The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Seventeen-year-old Cal Anderson has a secret: he can rewind time five seconds. It’s a neat trick for dodging punches or cheating on tests, but when he discovers his ability comes from the Roman gods—and that his destiny is written in an ancient book of prophecies—his life veers off course. This is a great hook! Cal isn’t just an ordinary teenager; he’s the reincarnated grandson of Julius Caesar, descended from Venus herself. And the accident that killed his mother? Maybe it wasn’t his fault after all. I think a little more here. Is this something that he's always blamed himself for? What happened? Just a line would help.

When Cal finds a new prophecy hinting at his mother’s resurrection, he’s willing to risk everything to bring her back—even if it means rewriting history. But the gods who took her from him have laid a trap: to complete the prophecy, Cal must travel to 408 AD, How, if he can only go back five seconds? a time when barbarian Goths stand on the brink of burning Rome to the ground. If he fails, Fails at what? the city will fall. How is it a trap? What do the gods gain? If he succeeds, the consequences could be even worse. What does this mean? Along the way, he falls for Amalia, a half-Goth girl fated to die in his prophecy.What's the timeline here? Is he existing in both the present and the past? With the gods pulling the strings, Cal faces an impossible choice: save his mother, protect the city, or follow his heart—even if it means dooming them all. Why would following his heart mean dooming them all?

THE AMULETS OF CAESAR is a 92,000-word YA historical fantasy that blends the fatalistic themes of Threads That Bind by Kika Hatzopoulou with the mythological stakes of Lore by Alexandra Bracken and the cunning heists of Among Thieves by M.J. Kuhn. It is a standalone novel with series potential.

I’m querying you because [personalized reason for querying the agent]. My passion for history has fueled a lifelong obsession with ancient civilizations, leading to trips to Rome and Istanbul and an alarming ability to turn any conversation into a history lesson.

Overall, this is in pretty good shape, but you need to draw the plot a little more clearly. Why does he have to save one or the other? Why would the gods lay this trap in the first place, are they just being cruel and this is entertainment for them? Draw more clearly the through lines between the fate of the city and the fate of the women in his life, and what outcomes result from each. Also, I don't really know what he's supposed to be doing... leading an army? Fighting? It just says "if he fails," so we need more detail there.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Imagine yourself walking out of your apartment building on your way to pick up your morning coffee. You notice a rather out-of-place man looking through some garbage on the street. As you walk by him, a van parked along the street’s doors blast open, the garbage man flips off his dirty, tattered clothes displaying a blue windbreaker with the word “POLICE” emblazoned across the back. Detectives pour out of the van and city police cars with lights flashing block the streets ahead and behind you. Commands of “get on the ground” and “show me your hands” shatter the still, crisp morning air. This isn't a great way to start a query. You're basically sharing a scene, and asking the agent to consider themselves as your main character. It's not that much different from starting with a rhetorical question, and the scene itself is a pretty standard takedown scene, there's nothing new or original about it. I also thought the man on the street with the garabage was the one being arrested, so overall not a good way to introduce your book. Start with the hook.

Richard “Rick” Wayne is a successful businessman and third generation owner of his family’s manufacturing business who found himself in this exact situation. “Innocence Framed” follows Rick on his journey across the country running from the law searching for who framed him and why. Framed him for what? Murder? Money laundering? I don't know what he supposedly did or did not do. During his journey, he exhausts those he would naturally suspect of framing him and enlists the help from unlikely sources as well as some friendly sources. He uncovers a serial killer who had been weaving her craft of destruction and vengeance who was completely unnoticed by law enforcement. This is all very vague. I don't know what he's been framed for, or what if any connection there is to his business, or this serial killer.

Innocence Framed is an 85,000-word novel set in modern times and looks at the possibility of innocent people being charged and convicted with their own shed DNA. How does DNA come into it? There's no indication in the description. It will appeal to readers who enjoy the suspense of Harlan Coben's thrillers, or the relentless pursuit of "The Fugitive," and the chilling psychology of serial killer novels like "The Silence of the Lambs." I appreciate your time for reading my email and first five pages of my novel. I look forward to talking to you soon and can send you the entire manuscript when requested. You're using up a lot of space and word count here for comp titles, while giving almost no information about your book itself. A query needs to establish what the main character wants, what stands in the way of them getting it, what they will do to overcome those obstacles, and what is at risk if they fail. Right now this isn't doing that.

I am REDACTED. My life has taken a wandering path after graduating from high school in 1985. I worked for nearly 30 years as a machinist before finishing my undergrad degree in legal studies and attending law school. I graduated from law school at 49 and currently practice law in Colorado. Good bio in that it's clear you have some knowledge of law, but what kind of law? Is it related at all to anything in the book?

I am seeking representation for Innocence Framed. I currently am editing the initial draft. I do have an idea for a follow up novel with Rick. Thank you for taking the time to review my submission. Don't bother with this info, it's just taking up space. You're querying, so they assume you're seeking representation. Definitely don't say that you are still editing it; they want you to have a final, polished version in hand if you've proceeded to the point of querying. Same with mentioning a sequel. Right now your job is to interest them in reading the first one, and this query isn't doing that.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I am seeking representation for my thriller ALL THE MEMORIES COME TO KILL (89,000 words) in which a man is blackmailed into tracking down a serial killer by a mysterious woman with his same nightmares. Since this is a little convoluted I suggest jumping right in with your hook, and put title, genre, and word count at the bottom.

Jack Foster is a Hong Kong accountant busting the books of the Hong Kong Triads. After he uncovers a triad money-laundering scheme, the gang’s enforcer derails his investigation by brutally murdering Jack's his wife, Mara. Jack’s grief turns to anger after the police run out of clues.

Then a similar murder in Los Angeles makes the news. Jack quits his job to travel there and track the killer down. While waiting to depart, he’s sent a video depicting Mara's final moments. The trauma wipes all memory of her death and with it, any plans to investigate.. That seems incredibly unlikely. He lands in LA, convinced he’s arrived for a new job and Mara will soon be joining him. .But that's not a memory wipe, that's either hallucination or severe mental illness.

Only Jack’s subconscious isn’t about to give up. His vivid imagination creates a female alter ego. an alter ego for who? Himself? who blackmails him to continue investigating under the ruse her sister was the victim.. So he's blackmailing... himself? And for what? What did he do that is worth blackmailing him for? Together,they skirt the line between reality and fantasy while torturing suspects to very real deaths. Now a psychopathic enforcer must face his ultimate nightmare—a victim. But Jack isn't a victim, technically. His wife was. crazier than he is. Only Jack’s strength depends on believing Mara is still alive, and to complete his revenge, he must first accept her death.. Does he though? If he and this female alter ego are murdering people, aren't they on the path of the killer anyway?

For the most part, this is just confusing. I don't think you want to frame this as him having his memory wiped. It's more like a psychotic break, but to my understanding, those don't tend to last for a long time, the way you need it to for this plot to work. I don't understand what the alter ego is blackmailing him for, or really what's at stake since the end game will be the same - the death of the killer - whether Jack gets his memory back or not.