. Is Paula's DNA a secret? Uma gradually unveils a mysterious mathematical sequence hidden in the pattern of the megastructure’s orbits. Is "unveils" the right word? That implies sharing it with others, usually quite a few. Does this need to be kept secret? What's the tension here? What are the ramifications of the exitence of this thing? Meanwhile, the reader meets Abdo, I would get rid of "the reader meets" an agronomist in the North-West territories of the African Federation. He balances his life between programming his agro-bots working in the crop fields and his girlfriend Aisha, who is working in a large company contracted to develop bots for an international mission to Titan, one of Saturn’s moon.Missing "s" on moons. When the discovery of the alien megastructure hits the news, the global scientific priorities shift and the Titan program is canceled. Abdo and Aisha’s lives are shaken and paranoia creeps in. They will end up hacking the raw data, digging into the true nature of the signal from the megastructure and traveling to New York to meet Uma. What they discover is beyond their most cynical imagination, and their next actions will change Uma’s future for ever, again.

Right now this is in pretty good shape as far as conveying information, but you're not setting up any kind of struggle, beyond Uma's need to prove herself as more than just a pretty face. Are there people trying to keep this information hidden? Is there a danger somewhere? What is actually at stake here? I don't know. I'm sure there's something, but right now this just seems to read like a series of discoveries with no real fallout.

PUSHING PLANETS (83,600 words) is my debut novel: an adult science fiction story in the close future, split between New York City, Africa and Mars, and with two POVs. Developed as a stand-alone, Pushing Planets contains many hooks for a potential sequel. It will appeal to readers of hard science fiction’s authors such as Asimov and Sagan, although the ending will surprise most of them.

Good info here, but if there's a Mars setting that should probably be made clear in the query. I'm not seeing it here, currently.

I am an academic at a prestigious university in London (UK), with a background in physics and biology. I have published a good number of research papers in scientific journals and written about science for most of my career. Before moving to London I lived for 15 years in NYC, where some of the inspiration for the book comes from. I have always been a sci-fi fan, and I finally decided to write the story I always wanted to read.

Great bio! You're clearly qualified to write this story. Get the tension into the query and some clarification about setting, such as the Mars element, and Paula's DNA.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

The first line of a query letter is so important, it sets the tone for everything else, because of that I want to thank you for setting aside any time of your day to read this. I have put a lot of love and effort into it and I made sure that it can appeal to a wide demographic of people from all walks of life. My passion comes from the need to deliver a well-crafted and honed story that will stir up emotions long since forgotten in the masses. I hope you enjoy. I don't suggest starting out this way. You're right - the first line sets the tone. Right now your tone is polite, but also has nothing to do with your story. You're not telling the agent anything they don't already know - that the first line matters, that they set aside time to read queries, that your book is important to you. They already know these things. They read queries looking to find a book that grabs their interest. Do that.

“KINETIC: THE FIRST ALLIANCE” is the first book in a Sci-fi, Young Adult series and is complete at 81,300 words. Its pace and theme will appeal to the readers of such books as Pittacus Lore’s “I AM NUMBER FOUR” and “STEELHEART” by Brandon Sanderson. I know some people suggest opening with your data - title, word count, and comp tites. I've always suggested hitting them with your hook first. Every book has a title and word count. Give them something distinctive to your book as soon as they start reading. Also, do your best to present this as a stand alone with series potential. YA is very crowded right now and SF can be a hard sell for non-established names. Don't ask them to take a chance on a series if you can get your foot in the door with a standalone.

Alex Carter is a pathological fantasist, naïve idealist, and the poster child for histrionic personality disorder, but he would just tell you he’s “misunderstood.” Big words for a hook for a young adult novel. I happen to know what histrionic personaltiy disorder is, but only becuase I dated one. I think it would be best to assume the person reading this query would be better served to have character traits explained rather then send them Googling for the answer... becuase they won't. One night, his life takes a turn for the chaotic when he is confronted by Shyra—a brash, deadly alien from a far off world—who warns of the inevitable invasion by the expanding Zenakuu Empire.

Shyra unlocks a dormant power Alex never knew he had inside him— the latent ability to manipulate electricity. She informs him he must use this power to guard Earth from the same global annihilation her world barely escaped. She tricks Alex into believing the best way to protect his home from eradication is to go with her and fight in the war. So, she tricks him? Is she not a trustowrthy character? Does he know he's been tricked?

They traverse the nation to recruit four more kinetics, each with a different ability, to fight the upcoming interplanetary battle to the death. With Shyra’s guidance, the impromptu team of kinetics have just one year to train their bodies and minds in a remote location in the U.S. in hopes of stopping the Zenakuu from wiping out the human race and claiming Earth as their new home. Nice, it's fun so far. What I don't have is any feeling of who Alex is, and how he feels about this.

