Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.
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My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.
I am seeking representation for my literary work, KISMETROPOLITAN. I believe we'd be a good match based on your interest in dark and offbeat humor, and narratives propelled by a strong voice. KISMETROPOLITAN is an ~80,000-word novel about fledgling New Yorker Ringo Kismet as he struggles with the paradox of pursuing one’s dreams in a city that never sleeps. I typically tell people to start with their hook, but this flows well and if you are leaning on the personalization to draw an agent in, I can see how this would work. I don't know that the "paradox" of dream vs. sleeping really struck me on the first reading, but when I went back over I had a "I see what you did there" moment. I think it's clever.
The 25-year-old maladaptive daydreamer thought he had scripted his destiny perfectly: flee his New Jersey suburb, start life in the big city, triumph over obstacles, and have at least one makeover montage, all while falling in love with both a soulmate and with the city itself. Good intro. We know what the MC wants and we have a feel for voice.
Feeling claustrophobic on arrival by both his internship and his apartment, Ringo realizes emulating idols like Holly Golightly, Andy Warhol, or Carrie Bradshaw is an impossible feat. The only connection between Breakfast and Tiffany’s were Watch your tenses - you slip between present and past overpriced baguettes. Everyone's 15 minutes of fame were now 15 second TikToks. And while he had plenty of sex (and the city clinic's condoms), no one was big on love. It might be good to clarify more specifically what Ringo wants. Does he want love? Is there a dream job or career? Why emulate these people? What is the goal?
Before becoming more jaded than a Chinatown tchtchocke, Ringo's bright side is stoked upon discovering his grandmother's paperwork from Ellis Island in the floorboards of his apartment,this is a little confusing... he randomly ended up in the same apartment that his grandmother had? Or was this a known, planned thing? along with an old subway token strung on a chain. After donning the talisman, sparks of serendipity lift his spirits: he catches the F Train at any hour, even when it's out of service; he always finds 99¢ Pizza, even at expensive restaurants; and a peculiar pigeon with iridescent plumes manages to swoop to the rescue just before he gets killed by a speeding bus or exploding manhole cover. He begins chronicling these tokens of “kismetropolitan,” growing an audience Where is he chronicling them? Social media? that reinvigorates his quest to be a creature that thrives in this metropolitan menagerie. Before the year is out, he's convinced these fortuities will land him a fulfilling job, an amazing apartment, and a devoted partner. If they don't, he'll face any New Yorkers' greatest defeat: moving back to New Jersey.
KISMETROPOLITAN is an epistolary bricolage with a sprinkling of magical realism. The novel combines journal entries, correspondences and documents from immigration manifests to psychic readings, bound together by the first person narrative and articles the protagonist publishes throughout the story. Okay, so we know what it is he wants, but what is the obstacle? What does he have to overcome to make his dreams come true? It sounds like this talisman is going to make his life hunky-dory, so what goes wrong? What's the plot?
Inspired by surreal-life experiences in New York, I believe I am in the perfect position to publish this story of Zillennial coming-of-rage finding his roots. A professional writer for over a decade, my work has appeared in Interview Magazine, Newsweek, Blackbook, and Hyperallergic. I have won numerous prizes, including a NYFA Grant and a Tisch Scholarship. This past May, I completed a Fiction Fellowship at the CUNY Graduate Center. This will be my debut novel. Great bio, you've definitely set yourself up to gain the attention of an agent.
This is well written and does a good job of getting voice across, but as mentioned, I need to know what goes wrong. Without obstacles, there's no plot, and this ends on a note that suggests everything is just fine now... which isn't interesting to read about.