The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

To stop a corrupt queen from invading his kingdom, Keil of Istria must find a fearless girl willing to ride the most belligerent dragon in a race that will decide the fate of his homeland. This feels like a lot up front. I don't understand why a race decides things, and why Keil isn't riding the dragon himself Because in the fae realm, clashes are settled by dragon race, and the fiercest dragon is often victorious. However, such a beast cannot be raced by merely anyone. When Keil sets his sights on a Seattle teen aiming for a career as a BMX racer, Why wouldn't he look for a fae to ride a dragon? Why would he search for someone in the human world? he doesn’t expect to have to protect her from life-threatening attacks by wild fae under the queen’s spell. But why not? Wouldn't he expect the queen to do something to defend herself, of play a game? Fae are tricky by nature, and if he is one, why is he surprised? Nor does he expect to fall for her. The stronger his feelings for her grow, the more he questions his mission. Why would his growing feelings make him question his mission?

In a world where humans and fae live side by side, Skylar Thomson must choose between appeasing her driven coach or dating the charming fae who comes to her races. She knows he’s a distraction, but for once, she’s willing to take a chance off the track. Yet when she’s kicked off the team, she struggles to find a way to achieve her racing dream. I almost feel like you should be starting with Skylar rather than with Keil, becuase here is where we learn that the human and fae live side by side. Also, why is she kicked off the team? For being distracted? Because he's a fae? What are the relationships like between the species?

By the time Skylar discovers Keil has been keeping secrets, What's his secret? A query isn't the place to tease she has a target on her back, and time is running out for his kingdom. But he refuses to let her risk her life—he’ll find another way to save Istria. When the queen kidnaps him and poisons the wild fae in his land, What do they have to do with anything? an angry Skylar knows what she must do. But racing a bike is nothing compared to racing a dragon.

HER STERLING FAE is a stand-alone novel with series potential that will appeal to fans of Rachel Morgan’s Creepy Hollow series and Sarah K.L. Wilson’s Dragon School series, and readers who enjoy stories about ordinary girls who accomplish the extraordinary.

I am a freelance web designer with a master’s in Environmental Science and a love for Pomeranians and Manta comics.

Good comp titles! Overall, I think you've got all the pieces, but they aren't in the right places. We need to understand from the beginning that fae and human share a world, what the relationship between the two is, why Keil would seek a human to do this job, and what the secret he is keeping actually is. The threads are all here, but they're not joined together in the braid that you want from a query.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Sam has always been able to see auras shimmering like silver stardust under people’s skin, though she does her best to ignore the headache-inducing emotions they whisper into her mind and the blurry people who brush past her on sidewalks. Decent hook, but break the thoughts up a little. Right now you have one sentence, and we don't know if all people are blurry, or just certain ones. If she ignores everyone then she's a pretty introverted person. Give a little more space here to explain.

When two of Sam’s hallucinations Confused. he can see aura on real people, right? Real people are not hallucinations, which the next sentence does explain somewhat, but I think there needs to be clarification here. realise that she can see them, they reveal that they are Elementals: people from a parallel world who can manipulate one of the five natural elements (earth, air, fire, water and anima, or life force). Sam is one of the rare humans So are the Elementals human? able to wield anima, making her the first Animator since an atrocity left every Animator dead and the surviving Elementals unable to have children 200 years ago. But... these two are still around? So they're not human? With proper training, she’ll have the power to create and nurture life, revitalising the Elemental world. You'll need to be more clear about why an Animator is needed to create life. Obviouly their reproductive process is different from ours.

Lured by the promise of learning to control her debilitating headaches, Sam enters the Elemental world. But when she discovers that Animators still exist in hiding and that an imprisoned god hunted down Animators to exact revenge for his banishment, two things become crystal clear: the surviving Animators intend to use Sam to lure out the god’s spies, and they’re willing to let her die in the process. How did this god do anything if he's imprisoned? And why are the Animators in hiding? Don't they know that they are imperiling their own race by doing so? Why would Sam be bait? What about her is special, if she's not the only Animator left?

