The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

When Hurango, a young aspiring pianist, morphs into a gorilla, a team of humanoids tranquilizes him. The government of Texan America stamps him with ‘animan disease,’ wipes his memories, and ships him to an internment camp for ‘animans’—to use in medical and military experiments. Interesting, and I'd keep reading, but I think we need a little indication of how normal / not normal this is. The use of the word humanoids makes it seem like this is a common enough occurrence that there are teams of them. But also, why would a team of his own kind attack him?

Hurango fills the memory hole Why would he lose his memory? What does that have to do with becoming a gorilla? with new memories, especially those of Manika’s, a girl with visions swirling around her, but worries about protecting his newfound memories eat him up daily. As part of a gladiator team to entertain better-armed humans, Hurango learns ancient war strategies in secret and dreams of new ones. Not understanding the memory element at all. Why would he lose his? How can he participate in Manika's visions? Why does she have them? And what does the gladiator element and battle tactics have to do with anything?

A betrayal leads to his exile in the Arctic Archipelago, where death prowls under the guise of military experiments, and a ‘you could die any moment’ psyche reigns all over. Separated from Manika and believing his memories are compromised again, Hurango chases after bombs. Who betrayed him? Why? And why are the memories such a big deal? Is he trying to hold on to his humanity? Why are memories the crux? What do bombs have to do with anything? Does he have death wish?

When the responsibility of safeguarding the future of Earth’s farming and saving animans from the death sentence is thrust upon him, his gorilla shoulders wobble. I have no idea what this means. Why would this become his duty, and what does it actually mean? Why would a gorilla be put in charge of saving farming, and what does that entail? What does it have to do with the plot? Hurango struggles to harness the best of animans’ dual nature—animal instincts paired with human ingenuity—to win the war without fighting. What war? I don't know who the bad guys are, or what the goal is.

ANIMAN is a speculative fiction novel complete at 98,000-word. It will appeal to the fans of Oryx and Crake by Margaret Atwood, Sweet Tooth by Jeff Lemire, and The Animal Kingdom screenplay by Cailley and Munier.

Knowing your interest in speculative fiction, I hope you will represent ANIMAN. It’s a standalone book, with potential for future stories set within the same world.

I’m based in Nevada and work in technology field. Animals fascinate me, and reevaluating the dynamics between humans and animals, inspired me to write this novel.

Right now this isn't doing a great job of portraying the main elements of what a query needs to do -- what does the main character want? What is standing in the way? How are they going to overcome those obstacles? The heavy reliance on memories doesn't make any sense within the query, b/c I didn't realize he'd lost them, and I also don't understand the critical importance of keeping them. The world building is murky - I don't understand who is fighting who, or why. Overall, you need to get the basic plot injected here, as well as a greater understanding of the world. Right now this is reading more like you are hitting hard on themes, but I'm also not really clear on what those themes are.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I am seeking representation for Can’t You Sea?, an adult dark romance fantasy complete at 106,000 words, and first of a planned series, but can standalone if needed. Your word count is high, even for fantasy. Try to get it below 100k, and simply call it a standalone with series potential Can’t You Sea?, combines romance born from mutual distrust and dark intentions, similar to Daughter Of No Worlds, and blends of action-packed sequences with moments of emotional intensity, like TV show Motherland: Forth Salem. I would personally put the comp titles at the end. I also would mention the author's name of Daughter of No Worlds. Admittedly, I don't know this genre well, so it might be a well-known title, but I'd include the author

Determined to get justice for her father, who died in an orchestrated terrorist attack, 21-year-old Aelita Saar inducts into her realms realm's war college to become a sky rider. The phrase terrorist attack immediately makes me think of modern day, but then that's clearly not what's going on. Also what is a skyrider? This could be a person who pilots a spaceship or rides a dragon, so it needs clarified. Little does she know, a nightmare, a song, and a handful of honey cakes would make her the perfect cherry on top of the new alliance made with her neighboring realm and war college, Sirentyr. I have no idea what this means.

When her mission to become a sky rider crumbles, and a cutthroat ranking system after her involuntary transfer is enforced, no idea what this means, either Aelita must survive the bloodbath to earn a spot amongst an elite kingsguard of water wielding soldiers, who use song and sea siphons, to amplify their power. Also known as streamers. Not a full sentence, and isn't needed As if the trials to see the next sunrise weren’t hard enough, let’s sprinkle a huge target on her back because everyone thinks she’s a spy, an eye crossing curriculum, and worst of all, Seymour Creed. So she's fighting for her life, but still going to classes?

