The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Shortly after her tenth birthday, the outlandish and strange Emrys Edevane, an exiled dancer Was she exiled before being accused of witchcraft, or after? If she's already exiled, why would she be in public at a bonfire? known for her luminescent skin and ember do you mean amber? eyes, walked into a public bonfire and reemerged unburnt. After being hunted do you mean accused of? for witchcraft, her family staged her death and fled into the deep woods, where she has been living amongst foxes and hares ever since. And her family, I assume?

A decade later, her quiet life is shattered when she receives a message from a mysterious stranger and her brother goes missing. She discovers that her estranged father so her father isn't with her in the wilderness? has betrothed her to Lord Bastien from the oversea empire of Valaennya, and plots to kill him. So confused - is she royalty of some type? Why would she be betrothed to a Lord when she is an exiled dancer who is accused of witchcraft? And who is plotting to kill who? She's plotting to kill Bastien, or her father? Or her father is plotting to kill Bastien? Why would either one of them want to do either of those things? But upon finding her brother in Bastien’s grasp, her hands become tied and her plans backfire gruesomely. What does this mean? How do they backfire? Why does she not want to marry this Lord?

Emrys’s world is not the only thing that has fractured. As the powers of Valaennya shift, an outlaw prince rises from his kingdom beneath the ground, drawn to her light after spending decades in darkness, and threatens her betrothal to Bastien. But I thought she didn't want to marry Bastien? As a result, Bastien becomes increasingly possessive and paranoid, and confines her to the sunless tunnels beneath his castle with a warning: If she betrays him, he will ruin her. So she's WITH Bastien now? Not in exile in the wilderness anymore?

Isolated and on the verge of madness Why would she be losing her mind?, she meets Vaenyssa, the prince’s enigmatic, silver-eyed sister who hunts Valaennya’s worst men after being assaulted as a girl. Why does his sister live in the tunnels? She helps Emrys face the true, fire-breathing nature of what she is, transform her grief into strength and prepares her for revenge. Revenge against who, and for what? But not without stealing her heart.

Emrys returns to kill Bastien, Returns from where, and why does she want to kill him? but soon realises that he is no longer her only opponent. With her incendiary gifts, she has become the main pawn in Valaennya’s sadistic game of power, and when someone betrays her, the consequences are devastating.I don't know what any of this means. Why are her powers important, why would she be a pawn, and who betrayed her and why? In a desperate attempt to save herself, she is left with no choice but to do what she vowed she never would: Burn. I have no idea what this means. Burn who? Burn what? Burn herself?

THE ECHO OF LIGHT sheds light on the dark side of being chosen, of living a life that was never one’s own. I don't really know what this means, either The 90’000 word fantasy novel explores the making of a female villain, So she's a villain? and will appeal to fans of Game of Thrones and The Witcher, with a feminine and poetic twist.

I am Swiss student at the Arts University Bournemouth, majoring in screenwriting and producing, with the hopes of adapting my books for the screen someday. As per your submission guidelines, I have included the first 10 pages of THE ECHO OF LIGHT below. The full manuscript is available at your request. Thank you for your consideration.

Right now this is reading more like a synopsis than a query, and it's a little long. The query needs to establish at bare minimum -- What does you character want? What is preventing them from getting it? How are they going to overcome the obstacle? -- Right now I don't know what Emrys wants, why she would want or not want it, or what's stopping her from getting it. Motives are entirely lost and there's a lot of vague wording that isn't doing you any favors. Answer the questions within the query above, and work on getting the basics for a query in here, rather than including so many synopsis-like details.</span

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I hope you will consider HIGH SCHOOL DIARIES a YA contemporary complete at 60.000 words.

AMANDA You only capitalize a character's name if you're writing a synopsis is a freshman in high school when she decides she has had enough of her previous life. Previous life in what way? If she's currently in a life, and hasn't made any changes, she's still in that life, and it's not her previous life. Definitely dig for a better hook.

In middle school, she was known as the shy, weird outcast who barely spoke. But when high school starts, she’s determined to become the girl who goes to parties and has boys lining up to be her boyfriend—without of course ever dating any of them. Why would she never date any of them?

