The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I am writing to seek representation for my 125,000- word epic fantasy novel, Photomancer. It follows two young men hosting ancient spirits, one destined to save the world, the other to break it- and both of them in love with each other in a world where such things are punishable by death. You might think of it as N.K. Jemisin’s The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms meets Book of the Ancestor by Mark Lawrence. This is a great intro. The only tweak I have is that there is an echo with the word world that needs addressed. Your word count is a bit high, if you're able to trim it, that won't hurt you, although there is wiggle room for world building with fantasy.

Yoon is a thriving world. Magic is a rare, useful, dangerous gift that leaves physical scars on its users unless they belong to the Thyman Church. Thyme is Yoon’s superpower, I don't know what this means. What is thyme? And can a world have a superpower? with a bustling economy and an impeccable military- but with a Church that beheads anyone who doesn’t think like them and burns anyone with Scars.

Kohnui is chosen against his wish to train at the Thyman Conservatory of magic- as is Cameron, son of the richest noble in the land. But Kohnui is hiding a terrible secret, and he must constantly battle his attraction to Cameron while struggling to hide his Scar during his training at a school full of the very people that would kill him if he were ever discovered. Yet Cameron has his own secrets and his own past, as Kohnui will soon discover; and their seemingly insignificant struggles might be the turning point in a heavenly war going back thousands of years, with the fate of both the heavens and Yoon hanging in the balance. I don't really know what that means. You need to be more clear about the plot, and what the conflict is. Right now we've got secrets and unrequited / star-crossed love, but that's a story that's been told a million times. What's different about yours? What about those ancient spirits? Why does the fate of the entire world hang on these two?

Photomancer is my first full-length novel, but I have published several short stories in local magazines and anthologies, including one which won the CREPLA award (a regional sub-Saharan African prize). I have worked as a junior editor for faculty magazines.

I understand you are always on the lookout for fresh talent, and I would be thrilled to count myself among the ranks of your clients. I gather you enjoy fantasy with strong voices and character-driven stories that shed a spotlight on Latinx and other underrepresented groups, and I think this is something in my work that would particularly appeal to you. Thank you very much for your consideration.

Overall, nicely done with a good bio. You just need to get more plot in there, as the big points you're hitting (unrequited love, star-crossed love, secrets, magic school, etc) have all been done before. Get more of what makes this story distinct - particulary the plot - into the query.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I am seeking representation for my literary work, KISMETROPOLITAN. I believe we'd be a good match based on your interest in dark and offbeat humor, and narratives propelled by a strong voice. KISMETROPOLITAN is an ~80,000-word novel about fledgling New Yorker Ringo Kismet as he struggles with the paradox of pursuing one’s dreams in a city that never sleeps. I typically tell people to start with their hook, but this flows well and if you are leaning on the personalization to draw an agent in, I can see how this would work. I don't know that the "paradox" of dream vs. sleeping really struck me on the first reading, but when I went back over I had a "I see what you did there" moment. I think it's clever.

The 25-year-old maladaptive daydreamer thought he had scripted his destiny perfectly: flee his New Jersey suburb, start life in the big city, triumph over obstacles, and have at least one makeover montage, all while falling in love with both a soulmate and with the city itself. Good intro. We know what the MC wants and we have a feel for voice.

Feeling claustrophobic on arrival by both his internship and his apartment, Ringo realizes emulating idols like Holly Golightly, Andy Warhol, or Carrie Bradshaw is an impossible feat. The only connection between Breakfast and Tiffany’s were Watch your tenses - you slip between present and past overpriced baguettes. Everyone's 15 minutes of fame were now 15 second TikToks. And while he had plenty of sex (and the city clinic's condoms), no one was big on love. It might be good to clarify more specifically what Ringo wants. Does he want love? Is there a dream job or career? Why emulate these people? What is the goal?

