The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

When the mysterious dreams did not stop, This isn't a bad hook, but by using the in front of dreams your referencing them as if the reader is already aware of what they are about, which the reader is not. I'd open instead with what the dreams are, and present tense would help with immediacy Anokhi felt compelled to start writing them down. The subject is always the same: an enigmatic woman named Shaila who dances, but never speaks. Shaila’s dancing depicts intricate myths and human emotions. What myths? What emotions? If it's love stories and happiness, that's one thing. If it's Cronus eating his children and rage, that's a totally different thing. A feel for the tone - or if it's a range - woudl be good. Twenty-two notebooks later, Anokhi is no closer to knowing who Shaila is or why she appears in her dreams. But she is not one to give up.

Anokhi was adopted by her loving single mother as a baby from India. Her childhood in rural Idaho is marked by quiet unrest due to her visions of Shaila and a lack of clarity about what she wants to do with her life. Her internal turmoil eventually prompts her to drop out of high school. At eighteen, Anokhi travels to India in search of her biological parents. Her best friend Kale loves her but cannot find the courage to tell her, so she journeys alone.This is all backstory, as is (I think) the opening paragraph, due to the tense. It seems like you're starting the query in the wrong place.

Though initially overwhelmed, Anokhi soon loves India. Through an unexpected new friendship What does this mean?, Anokhi is immersed into the mystical world of Indian mythology and dance, all of which reminds her of Shaila. Anokhi realizes her search for her parents may have a bonus outcome: finally solving the mystery of Shaila that has haunted her for the past twelve years. That's nice, but there's not a lot of plot here. What does Anokhi want? What stands in her way of getting it, and how will she overcome those obstacles? Is the story about her as an 18 y/o and this journey? If so, the entire childhood paragraph needs to go, and the dreams, her adopted past, etc., all needs to be covered in a line or two. What is the actual plot of the present day narrative? Focus on that, everything else is backstory and taking up way too much room in the query.

Shaila’s Dance (50,000 words) Your word count is a little low, but I don't think it will be a problem. is a coming-of-age novel that will appeal to fans of A Long Way Home by Saroo Brierley (later adapted into the major motion picture “Lion”) and The Direction of the Wind by Mansi Shah, as it explores the themes of uncovering one’s past and reconciling cross-cultural identities in the process of self-discovery.

I am a second-generation Indian American woman who grew up in the United States except for two years of grade school in India. I am a practicing general surgeon who has always loved to write. This is my first novel.

Great comp titles and bio. I wouldn't mention it's your first novel, as that's an assumed.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

The Happy Side of Misery is an 80,000-word roman a clef. Honestly, I'm a pretty smart person and I know the phrase roman a clef, but had never known what it actually was. I had to Google it. I'm not saying everyone else will, but simplicity is important in a query A cautionary tale, the Happy Side is a dark comedy showcasing the lighter side of mental health, spiritual bankruptcy, personal failure, and the pitfalls of success.

Kevin Ferrell, a wealthy entrepreneur and male model, thinks he’s invincible. But after colliding head-on with a little blue pill, he discovers that having wealth and losing it is far worse than never having had it at all. What does this mean? Is this an addiction issue? as soon as you say little blue pill I think Viagra, so if that's not the case, use a different phrase. If it is the case, you definitely need to clarify how Viagra specificlaly would make him lose his wealth, and (if not Viagra) how any other pill would do the same

The story weaves in and out of reality as the MC—a former psych nurse—attempts to reconcile with nineteen (and counting) psychiatric diagnoses. To him, the list is laughable. And despite the efforts of a psychiatrist, psychologist, and hypnotherapist, Kevin believes the only cure is regaining wealth. What does weaves in and out of reality mean? An unrelaible narrator? Escapes of fancy? Fight Club? I don't know what it means for this story.