When war infiltrates Earth, the fate of humanity lies in the hands of a teenager who is only sure that he’s impossibly unsure, but Alex will either succeed as the hero Earth needs, or sacrifice everything in an effort to save the ones he’s grown to love. So he grows to love his team? Is there a romance here? Is he finding himself with these other kinetics? That's the kind of thing we need here. The plot is pretty straightforward, so give us some more character insight and emotion.

I have been a writer for over ten years now, and have had non-fiction articles featured in magazines such as Steppin' Out and Jersey Beat. I’ve also hosted creative writing seminars at some local bookstores. My other credentials lie in my degree in the physical sciences. I have studied modern physics, and minored in astronomy. “Kinetic” is fiction, but based on easy to follow real science.

Good bio! You've done a good job of showing that you know what you're talking about on the science end, but that you are also a writer at heart.

As I said, get more emotion into this. Maybe tell us about the other three kinetics and the team (briefly). Tell us more about who Alex is without giving us a DSM diagnosis.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

Māyaspace programmer Kal Jibrān tolerates boring errands in a meaningless job only to keep his best friend Jan in intensive care and away from the hands of the Jumpala corporation. The paraplegic CEO Are Jan and the CEO the same person? Unclear. presses him to rent out the comatose body like a Jumpee I don't kmow what this means but Kal keeps finding excuses. A clue to Jan’s revival exists in a Mahābhārata simulation and playing out every scenario needs time. I don't know what this means, either. You're making a lot of presumptions about known world building elements that an agent picking up this query won't have.

High Priest Yūdi Manu is running for President of Greater India and powerful corporations like Jumpala and Māyastudio support him. The High Priest heads the Manu Foundation, an organisation of monks established to restore equality to all humans in the era of augmented superpowers. Like what? And who has them? How is this connected to Jan and Kal? Cultural unification is the first step and Māyastudio assists by programming a standard Manu version of the Mahābhārata I don't know what this means for the whole of South-East Asia. If Yūdi wins the election, his trained monks could take their pogrom against the mechanically augmented Yakṣas to an extreme, forced lobotomy. I don't know what Yaksas are, or how any of this ties to the first paragraph.

A million rupees might buy Jan a few months but Kal needs to work hard missing "for?" the money. He is even willing to deal Purple I don't know what this means and meets his first customer, a rich heiress and a freelance Jumpee, Crystal Barron. If Jumpees overdose on Purple, they turn into schizophrenic Pretas, destitutes anyone can jump into. Again, lots of world building goes into this sentence, and I don't know what most of these words mean, which makes it incomprehensible. Their only hope is the Yakṣa leader Yāḷi who could whisk them away to Pāṭāla, a secret hospice. Too many character names for a query. Indulging Crystal by jumping into her, Kal is stuck in an unfortunate incident, where a mob of monks lynches a Jumpee and seizes two Yakṣas. He takes the easy way out and enlists as a monk. Why would this be the easy way? Again, so many world building elements need to be assumed in order for this query to make any sense. With his programming skills, he exposes an attempt to rescue the Yakṣas. The reward of a billion rupees for Yāḷi’s capture could be the answer to Kal’s problems.

When the attempt is successful and the Yakṣas escape, Yūdi turns against Kal. The High Priest even coaxes a bounty out of Māyastudio, making Kal the most wanted man in Greater India. With Crystal’s help, he takes refuge in Pāṭāla, but Kal’s heart sinks when he discovers the secret of Yāḷi’s death, a fact hidden from the outside world to keep Preta hopes alive.

An attempt to free Jan goes awry and Kal is trapped inside a paraplegic body. Adding to his woes, Yūdi and his allies locate Pāṭāla and lay siege. The Pretas and the Yakṣas face imminent capture and a life of bonded slavery. In an audacious plan, Kal sacrifices his eyes and limbs to become a Yakṣa. He assumes Yāḷi’s role and hacks into a billion Māyaspaces. Kal ensures that Yūdi becomes the president of Greater India, but contingent on establishing three Jump laws that protect the Pretas.

The last two paragraphs solidify what I suspected - this reads like a synopsis, not a query. You are outlining the story while also not explaining any of your world-building terms, which isn't what a query is supposed to do. You need to boil this down to the imperatives - who is the main character? What do they want? What is the conflict that is preventing them from getting that? Anything else is trimming. Queries should be about 300 words. You're near 450 before I even get to your title, word count, and bio.

2074: MAYA BAZAAR is an adult science fiction novel with series potential. Written in multiple points of view, Snowcrash meets the Mahabharata in a 108,000-word cyberpunk dystopia The word count is bloated. You'll need to get under 100k as a debut that will appeal to the fans of Neal Stephenson, William Gibson and Richard Morgan.

I co-founded India's premier AI consulting firm and teach at the National University of Singapore. Exposure to data science helps me with imagining technologies that could power the world in 2074.

Your bio is good and shows that you know what you are talking about - unfortunately, no one else does. You're clearly qualified to write the book, however b/c of the complete immersion drop into the world, an agent isn't going to understand what's going on in this query, and likely won't read far enough to get to this bio. Think of the query like a movie trailer - you want to intrigue the audience, not summarize the story.