But as her new chapter unfolds, the challenges continue to grow, Amanda realizes she’s standing mostly alone, her only best friend grows distant, and worst of all, her love life takes and unwelcome turn. This is way, way too generic. What are the challenges? Why is she stnading alone? Why is her friend growing distant? How does her love life take a turn? What's going on? What's the plot? Basic rule of a query - what does the main character want? What stands in the way of getting it? What is at stake? How will they conquer the obstacles? This is way too generic - girl tries to make changes and loses herself along the way. Details matter - how is this any different from every other story like this? Get them into the query.

My inspiration for writing High School Diaries comes from a similar experience I had of being moved to another country and dealing with being shy but wanting a bigger life. In my free time, I enjoy cooking & baking, game nights with friends and focusing on self-improvements.

It's a nice bio, but if you have any sort of writing credentials, even membership in organizations like SCBWI, etc. mention that here. You don't necessarily have to have any prior writing experience in order to query, but try to mention any ties you might have.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I am writing to seek representation for my completed manuscript, Emperor of Bones, a 36K word Middlegrade fiction Novella that is the prelude to my YA series, The Long Road Home. I always tell people to open with their hook, not their title or word count - everyone has those. And, bad news - nobody is going to represent a novella. There's no market for them, especially not one that is a prelude to a series. And the additional problem here is that you're saying the novella is MG, but the series is YA... so you're going to attract MG readers to a series that isn't age appropriate to them. Sorry to tell you, but no one is going to read past this first paragaph, for all of the reasons listed above.

Sometimes we’re faced with a mission much too large for us, but it’s that very challenge that helps us persevere, no matter what we lose nor what the cost. Don't open with a generic we that represents all of humanity. Who is your main character. Also, you said this is for an MG audience, but this language isn't MG -- nor Emperor Write the whole title here is the shocking I don't know if shocking is a good way to attract someone to an MG manuscript story about twelve-year-old Pyralous of Istoria and his dog Maven, who are sent on a quest to deliver a satchel to the city-state of Galitross. His mission is simple, survive and do not open the satchel under any circumstance. He holds this in his heart as he traverses the country doing all he can to make it back home, Back home, as in, he already delivered it and is now turning around and going back? remembering the wise words of his Lance: I don't know what a Lance is “The road ahead is wrought with danger; your journey will be long. You will falter, you may break, but you will endure, Pyralous. Because you must. Because you are our last hope.” Don't quote your own book within the query. Pyralous is a boy with to nothing to set him apart at the start of his journey, driven by his compassion, loyalty, and desire to return home. His youth is both an advantage and hinderance as he’s manipulated by the adults around him into doing their bidding and learns that there’s no one he can trust more than himself and Maven. How do compassion and loyalty fit into the plot? The dual timeline Why is it dual timeline? story leads to a startling conclusion Don't tell us it's startling, show us. And the conclusion doesn't really need to show up in a query, that's more of the role of a synopsis as he learns the truth about his mission and loses what is most precious to him. What does this mean? What is the truth about his mission? What is most precious to him? Yet, it’s not without catharsis, for he discovers that there’s more to himself, and more to what home truly means. Tragic, at times funny, harrowing, and full of heart, Emperor is a story that will resonate within its readers for years. You're not really telling us anything about the plot. You're telling us that it's funny or harrowing, and full of heart, instead of showing us how it is those things. Fans of books such as A Wrinkle In Time and The Giver, which inspired me to create worlds of my own, will be enraptured by Pyralous’s adventure, as my early readers already are. Don't bother mentioning early readeres such as friends, family, or critique partners. You have to impress the agent, and the fact that you might have impressed other people isn't really relevant here. Aside from Emperor, I have five full-length novels, a children’s book, short stories, and screen stories. Definitely don't do this. You need to focus on one thing, sell one thing, get them interested in one thing. If you've got more to share, that can come up in a phone call, if they're interested in the first thing you have offered. While researching your agency, I’ve come to believe that this book is a great fit because you’re looking for emotionally and mentally engaging stories and are in search of a manuscript unlike any out there. It's incredibly, incredibly difficult to write something is is unlike anything else out there. Claiming such a thing will only make the agent think exactly the opposite. I truly feel that your expertise and guidance could greatly benefit my book and career, and in turn my book will benefit your agency.

Right now, this isn't telling me anything about the plot. There's a boy with a mission, he has a dog, he wants to go home and... along the way he'll discover the truth about himself. That sounds like just about any other adventure story / plot. Details about how this story is different from the others that are already out there are imperative. What does the main character want? What stands in his way? What is at stake? And how will he overcome these obstacles? These are plot-relevant questions that need to be included in the query.