The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

Lacey Barker could start a war and save magic from the grip of the Elonni, celestial beings intent on claiming the realm for their God. Unfortunately I think your hook has too much worldbuilding in it to be truly a hook. I have to untangle it as a read. Instead I need to be wowed by something easy to digest, that makes me want to do that work. But knowing what’s right and who to trust isn’t so easy in a kingdom ruled by fear. This could work as a hook. Simple and digestible, yet interesting

As a human/Elonni mutt, Lacey has been raised in a distant village as a farmgirl. When her godfather arrives and whisks her away to the Elonni capital, her secret past begins to peel away. She is not a farmgirl, but the last living descendant of the royal family which once ruled the realm—monarchs with a bloody history and a deadly power hidden in their bloodline. Echo of the word "blood." Maybe start with this supposed farmgirl who is actually royalty, and don't tease about this power in her blood - what is it?

Nathy Ferrickek has lost enough in the fight against the Elonni. But he’s willing to do one last job: find Lacey Barker and deliver her to the Nine, a group of rebels who have been seeking the lost monarch for three hundred years. If he finds her, he will be paid in revenge—the chance to kill the Elonni who murdered the woman he loved. Is the Elonni he gets to kill in fact, Lacey? Is she the last of the Elonni or only the last of the royal bloodline? It's confusing.

The Nine’s attempts to locate Lacey have alerted the Elonni, okay so she's NOT the last Elonni who intend to bury the so-called royal before she can destroy their grip on the realm. Confused as to why she would want to destroy the Elonni grip? It was inferred that the deadly power in her blood was a bad thing... or a powerful thing that could be used for evil. But if she's the last of the Elonni royal bloodline, why would they want her dead? But when they try to capture Lacey, she manages to escape with Nathy’s help—only to end up in the hands of the Nine, who want to use her as a weapon against the Elonni in a war of their own design.

Stashed away in an old house brimming with secrets of its own, Lacey begins to piece together a past locked away by a potion and a future she isn’t sure she hopes to inherit. These rebels claim she is destined to save magic from the righteous grip of the Elderon—but her powers may be too dangerous to unleash. What's the Elderon? What's going on with the house and the potion?

THE QUEEN OF RUIN is adult fantasy at 136,000 words, with YA crossover potential. It is the first book in a series. Wow, okay. First in a series at 136k? That's not going to fly. Fantasy is hard to break into right now, and you won't get any traction with a manuscript over 100k as a debut. And definitely try to make this a standalone with series potential. The book world has been hard hit lately and this is a tough genre to break into.

Readers who enjoyed THE MORTAL INSTRUMENTS and A DARKER SHADE OF MAGIC will enjoy this modern take on epic fantasy, as well as the humor and heart of the multiple POV cast. Good comp titles, but I'm confused by the use of the word "modern." What makes this a modern fantasy? Nothing above made me see it as anything other than epic fantasy.

I hold a bachelor’s degree in creative writing from Geneva College, where I served as editor-in-chief of the literary magazine. My short story “What She Left Behind” appears in Betty Bites Back: Stories to Scare the Patriarchy. This is my first novel. Good bio! Don't worry about stating it's your first novel. But hooray for Betty Bites Back!!!

Right now your query is suffering from what a lot of fantasy queries struggle with. Too much world building jammed in here without letting the story show. You can see from my questions above that I don't understand why certain characters want what they want, or see others as a threat. This needs to be simplified in terms of worldbuilding, and clarified in terms of story.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

I am seeking representation for my novel, Missing Connections. It is a contemporary romantic comedy and is 45,000 words long. First off, I think it's more impactful to hit the agent with your hook, if you've got a good one. Tell the something they don't know. Every single query letter is from someone seeking representation. They know that. Wow them with something else. Seconly, your word count isn't long enough. Even if this is YA, it needs to be at least 55-60k.

(This is where I write some sort of a connection I have to the agent like if they represent some of my favorite authors then I mention it in this paragraph! Depends on the agent though, sometimes I don't include this...) I recently read and reviewed 'Red, White & Royal Blue' for the Santa Barbara Independent newspaper. I absolutely adored the novel and as soon as I turned that last page, I searched to find out who represents my new favorite author, Casey McQuiston! I truly feel that the comedy and romance in my novel resembles her work. (You can find the published article here: https://www.independent.com/2020/04/16/red-white-royal-blue/ This is good, but it almost feels like currying favor. I wouldn't include. Get to your book!