Before becoming more jaded than a Chinatown tchtchocke, Ringo's bright side is stoked upon discovering his grandmother's paperwork from Ellis Island in the floorboards of his apartment,this is a little confusing... he randomly ended up in the same apartment that his grandmother had? Or was this a known, planned thing? along with an old subway token strung on a chain. After donning the talisman, sparks of serendipity lift his spirits: he catches the F Train at any hour, even when it's out of service; he always finds 99¢ Pizza, even at expensive restaurants; and a peculiar pigeon with iridescent plumes manages to swoop to the rescue just before he gets killed by a speeding bus or exploding manhole cover. He begins chronicling these tokens of “kismetropolitan,” growing an audience Where is he chronicling them? Social media? that reinvigorates his quest to be a creature that thrives in this metropolitan menagerie. Before the year is out, he's convinced these fortuities will land him a fulfilling job, an amazing apartment, and a devoted partner. If they don't, he'll face any New Yorkers' greatest defeat: moving back to New Jersey.

KISMETROPOLITAN is an epistolary bricolage with a sprinkling of magical realism. The novel combines journal entries, correspondences and documents from immigration manifests to psychic readings, bound together by the first person narrative and articles the protagonist publishes throughout the story. Okay, so we know what it is he wants, but what is the obstacle? What does he have to overcome to make his dreams come true? It sounds like this talisman is going to make his life hunky-dory, so what goes wrong? What's the plot?

Inspired by surreal-life experiences in New York, I believe I am in the perfect position to publish this story of Zillennial coming-of-rage finding his roots. A professional writer for over a decade, my work has appeared in Interview Magazine, Newsweek, Blackbook, and Hyperallergic. I have won numerous prizes, including a NYFA Grant and a Tisch Scholarship. This past May, I completed a Fiction Fellowship at the CUNY Graduate Center. This will be my debut novel. Great bio, you've definitely set yourself up to gain the attention of an agent.

This is well written and does a good job of getting voice across, but as mentioned, I need to know what goes wrong. Without obstacles, there's no plot, and this ends on a note that suggests everything is just fine now... which isn't interesting to read about.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Ursula is born a witch under the loving tutelage of her Grandmother Altagracia, who is a powerful witch of haske, the magic of good light. Altagracia fiercely battles to keep the girl out of inuwa, the evil magic of darkness, as addictive and destructive as heroin, but under the pernicious influence of Altagracia’s wicked twin sister, Ursula falls—and then rises to become the most powerful and wicked witch in the region, terrorizing its people with unspeakable atrocities. Good set up, but I guess my only question is, what's the goal for Ursula here? Is she a ruler? How does she benefit from using her powers for ill?

When Ursula hears of a prophecy that the daughter of her mortal great-niece, Gabriela, will grow to be the witch who destroys her, Ursula vows to murder all of Gabriela’s daughters as soon as they’re born. Altagracia, once Ursula’s most powerful ally, now becomes her greatest enemy. She is old and weak in the face of Ursula’s unprecedented power, but she is smarter and determined to protect Gabriela’s baby girls, fulfill the prophecy, and rid the region of Ursula’s malignant presence. This is all perfectly fine and reads well, but it's very generic - there's a bad witch, a good witch, a prophecy, and a goal to eliminate the one who will unseat the ruler. That story has been told a million times. What makes yours different?

“The Witches of Ziohoza” is a 97,600-word dark speculative fantasy with elements of horror. It is set in Colombia, South America from 1889 to 1937 this could be what makes it different. This needs to be in the body of the query itself, not buried down here. Incorporate the setting into the query. Right now it reads like high fantasy set in a different world, not like something set in relatively recent history in our own world and narrated entirely by the good and bad women who populate it. It’s a traditional witch story with cats, potions, enchanted cottages, night-dark humor, and the thunder and sparks of hurled spells designed to disembowel. At the end is a surprise twist as tricky as the witches. A query isn't the place to tease. The body of this promises nothing new, and while the setting does draw interest, the plot has to have more than just the generic setup, and a promise of a twist that isn't shared with the agent

I am an American writer, playwright, editor, and copywriter with a BA in English who has, for twenty years, lived in Colombia, not far from where this story is set and where, to this day, witchcraft haunts its people. Great bio Readers who like Alex Grecian’s Red Rabbit, Neil Gaiman’s Ocean at the End of the Lane, and Alexis Henderson’s The Year of the Witching will enjoy this story, as well as those who like their wicked witches particularly nasty. There's nothing here that really tells us that these witches are particulary nasty. If that's the case, show us, don't tell us. Also, considering recent events, you might want to take out Gaiman as a comp.