The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I am contacting you for representation of my YA Romance Fantasy, THE THIRTEEN KINGDOMS, my debut novel. The manuscript is complete at 130,000 words, and can stand alone or become a series. It would appeal to fans of Jennifer L. Armentrout’s FROM BLOOD AND ASH and Holly Black’s THE CRUEL PRINCE. Stating that you're querying them seeking representation isn't necessary, they assume that, as well as that it's your debut. I'd put comp titles, series potential, etc., at the bottom. Right now fantasy is clogged, especially in YA, and the genre is losing heat. Your word count is high, so that's not going to do you any favors. Try to get it down to 100k, at least

THE THIRTEEN KINGDOMS is set in a world vaguely inspired by medieval Europe Also just kind of an assumed, unless you state otherwise.

In the small, suffocating village bordering the 13th kingdom, Myoria leads a life of suppressed rebellion and lingering grief. Years earlier, her father had been falsely accused of treason and executed on orders from the royal court—a betrayal Good so far, but how is it a betrayal? Did he work for the court? that tore her family apart and instilled in her a hardened distrust of authority and a hatred at the society that allows for it. Allows for authority? Most societies allow for some authority. I'd end this sentence after authority Now as she is trying tries to keep her fragile household afloat—her sickly mother, and the devoted best friend who has always been there for her—Myoria dreams of running away, even as her cynicism mutters that freedom will never be in the cards for her. Running away for what, and to where? It sounds like she's keeping her people together through loyalty, but when it's also referred to her lacking freedom, it feels a little murky

But when a long-buried relic—a mystical stone of unimaginable power—is unearthed by a mysterious being, Myoria's world is turned upside down. The stone’s abilities, chief among them the power to control minds, unleash chaos throughout the kingdoms. Worse still, the revelation that the supernatural exists—a secret that was closely guarded by the royals for centuries—threatens to break the fragile trust of the kingdom's people. Amidst the turmoil, a prophecy is revealed, foretelling the union of six “chosen” individuals who are key to the survival of the world.

To her shock and disbelief, Myoria is named among the six. Thrown into a dangerous, uncertain quest, she must join forces with an unlikely band of allies to retrieve the stone From who? Is the mysterious being the one creating this chaos? Who is the villain here? and prevent its power from reaching its full potential. Along the way, she navigates a treacherous web of loyalty and betrayal, including a complicated “ love triangle/diamond” that threatens to distract her from her mission. As she grows closer to her childhood best friend, two others enter her orbit: a compelling stranger with a mysterious past and, most bewildering of all, the eldest son of the royal family.

Myoria must confront not only the power of the stone but also the makings of her own being.What does this mean? She finds herself empowered to rebuild the world she once hated and feared. The world of the court? As much as the world needs the six who are chosen, Myoria starts to realize that only true salvation may lie in her learning to trust—and hope—again. That's super vague. We need to know 1) what does Myoria want 2) what is stopping her from getting it and 3) what will she do to over come it, and also 4) what's at stake if she fails?

THE THIRTEEN KINGDOMS is a historically themed romance with a BIPOC lead, that explores the power of resilience, the bending of gender roles and the choices that shape our identity.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I’m writing to you seeking representation for All You Needed to Know, a 65,000 word YA dual-POV Thriller novel that could be a stand alone or develop into a series. Good deal, but just state it as a standlone with series potential, that's the typical phrasing.

When Dahlia Brown finally gets to leave the chaos of NYC for the quiet shores of Lake George, the last thing she expects is to find herself at a wake—or at the center of a murder mystery. She’s already gone through the ringer the past year: a rough breakup, five AP tests, and, worst of all, a requirement from her super-evil mother to get something so vile it should be removed from the English dictionary: a job. Good start, but who is dead? Why is she at the wake? Is Lake George home and she's returning to it? Is she stalled out after graduation? Why is she there and what's the reason? Also, sorry but as a 45 year old my immediate reaction to a 20 something who doesn't want to get a job has me feeling something that isn't called empathy.

Things go from bad to worse when Dahlia spots her ex, Casper, intimately comforting the granddaughter of the deceased, a despicably Do you mean despicable? Idk if someone can be "despicably blonde" but they can be a "despicable blonde" blonde girl named Vienna, at the wake. Furious and betrayed, Why would she be betrayed? That's her ex, right? Dahlia bolts, only to be stopped by Levi Guerra, a mysterious (and newly sexy?) boy from her past who claims he believes to know who murdered the man everyone’s gathered to mourn. Who is that? And why do they think he was murdered? Above it just says a wake. What is her connection to the dead person?