Missing Connections offers a hopeless romantic’s take on love and her yearning for a storybook ending. Definitely need to beef up this hook. This describes any love story, ever. Is your main character a tone-deaf piano tuner? That's interesting! I know she's not, but- see what I mean? What makes your story different from every other romantic one out there? The novel’s narrator, Amanda, is a teenage writer who draws her love stories from the real world and reimagines them through her successful online blog. She explores the stories of six different young couples in various places (Singapore, Santa Barbara, New York and more!) as they meet through chance encounters.

While Amanda is writing about other people finding love through chance encounters, You want to avoid using the same words and phrases more than once. If you do it in a 350 word query, how much does it happen in the manuscript?>/span> she’s lusting for love like the ones she dreams about. The characters she writes about come from diverse backgrounds, and find each other in unusual settings. From near-miss-car-crashes to an audience member and a musician making eye contact at a Broadway show, this novel develops unique perspectives on young adults as they find the “one”. The stories she imagines reflect her desire to see people come together, while the alternating chapters trace her own love story gradually building to an exciting romantic conclusion in which she finds the closure she has been imagining for others. Okay, but you spent more time talking about ficitonal characters within the novel than you did on your narrator. The main story is about Amanda... not Amanda's stories. They only illuminate her wishes and dreams. The focus of this query needs to be on Amanda, not on her fiction.

I am 17 years old and a high school junior currently living in southern California. As a young girl growing up in southeast Asia, I traveled frequently. Through this experience, I discovered my love of storytelling and connecting with people from diverse perspectives and backgrounds. I am a freelance writer and book reviewer at the Santa Barbara Independent (#1 Newspaper in Santa Barbara). I am also studying playwriting in a workshop at the local Equity theater now and taking a screenwriting class at the SB city college. This is a great bio for someone without fictional publishing credits. You are putting yourself forward in a professional manner and pointing to your accomplishments while also being honest about your age.

I have dedicated the past two years to writing Missing Connections because I know what YA readers love, and I believe this is it! A beach read with emotional tugs on the heart and comedy laced throughout, this is a novel for anyone who can relate to how teens who read first imagine, and then experience, love! I don't know that this is necessary. It adds a nice way to sign-off, but it's also not doing a lot of work Right now there are more words in this query dedicated to you than there are to the novel. Refocus to make Amanda and her story stand out.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

‘Her love is real. She isn’t.’ Love the tag line. It works great as a hook as well, but eliminate the quotes.

To the untrained eye, Arieanna is just an ordinary woman, but she is the product of an advanced computer and complex 4D printers; the world’s first ‘perfect’ android, complete with human thoughts and emotions. Kind of a long sentence, I would split after "woman." Her purpose? To be whatever the humans want or need her to be. A personal assistant, a friend to the elderly, a spokesperson for women’s rights. Or... a sex bot? Sorry, but that's immediately where my mind went. If it's part of her possible job descriptions, I'd say so here. She is the only person on Earth who is completely adaptable to do any job. But there’s one flaw in her design. Where babies have years to adjust to their emotions and learn to control them, Arieanna has weeks. Some clarification here - meaning like, weeks from the time when she's been switched on? Or weeks to adpat to each job? When she experiences heartbreak for the first time and subsequently attacks Ashur, the very man who created her, she has no choice but to escape - or face being switched off. Is she in love with Ashur? I think so, but it's slighlty ambiguous so maybe clarify.

To the outside world, she’s a dangerous, malfunctioning machine. Everyone seems to want to do anything to catch her – and all Arieanna wants is to just live in peace. Awkward sentence construction here. Also - clarify - is there a reward for her capture, dead or alive? Or a warning about her being dangerous? Things seem bleak until she meets Catelynn, a spunky eleven-year-old, and her bad-tempered father Liam. They seem like the last people she should trust, especially since Liam seems to be involved in some dubious wheelings and dealings. But, after some coaxing from Catelynn, he’s also the only one willing to help her. You used variations of "seem" three times in this para. That's called an echo, and you'll want to eliminate those.

When they realise they are being followed by one of Ashur’s hitmen, she quickly learns that Ashur will stop at nothing to destroy her, and everything she has grown to care for. Why? What is Ashur's motivation to kill her? Now, Arieanna must decide if her found friendship is worth sacrificing her freedom for, and she must discover what her true purpose really is. Slightly confusing - isn't the friendship and the freedom the same side of the coin?

HUMAN INSTINCT (90,000 words) is an accessible adult sci-fi set in the near future. It could be described as Machines Like Me or Ex Machina with the feel of a Tom Clancy novel. Hmm... not sure of the Tom Clancy comparison. His novels tend to be realy male driven and tech-heavy. But otherwise I like the comp titles.