The story explores the challenges of a man born poor, struggling to become rich, then forfeiting everything to his inner demons—a man whose only weapon against fate is a sense of humor. So I invite you to come along as the MC—the protagonist and antagonist of his own story—recounts the happy times from his past that led to the miserable times of his present. Again, there's no real indication of the plot here. Why would the pill make him lose his wealth? That needs to be cleared up, but also, a query needs to do convey what the MC wants, what stands in the way of them getting it, and how they'll overcome those obstacles. That's the plot. Right now that's not here in this query. Also, if you're pushing this as humorous, the query is going to need more voice that illustrates that.

Appeals to fans of The Wolf of Wall Street and Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.

I am a health and wellness pioneer living in the Tampa Bay area. I work as a freelance editor, writer, and television/film producer. I belong to numerous local book clubs and frequently lecture on what not to do in life. If you have any pub or television credits, you should include those here. Being a member of book clubs isn't necessarily something that will make an agent perk up. For the most part, writers are also assumed to be readers.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

SHADOW TOUCHED is a 100K fantasy-romance loosely inspired by the myth of Pandora. Told from the competing POVs of thief Naima, Prince Greyling and Captain of the Guard, Finch, it weaves together elements of Greek, Celtic and Caribbean mythology. The story is comparable to novels like A Curse So Dark and Lonely and From Blood and Ash. Because of your interest in Fantasy and diverse stories, I thought you might find my series of interest. This is smoothly written and well flowing, but your word count is high (not too terribly though) and the fact that it's a series not a stand alone with series potential could hurt you. Fantasy is absolutely packed right now, and you'll need every advantage you can get while querying.

For Lady Naima, stealing is a way of life—a means of never being controlled. The only child of the country's greatest fallen hero, her idyllic life of debauchery is upended when the infuriatingly handsome yet insufferable Captain Finch Stewart arrives with a royal summons: return home for the King's Jubilee. Or else. Why would she be required for this? If she's a thief, why does she retain this amount of respectability? What does or else mean? What is she being threatened with?

Though she despises being told what to do, the pull of reconnecting with her first love, Prince Greyling, proves too strong, and Naima agrees. Only Naima and Grey's reunion is marred by the return of her father's murderer, the Mad Lord Solditch, who's infected Grey with the Gloaming—an ancient and deadly curse that marks the afflicted as Shadow Touched, turning them into bloodthirsty killing machines. What does that mean? Like a vampire? Are they supernatural in nature or just violent humans? Is this also how her father died? What is Solditch's goal?

The fearless Naima will do anything to save Grey, including teaming up with the uptight Finch. Teaming up to do what? When the unlikely duo uncovers the army's general possesses a series of journals that hold the secrets to Grey—and the Kingdom's—survival, they plan a heist to steal them. Why wouldn't the general be sharing this information? As Finch and Naima work together, their clashing personalities begin to belie their burgeoning friendship—and blistering chemistry. As the Shadows ravage Grey's soul, Naima grows desperate. Finch, with his own secrets at play, can't shake his rising suspicions of the Prince. What does this mean? What are his secrets? What are his suspicions? It all culminates in a showdown at the Jubilee: a fight, near death and the ultimate sacrifice place Naima in a position she never wanted—reluctant hero. This is too vague - we've got a bad guy, a prince, an unlikely attraction and really no idea what's actually going on. The Prince is cursed by someone, but I don't know why, or what their goal is. The unlikely duo are going to steal information that would save him, but I don't know why the person that has it wouldn't share that info in the first place. The Prince falls under suspicion of some sort, but I don't know what that is, or what Finch's own secrets are. Then there's a showdown, which is a standard element of any plot. What makes this different from other existing fantasy stories? Figure out the answer to that, and capitalize on that in your query.

I am a marketing professional with experience writing across various industries, including entertainment, publishing and finance. As a writer, I focus on incorporating my Caribbean background into my stories. I love to place characters of colour in white-centric worlds in order to subtly investigate what it’s like to navigate these common fantasies as POCs. I adore writing strong women of colour with dubious reputations, mouths like sailors and hearts of gold. This is a great bio, and I love it! You just need to get the uniqueness of your story into the query itself, and not be so vague about the plot.