Enter to Win A Signed Copy of Under This Red Rock

Award-winning author Mindy McGinnis delivers a powerful psychological thriller, deftly exploring the dark places in the earth and the human mind, where what is real and imaginary isn’t so easily distinguishable.

Neely’s monsters don’t always follow her rules, so when the little girl under her bed, the man in her closet, and the disembodied voice that shadows her every move become louder, she knows she’s in trouble.

With a history of mental illness in her family, and the suicide of her older brother heavy on her mind, Neely takes a job as a tour guide in the one place her monsters can’t follow—the caverns. There she can find peace. There she can pretend to be normal. There . . . she meets Mila.

Mila is everything Neely isn’t—beautiful, strong, and confident. As the two become closer, Neely’s innocent crush grows into something more. When a midnight staff party exposes Neely to drugs, she follows Mila’s lead . . . only to have her hallucinations escalate.

When Mila is found brutally murdered in the caverns, Neely has to admit that her memories of that night are vague at best. With her monsters now out in the open, and her grip on reality slipping, Neely must figure out who killed Mila . . . and face the possibility that it might have been her.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Joanne Hoffner is a college graduate excited to start her job as an analyst for the U.S. government. But the posting never mentioned a genie named Bob confined to the center stone of a magic ring. Oh, this is fun! I'd rephrase to be concise on that last line.

Tom and Jerry are two young genies on a quest to free their uncle from this ring. It’s their first time on Earth, and once Joanne introduces them to boba tea, sushi, and Aerosmith, they think Earth’s alright.

When Jerry tries to use magic to get the ring, slightly confusing, as it seemed from the earlier statement that Joanne was in possession of the ring.. how else does she become aware of it? a spell in place to protect government property starts erasing his memory. Only Bob can undo the spell because he once cast it for a wish. Getting confusing here, I'd just say only Bob can do it, but he's blocked from communicating with other genies. However, at what point does this blocking come in? Can he not communciate with is brother? His uncle? All genies? But one thing stands in the way — the ring. It has strict instructions to block contact between Bob and other genies, amongst other genie-specific things. Lucky for them all, Joanne is not a genie.

To rescue her new friend, Joanne must free Bob from the ring by stealing it from the government and finding a renowned genie who can undo the magic on it. Confused about how she comes across the ring in the first place, and why the brothers came to her at all? Worse, this genie is in a different universe filled with nightmarish creatures and other genies with questionable intentions. But she’d better hurry because Jerry is starting to forget Tom, and soon, he’ll forget Bob, too.

THE CHAINED ONE (93,000 words) is an adult sci-fi/fantasy novel that depicts genies as aliens from a different universe. It combines Men in Black and Disney’s Alladin while evoking a sense of whimsical adventure like Brandon Sanderson’s Tress of the Emerald Sea. [custom line for agent]

I have an M.S. from The University of Chicago, where I published two research papers in chemical physics before defecting to industry to write code. These experiences came in handy, though, because the government recruits many scientists to study Bob.

Overall, I think we need to know why Joanne would have any stake in this at all. How does she get involved in this genie quest in the first place? And why does she have any emotional stake in it whatsoever? Is she a loner in the human world? Why would she care about the genie struggles in the first place?

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Everything’s perfect in the Waglan Empire, a thriving futuristic paradise powered by the magical element Elyxir. Money is obsolete, scarcity is a thing of the past, and 12-year-old Jelly has the power to destroy it all. Oh, I like this! Good hook!

THE GREENBLOOD CHRONICLES (complete at 77,000 words) is an upper middle grade fantasy perfect for fans of THE GOLDEN COMPASS and THE MARK OF THE DRAGONFLY. Based on your interest in [insert detail from manuscript wishlist], I think this could be a great fit!

When Jelly is kidnapped Why? Do they know of this power? Do they want to use it? What is the power? What does Jelly want? by the silver-skinned Greenbloods who lurk on the outskirts of the Empire — the same Greenbloods that killed her parents when she was just a baby — it’s up to her brother and their two best friends to save her. So, is Jelly not the main character? It sounds like the POV is with her brother and friends? And it’s not exactly the dream team you’d want on the job with your life at stake. Larry’s afraid of breaking curfew, let alone dealing with bloodthirsty monsters, and Cam’s dead-set on using another one of his harebrained inventions to guide the way. (Oh boy. We all know how FanPants turned out.) Sounds humorous, good voice injection

Meanwhile, in a first-person narrative The way this is written it sounds like only this POV is in first person told in alternating chapters, an unidentified Greenblood tells the story of his father’s abduction and haunting final words: “Find the Greenstone!”

Jelly’s friends journey to find her, and the Greenblood searches for the lost artifact, but as they all get closer, they uncover the dark and twisted truth about the stolen land the Empire stands on and the human cost of that so-called “paradise.” When the stories finally converge and their impossible connection becomes clear, Jelly learns she holds a power that will determine the fate of the Empire, whether she likes it or not. Whatever she does, some will suffer — and now it’s up to Jelly to decide who.

As a high school English teacher, I’ve devoted the past ten years of my life to helping my students tell their stories, and it would be the honor of a lifetime if you’d help me tell mine.

The writing here is good, but the way it comes together is disjointed. I don't know who has a POV. It sounds like the brother and friends have a journey story, but Jelly is pitched as the MC. Is she in captivity the whole time? Her learning about her power seems important to the plot, so I assume she has a POV as well, but then you mention the Greenblood having a POV, so I don't really know how many POV's there are here. Two? Three? Don't use Jelly as the hook if she's not a POV. Otherwise things here are quite strong, although I would adjust the fact that it's multiple POV's to the bottom. Structure would be - hook, Brother / Group POV para, Jelly (if that exists) para, Greenblood POV para, then clarify multiple, alternating POVs at the end.