In a desperate bid to make it home alive, Sam forms an alliance with an ambitious man from a notoriously mercenary branch of Elementals. As her abilities become harder to hide, who is she hiding them from? Doesn't everyone know? Sam must master her element to save herself and the people she’s come to love from the god who would kill them all.

THE SACRIFICIAL ANIMATOR is a 113,000-word fantasy novel which will appeal to readers who enjoy Melissa Caruso’s character-driven SWORDS AND FIRE trilogy and fantasy worlds that intersect with ours (as in Alix E. Harrow’s THE TEN THOUSAND DOORS OF JANUARY). Good comp titles, but you define this as character-driven, when really I don't know anything about Sam's character other than that she gets headaches. If this is character driven, you need to get her character injected into the query.

I am a half-French, half-Japanese American currently living in Berlin, where I work as a finance lawyer. I studied law at the University of Cambridge and can be found hiking or planning my next novel when I’m not at work.

Overall, I'm just confused about what role the Animators play, why the god is a threat if he's banished, why the Animators are in hiding, why Sam would be the bait, etc... Everything I mentioned above. This sounds interesting, but right now it feels like a lot of disparate elements that aren't tied together cohesively.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

When her sister becomes possessed by the ghost of a powerful witch, Luna is forced to become the strong twin and find a way to save Aurora before she is consumed completely (to eliminate "witch" echo.) the witch consumes her completely. Overall, good hook!

Thirteen-year-old twins Luna and Aurora are as different as night and day, but have always shared a special bond. Now Luna fears they are growing apart, with different interests and friendship groups. When they travel with their mother to remote Orkney to bury their grandmother and clear out her little cottage overlooking Eynhallow Sound, Luna is sad, but relieved to have her sister all to herself again. Good setup, but clarify - why is Luna sad? The death of her grandmother? The growing divide between the sisters? Both? Clarity would be good. Also, you infer that Luna is the "weaker" of the two, so maybe illustrate that here. Do you mean she's less popular? Not as assertive? How is she the "weaker" of the two?

However, Luna soon becomes aware of something that threatens to take her sister away from her forever. Aurora, who has never feared anything, is haunted by owls and tormented by frightening dreams. She seems to have acquired some magical power, able to weave her fingers and call up a violent storm. Aurora is terrified and extremely unwell How? Mentally? Physically? Emotionally? and Luna realises their roles have become reversed, and she must be the one to comfort and protect her twin. She discovers their grandmother accidently disturbed an ancient stone, releasing the ghost of a powerful weather witch who is determined to take over her sister’s life-force so she can come back into the world.

Every day the witch grows stronger and Rory I would just stick to her full name. I had to wonder who Rory was for a second fades. With the guidance of the last few witches left in Orkney, who use their powers to protect and nurture the land and its heritage, Luna searches for the identity of the ancient witch, and the secrets of her binding, so she can try to replicate it. I don't know what this means, or why she would want to replicate something that sounds bad / dangerous But time is running out, the witch is wary and will not fall for the same trick twice. This infers that she's fallen for something before. From someone else? From Luna? She lashes out with power, anger and a thirst for revenge, creating ferocious storms and floods which injure the girls’ mother and put the whole community in danger. When every other possibility has been exhausted, Luna must find the courage to look in the mirror which was the object of binding, and connect with the witch’s memories, even though she may not be able to pull free again and the witch might come for her as well.

THE WITCH OF EYNHALLOW SOUND is a Middle Grade Paranormal Fantasy set in Orkney, complete at 30,000 words, which should appeal to readers who enjoyed the sinister darkness of The Night Gardener, the ghostly presences in The Forgotten Girl and the lyrical magical setting of The Storm Keeper’s Island.

I have published a number of literary travel articles, mainly in Good Reading Magazine (Australia), about visiting the places that inspired my favourite authors.

Good comp titles and bio. I feel like your word count might be a touch light for a fantastical MG that will need worldbuilding. Reference: http://literaticat.blogspot.com/2011/05/wordcount-dracula.html I don't know that it will kill you in the query process, but it made me question whether the story, setting, and characters are fully fleshed out.