The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

When 13-year-old Morgan Lane, gifted with a superhuman memory, inherits an ancient, mystical chronometer he owns more than world’s most accurate timepiece. It’s a time machine that can transport him to versions of Earth that exist in timelines before and after our own planet. This got a little stick for me in terms of what that actually means - so he can time travel, but it's also alternate universes? I'd try using that phrasing instead, as I had to sort this one out. But, of course, it’s more than that. It bestows on Morgan another special gift.

Suddenly implanted into Morgan’s mind is a memory and a magical spell forgotten by Princess Leila, a prisoner in Doomguard on a different version of Earth; a spell that, if she could just remember it, will save her life and the world she lives in, one in which dinosaurs and apes have evolved into intelligent, non-human, beings. I don't really understand why the chronometer would not only travel through time in alternate dimensions, and ALSO have a very specific person's memory/spell infused in it. In literally all the times in all the possible worlds, it's got Leila's well being in mind?

Together with Lin Rainbow, his sassy adopted sister from Trinidad who possesses an enchanted amulet, What does the amulet do? What's the power it bestows? Morgan finds himself on an Earth with two moons, where evolved saurians and sapiens are close to war over a precious resource - water. Is this Doomguard, Leila's home? I'd put this paragraph in front of the one before it, identify the dinosaurs and apes here, rather than the above para. Then, illustrate that Morgan has picked up Leila's memory and they need to save her. It will eliminate some of the wording in the para above, which is a bit weighty and convoluted.

Morgan and Lin must save Leila, the way this is written it sounds like the save her first, then do these other things cross the deadly Fleshwarp swamp, find their way through the nightmarish tunnels of Droth and the Soundless Plain to the Forest of Gloom. They face dangers from renegade creatures, mechanical animoids, aerial dragons and slither snakes before reaching the fortress of Doomguard, then rescuing Leila and returning her spell.

But it is just five days till Leila’s execution.

I seek representation for my 42k, middle-grade SF/fantasy Earthscape (first of proposed Timeline Chronicles). It would appeal to young readers of ‘A Wrinkle In Time’, ‘Brightstorm’ and ‘Fablehaven’.

I have been published by HarperCollins and Orion and self-published adult and children’s fiction. I have been long listed for several awards including the Page Turner awards. Great bio!

Overall I think you're in pretty good shape, although I would streamline by changing the order of those two main body paragraphs, giving you space to whittle down the overburdened one.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I read on your Publisher's Marketplace website that you are seeking YA and fantasy submissions. I am seeking representation for my YA fantasy novel, WITCH PATROL. It’s a romantic fantasy with a word count of 68,8944. Given your interest in YA fantasy, I hope it might be a good fit for you. The book is the first in a series. Good job personalizing with the PW shoutout, but I encourage authors to put title, word count, etc., at the bottom. Everyone has those - start with what only you have - your hook. Also, round that word count up to 70k. And - I'm sure you've probably heard this - but you're better suited to have a stand alone with series potential than trying to pitch a series, especially in YA fantasy, which is an overcrowded genre and age category at the moment.

Teenage girl Gwenn Cosmis is a witch who saved humans from the demons accidentally conjured by their selfish desires. "saved" or "saves?" The past tense removes any sense of tension She lives with her dad, James. James spends most of his time looking for Gwenn’s mother, Athena, another witch who also helped humans as Gwenn did. Again the past tense isn't doing you any favors Before James leaves to track down a possible lead on Athena’s disappearance, he asks his daughter to check out some demonic activity. While inspecting a portal that a demon has come through, she meets supernatural beings Scorpius Raven, the creator of the Witch Patrol, and Rebecca Rodin, a member of the Witch Patrol with an ability to track demons.

Right now this is reading more like a synopsis than a query. You're doing a step by step through the plot, rather than giving an overview of the concept. For example, everything above could be collapsed into a statement that Gwenn has a supernatural role that she's stepped into after her mother disappeared (obviously I'm guessing at that detail, but you get the picture). When her dad leaves to track down mom, Gwinn stumbles across a portal and meets these people. You're spending too much time feeding details and not getting the bigger picture across.

James doesn’t call Gwenn later that night to let her know he’s okay, a tradition that Gwenn has come to depend on. Now, she assumes the worst and must ask Scorpius for the Witch Patrol’s help to find her parents. What is Scorpius like? What does Gwinn think of him and Rebecca? Are the a threat? A friend? Unsure?

