Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.
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My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.
I am contacting you for representation of my YA Romance Fantasy, THE THIRTEEN KINGDOMS, my debut novel. The manuscript is complete at 130,000 words, and can stand alone or become a series. It would appeal to fans of Jennifer L. Armentrout’s FROM BLOOD AND ASH and Holly Black’s THE CRUEL PRINCE. Stating that you're querying them seeking representation isn't necessary, they assume that, as well as that it's your debut. I'd put comp titles, series potential, etc., at the bottom. Right now fantasy is clogged, especially in YA, and the genre is losing heat. Your word count is high, so that's not going to do you any favors. Try to get it down to 100k, at least
THE THIRTEEN KINGDOMS is set in a world vaguely inspired by medieval Europe Also just kind of an assumed, unless you state otherwise.
In the small, suffocating village bordering the 13th kingdom, Myoria leads a life of suppressed rebellion and lingering grief. Years earlier, her father had been falsely accused of treason and executed on orders from the royal court—a betrayal Good so far, but how is it a betrayal? Did he work for the court? that tore her family apart and instilled in her a hardened distrust of authority and a hatred at the society that allows for it. Allows for authority? Most societies allow for some authority. I'd end this sentence after authority Now as she is trying tries to keep her fragile household afloat—her sickly mother, and the devoted best friend who has always been there for her—Myoria dreams of running away, even as her cynicism mutters that freedom will never be in the cards for her. Running away for what, and to where? It sounds like she's keeping her people together through loyalty, but when it's also referred to her lacking freedom, it feels a little murky
But when a long-buried relic—a mystical stone of unimaginable power—is unearthed by a mysterious being, Myoria's world is turned upside down. The stone’s abilities, chief among them the power to control minds, unleash chaos throughout the kingdoms. Worse still, the revelation that the supernatural exists—a secret that was closely guarded by the royals for centuries—threatens to break the fragile trust of the kingdom's people. Amidst the turmoil, a prophecy is revealed, foretelling the union of six “chosen” individuals who are key to the survival of the world.
To her shock and disbelief, Myoria is named among the six. Thrown into a dangerous, uncertain quest, she must join forces with an unlikely band of allies to retrieve the stone From who? Is the mysterious being the one creating this chaos? Who is the villain here? and prevent its power from reaching its full potential. Along the way, she navigates a treacherous web of loyalty and betrayal, including a complicated “ love triangle/diamond” that threatens to distract her from her mission. As she grows closer to her childhood best friend, two others enter her orbit: a compelling stranger with a mysterious past and, most bewildering of all, the eldest son of the royal family.
Myoria must confront not only the power of the stone but also the makings of her own being.What does this mean? She finds herself empowered to rebuild the world she once hated and feared. The world of the court? As much as the world needs the six who are chosen, Myoria starts to realize that only true salvation may lie in her learning to trust—and hope—again. That's super vague. We need to know 1) what does Myoria want 2) what is stopping her from getting it and 3) what will she do to over come it, and also 4) what's at stake if she fails?
THE THIRTEEN KINGDOMS is a historically themed romance with a BIPOC lead, that explores the power of resilience, the bending of gender roles and the choices that shape our identity.