This information may have remained between the two of them--if Dahlia didn’t spew her guts out to Casper on their first day of work. Together. In the job they’re working together. Where at? Doing what? And why would she talk to him if she's furious and betrayed?

Despite their clashing personalities and mutual distrust, the four eventually team up to uncover the truth behind Leonardo Pesci’s death, leading them into a tangled web of family rivalries, buried secrets, and budding romances new and old. The four of them being who? The blonde, Dahlia, and the two boys?

And, after yet another shocking murder, the stakes instantly become clear: one pair is going to uncover the truth... and the other will be dead wrong. If this is a murder mystery we need to know way more about the murders. Who is dead? Why? Who might have done it? What's the mystery? Right now this query is about romance, not mystery. But also - what's at stake? Is anyone in danger, or is it just like - we solved the murder and you didn't, neener, neener, ha, ha?

"All You Needed to Know" blends the intrigue of a classic murder mystery with the emotional complexities of young love and friendship. Fans of One of Us is Lying and The Inheritance Games will appreciate the twists and turns that challenge the characters’ relationships and reveal the darker sides of their seemingly perfect summer. Love this para, but none if it is in the query. What are the darker sides of their summer? And also, none of this is coming across as seemingly perfect since there are breakups, murder, betrayal, etc.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this, and I look forward to hearing from you. My cell phone number is []. My X account is REDACTED, as well as my TikTok and Gmail. I am currently a full-time student. I woudln't refer to your social media accounts unless you have a lot of followers, like 20k plus. Saying your a student is great, b/c that shows you know the lifestyle, but do you read mysteries in your spare time? Do you have a major that is connected to writing / English? If not, that's fine, but get some more connection to your life and the concepts in the novel

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Brynhild Einarsdottir just wants to atone for what she’s taken from her family and keep them safe. But in a world of dragons and warring kingdoms, the Northlands are a brutal place—as harsh and mercurial as the gods that rule them. What has she taken from them? What is it her job to keep them safe? Are they in danger b/c of the social pariah issue below?

After a mysterious childhood tragedy leaves her plagued by strange visions and branded with a nith—a social stigma that renders her an untouchable pariah—rage has become Bryn’s armor; an armor that grafts to her bones when her small village is invaded by the merciless Remarian empire. Cool sentence, but what does it actually mean? Does having rage grafted to her bones mean that she killed a bunch of invaders, or just like yelled and spit at them? But Bryn has many secrets, some of which she’s still struggling to unravel herself. What does this mean? A query isn't a place to tease. When the gods grant Bryn and four companions the ability to shift into dragons, she dares to hope that they can turn the tide of the occupation, but her plans are complicated by the arrival of the Remarian’s infamous dragon-slayer, Sigurd Sigmundsson.

At first, Bryn is willing to do anything to eliminate this traitor How is he a traitor if he's a Remarian fighting on the Remarian side? standing between her and the Northland’s freedom, but she quickly learns there is more to her adversary than meets the eye. As she and Sigurd draw closer together, they find themselves ensnared in the chaos of the coming war—but they’ll soon learn there are far greater forces at play than just empires. Why would they be drawing closer together, or spending time together at all? How does that work? What are these greater forces at play? What are her secrets? How are all these things tied together?

This is the age of the axe and the sword.

This is the age of storms and wolves. I mean cool but I didn't see any mentions of storms or wolves above.

This is Ragnarök.

Inspired by the old norse Saga of the Volsungs, SHATTER THE SKY, complete at 115,000 words is the first installment of a planned trilogy. Fantasy is absolutely jam-packed right now, and the trend is on it's way out, so proposing a trilogy is not a good idea. You will need to be able to position this as a stand alone with series potential Lyrical prose and lush slow-burn romance will appeal to readers of Rebecca Ross’s A RIVER ENCHANTED, while fans of Danielle L. Jenson’s A FATE INKED IN BLOOD will be drawn to the dark, fantastical setting and high-stakes action.

I am a neurodivergent drama and Shakespeare teacher with a deep love of all things fantasy and mythology. I am currently the in-house scriptwriter for The Actor's Center of Asheville and my work has been shortlisted for F(r)iction Magazine's Spring 2024 short fiction prize. Great bio!

Don't tease in the query. It's perfectly well written, but if you pull it apart it's pretty generic - girl with secrets who wants to defend her people, forbidden romance with the other side. What makes this different from every other story with this plot? Even the shape shifting dragon element isn't enough - plenty of stories have that as well. What are her secrets? What is at stake? What does she want? What stands in the way of her getting it? What will she do to overcome the obstacles, and what happens if she fails?