Having been brought up by James believing she and Athena were the only supernatural beings, Are witches supernatural beings? Or are they humans with paranormal talents and abilities? Gwenn must now come to terms with the fact that there are others like her. How does she feel about that? Some of them hide in another realm, kidnapping teenage girls in London while waiting for their return to power. Why would they do this? What's the point? Is Gwinn in danger? Sirius Raven, Scorpius' twin brother, asks the Witch Patrol to investigate the kidnappings. Is Gwinn involved in this? What is she doing? She's the main character but it doesn't seem like she's actually doing anything While doing so, Gwenn meets the first supernatural being who needs her help to destroy the evil.What's that being? What evil? Rightfully called The First,The first? Of what? she also believes that the kidnapper is holding Athena hostage.

WITCH PATROL will appeal to readers of a Wicked Magic by Sasha Laurens and When We Were Magic by Sarah Gailey.

You definitely need to bring all of this together into a more cohesive whole. Dad kind of falls off the page, and I don't have a clear idea of what Gwinn's "job" is, why teenage girls (plus her mom) are being kidnapped, and what "the evil's" goal is. We need a clear statement of what our MC needs / wants (her mom?) what the obstacle is, and how she's going to overcome it. Right now this is a pretty vague - there are bad guys, and good guys, and Gwinn is special. That could be any fantasy YA, ever.

I have an Associate’s Degree in Writing. In 2020, 45 Women’s Magazine Literary Journal published one of my poems. In 2020, Witch Patrol was accepted for the Independent Storyteller Program on the Tales Creator website. I'm also an artist, frequently drawing my characters. My Deviant Art account has over 1,000 page views, and is the best website to see all of my pictures.

The bio is good, but I wouldn't bother with the Deviant Art mention. It's cool, but likely you aren't going to be providing your own illustrations or cover art, so it's not worth the mention.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

A new Bringer and her Unburdened must break all the rules to save the kings of two dimensions and stop a generations-old curse. Typically you want a hook to grab your reader - any reader. The agent reading this doesn't know what a Bringer or an Unburdened is, so this really doesn't mean anything to them. It only means something to a person who is already acquianted with the world.

Princess Bria and Tievel are the dream team. She’s the Bringer, the one who ushers human souls to her realm of Vernichtung; same situation, we don't know what Vernichtung is, so that doesn't mean anything to us he’s the Unburdened, the one who creates the portal to the human dimension and ensures that everything goes off without a hitch.You're doing a good job of getting the explanation of what they do in here, but it needs to be more succint and the query should have swung over to plot by this point Bria’s down-to-earth but naïve nature pairs perfectly with the humorous and charismatic Tievel. They take to Bringing souls and signing off on Death certificates like wine pairs with cheese (or more wine).Nice quick character sketches, and a flash of humor - shows the (I assume) voice the book

Yet not everything is right in Vernichtung. A Bringer dies prematurely, something completely unheard of in their land. Bria is suspicious something is amiss, but when her father falls ill with similar symptoms, she has a sense of déjà vu. She’s read these exact events in one of her human fantasy books. But what she thought to be fantasy might hold more weight than she ever could have imagined. This might be a little in the weeds, for a query, plot wise. You could cut this and the next para is still doing the work of getting the plot across.

They learn the royal family of Vernichtung has been cursed, linking them to the fate of those in the human world. The royal family? Like the real, contemproary one? It’s up to Bria and Tievel to break it. Why? With her father's life on the line, she and Tievel will break all the rules: meet with a secret society, infiltrate a royal court in another dimension, and befriend a member of the usually unseen Green Guard. This is a new term. I don't know who they are or what this means, or why it's wrong. They quickly make allies wherever they go, but not everyone is what they seem. When people’s true colors begin to show, Bria and Tievel must do what they have to in order to save Bria’s father, punish the wicked, and maintain the balance. We need more info than "doing what they have to do. I can see what's at stake, but what are the obstacles, a little more specifically? Who are the bad guys?

I saw you represented [book]and hope you will find interest in my YA fantasy novel THE UNBURDENED complete at 72,000 words. It is a standalone novel with series potential.It blends the vibes and archetypes of Jennifer Armentrout’s The Harbinger series with a little playfulness similar to F.C. Yee’s The Epic Crush of Genie Lo series. Nice, good stats info and comp title para.

In my alternate life, I work as a systems analyst.

Likes: reading, the beach, curling up for a movie or video game marathon with my husband and 3 dogs, general silliness. Dislikes: People who take themselves too seriously, writing the dreaded book synopsis (but I have one if you want it).Lol - okay. I don't know that writing a bio like a dating profile is a good idea, but the last line is pretty damn funny.

Looking for the Tievel to my Bria. Thank you for your consideration.Once again, this is still a reference that means more to you than to them, so I'd cut.

Overall, not in bad shape. You need a better hook that isn't relying on familiarity with the content in order to pack a punch. The worldbuilding needs a few more details for clarity, while pulling back a little bit on that to make more room for plot. Also, if there is a romance between the two MC's, that should be mentioned.