Seymour Creed is Sirentyr’s most formidable and merciless chieftain, and despite their common war enemy, he doesn’t trust a single breath from Aelita’s lungs. As a loyal soldier to the crown, he’s dead set on killing her off from his unit. But with her sharp tongue, rebellious attitude, and voice made from heaven, he can’t help but find himself…intrigued. I'm not clear on who the shared enemy is, what a skyrider is, why she's thought to be a spy, or what war college is, for that matter.

I run an online thrift shop I started back in 2020 to feed my ever-growing love for vintage clothing. When I’m not daydreaming about books, buried in a book, or sitting still long enough to write a book, I’m enjoying life with my fur baby Montii, and packing orders.

If you don't have any publishing credits and your current job isn't related to the material (it's not), I'd instead focus on how much you read, and establish that you know the genre, market, and tropes well.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I am thrilled to present “I am Online,” my debut novel that chronicles the unexpected rise of Sebas, an eighteen-year-old who inadvertently becomes an erotic webcam sensation. This narrative explores his journey of self-discovery, the complexities of human relationships, and the dichotomy between virtual fame and real-world anonymity. Not bad. Normally I tell people to start with their hook, but this is a good summation para, and I think it can stand.

Thirty-eight euros in his pocket, all his life savings, are you saying the euros are all his life savings, or he has that in addition to? It could be read either way. I would suggest cutting the phrase all his life savings and changing the following everything to all was everything Sebas had on him when he stepped out of the last night train at Barcelona’s central station. Probably Sebas should have planned his home runaway better. I don't think the phrase home runaway makes sense But he didn’t. He just could not stand his oppressive home life anymore. Why was it oppressive, what is he escaping? The city, poised to swallow him whole, instead becomes the backdrop for his meteoric rise in the adult industry. As the number of his webcam followers grows into the thousands, Sebas grapples with the stark contrast between his online celebrity and his offline struggles. What does this mean? You said as much in the intro paragraph, but this is a vague statement that covers the theme, but not the plot “I am Online” weaves through genres, I would definitely find a genre to allocate this to. Saying it weaves through genres isn't the best move one could say this novel is for “Fifty shades of Grey” what “Pose” is to “Sex and the City”: a kinky story narrated by those whose kinkiness is not mainstream or often understood. But by being designated as a kink at all, isn't it inferred that it's not mainstream? And what is the kink? An agent is going to want to know what the webcam is for, specifically, and what Sebas is doing It is the antithesis of “Heartstopper,” away from gay-mimicking-straight relationships in a sugar-coated plot,This is reading as criticsm of other books / authors, which you definitely don't want to do within a query I don’t hold back: Don't refer to yourself within the query Sebas goes through a lot like what? You should be talking about the plot, not using vague language and he gets to see the cruelty of human nature and how relationships are often driven by desire and selfishness rather than by love and feelings. Set in the year 2014, this tale also serves as a modern coming-out story, far away from those early-00 cheesy stories, Again, knocking other books / authors won't win you any points this one reflects a contemporary time when the lines between hetero and homo are more blurred than ever. My own experiences as an LGBTQ individual growing up in Barcelona and living across the globe have deeply influenced this work, infusing it with authenticity and a unique perspective. So far, only few friends have read “I am Online”. Feedback is diverse: “the world is a very f*** up place”, “I am ashamed to admit I wish I had been Sebas” or “this story will make readers disgusted and horny at the same time”. But maybe the best one was “it’s hilarious, it reads itself”. Feedback from friends isn't worth mentioning in a query. Also you reference earlier that you don't hold back, but then you censor the work fucked in the query? I have chosen to query you because your reputation for championing bold, boundary-pushing literature aligns perfectly with the essence of “I am Online.” I believe this novel not only entertains but also opens a dialogue about the evolving landscape of sexuality and identity.

So I'm left going... and what's it about? A query needs to convey these things - what does the main character want? What is stopping them from getting it? How will they overcome the obstacles? This doesn't do any of that - it just says it's about kink and webcams, and the complexity of human relationships (without mentioning any other characters in the story at all). Just saying your MC goes through a lot isn't going to cut it. Everyone's MC goes through a lot - that's a narrative. You need to be much more specific about the plot, get rid of the vague qualities. Don't bash other books / writers, and remove commentary from friends.