The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

GERALD FRANCIS FINN (“Finn”) You only capitalize character names in a synopsis, not in a query is a trained fighter and enforcer who is he fighting? What is he enforcing? on the planet CARON, that was founded by the ultra-wealthy alien KERET as a haven from restrictive institutions. Finn has both seen and lived the bottom and the top of Caron society and is torn between the Caron cultural imperative of self-serving achievement, versus his intense sense of honesty and caring for others. Finn also has an impulse to action that does not always turn out as expected. What does that mean? This entire paragraph is just setting up his personality, and we have no indication of plot

When Finn’s friend LOUISE REYNOLDS is killed, his investigation uncovers deceptions and cross-purposes, and finally the apparent killer: Louise’ lover TRISTAN HELSING. Overcome by grief for his friend, Finn rushes to confront Helsing and kills him in a duel. This is reading much more like a synopsis than a query. A query needs to establish what the main character wants, what stands in their way of getting it, and what they will do in order to overcome the obstacles. This isn't doing that. It's walking through the plot points, which is the job of a synopsis, not a query

Finn thinks the mystery is solved, until Finn’s mentor WILL MACHADO accuses Finn of being the real murderer. Finn escapes and turns to his enemy, the Phair MAYHAN DEL CARRA. With Del Carra’s help Finn learns that Machado is plotting to take control of the robotic SENTRIES, the only advanced weapons on the planet. If Finn fails to stop Machado, one faction will gain total power, obliterating the few scraps of freedom that exist on Caron. How does all of this tie together? How does this plot interact with his character? What does he want? What's standing in his way? What does the murder have to with anything?

Finn’s story, STONE BY STONE, is a science fiction novel of 98,000 words. The title is inspired by Finn’s father, Charlie. A master mason, Charlie worked to build splendid buildings for the rulers of Caron. The story of Charlie’s life, and death, animates all the actions and feelings of his son. This isn't relevant information in a query. An agent doesn't really care what the title means or what the idea behind it is, and the fact that it's tied to the father of the main character means even less becuase they aren't part of the story. You need to use every bit of space you have to illustrate what Finn wants, what stands in his way, and what will he do to overcome that?

A book similar to STONE BY STONE is PROVENANCE by Ann Leckie, a 2018 Hugo nominee that explores intrigue and coming-of-age themes against the backdrop of a ruthless culture. Another would be PLANETFALL by Emma Newman, a 2020 Hugo nominee for best series, where a tale of mystery unfolds on a bootstrapping colony world. How is coming of age similar to what you have here? Is this culture ruthless? We don't have any indication of what's going here other than there's a guy who is nice but realizes that won't get him ahead, his friend dies, somebody betrays him, and now a bad person is trying to take over weapons of mass destruction. Right now the culture isn't present on the page, the murder doesn't feel like it ties to the larger plot, and there's no sense of what Finn will / is going to do in order to stop the bad guy, or what is at stake if he doesn't.

About me, I am a member of the SFWA, have workshopped my writing with Craig Shaw Gardner and Jeff Carver, and have self-published four books. Unless these have really good sales numbers, I wouldn't mention them I have worked as a scientist, co-authoring papers for peer-reviewed journals. For ten years I intensively studied, and taught, the martial art Aikido. Later I worked in tech for cloud startups and companies including IBM where I achieved the title of Distinguished Engineer.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Thirteen-year-old Billy and his younger sister Megan were raised by their AI mother Darla two hundred feet underground in a two-room den. They’ve never seen the light of day and hardly know anything about their biological parents or the outside world, but Darla provides them food, education, and entertainment every day. That is, until the power suddenly cuts out, forcing Billy and Megan to evacuate the den armed with laser guns, protective clothing, a compass, and instructions to hike to the north end of the island, turn the power station back on, and call for help. Great start. Good hook, good first para

They emerge from the den in a fancy house and head north along a road congested with heavy, black mist and bordered with frail, withering forest. After barely evading death by a couple steel, black machines firing lasers, they meet up with more kids who recently evacuated underground dens. One of them discovered a diary in a nearby apartment building explaining all their parents were employees of a top-secret government corporation that opened a portal to another dimension eight years ago. So they would have been five when that happened, so they would know their parents, would have been outside, and would know about the outside world The black mist—which has diminished over time—and slew of lethal robots are emergency mechanisms designed to destroy all life on the island should anything potentially dangerous enter Earth’s dimension. But it would also kill the humans, right? Which... is the problem the kids are dealing with right now, so this isn't a great plan on their part The dens were installed to save the kids from such a potential fate. This is all reading like a synopsis, which isn't what you want. A query needs to establish what do the MC's want, what stands in the way of their getting it, and how will they overcome those obstacles? That's not what this is doing; this is walking through the plot step by step. First paragraph is great, second one needs to be more broad and less detailed. We know what they want (turn on electric) we know what stands in their way (laser robots), but we need to know how they're going to overcome the obstacles (not just they have laser guns, too) Now Billy, Megan, and the rest of the kids must find a way to get all the way to the power station, turn it back on, and call for help but who are they calling? If they have no experience of the outside world, how would they know to call out for help, or that anyone is there to answer them?—without getting liquidized, or worse. There's got to be another goal other than get the power on. Are they going to learn more about their parents, or the Earth in general? We need more emotion - what are Billy and Megan like? I have no idea of their character traits, just their names. Is there tension between the other kids? How do they feel when wandering out into the world? Are they shocked at the appearance of other humans? More emotion in general is needed, less plot detail

The Corporation is a 38,000-word middle-grade science fiction that will appeal to fans of Heidi Lang’s and Kati Bartkowski’s Whispering Pines series, William Golding’s Lord of the Flies, and the TV show Stranger Things. My debut young adult dystopian novel, The Fourth Generation, was released by Clean Reads/Astraea Press in August 2015. Clean Reads published my middle-grade science fiction novel called Picket Town in April 2018. I have a degree in Creative Writing from Fairleigh Dickinson University and won the individual award for Outstanding Achievement in Creative Writing. I also obtained an MFA in Writing Popular Fiction from Seton Hill University. I interned at Kensington Publishing Corp. in New York City in the Publicity and Marketing departments. Great bio! Just get the emotions into the query, and clean up some of the questions I have. The premise sounds good, it just needs to be drawn together with emotion, and a little less detail

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Benjamin Reed Harrison is the perpetual new kid, as his family is constantly moving. He’s not sure why, only that is has something to do with the shadowy figure his mother refers to as “THAT WOMAN” and his father calls his writing partner. Who IS this woman and why does she have such power over Ben’s family? Why do they have to move so often? And what will Ben do to get to the bottom of the mystery? My immediate takeaway upon reading this is that dad is having an affair. I realize that is probably not it, but the fact that mom refers to her as "that woman," just makes my mind instantly jump to that. If that's not the case, you might need to do some rethinking about phrasing.

THAT WOMAN…and Ben is a 32,851 word debut Middle Grade book, which tells the heartwarming story of Ben, his family and friends, and…THAT WOMAN. You don't need to state that it's a debut. Also, I'd put this paragraph at the end, along with some comp titles, followed by a brief bio. Just sitting here isn't the right place.

Name - Redacted Email - Redacted 000-000-0000

Definitely don't put your personal info right in the middle of the query. It goes at the bottom, like any letter.

Synopsis A synopsis and a query are two different things. You don't put a synopsis inside of a query, besides of which, what's below is definitley more of a query than a synopsis, so just strike this line.

Ben and his family have lived in multiple states in his fifteen years of life. He’s gotten used to being the new kid, but it doesn’t mean he likes it. Now that he is beginning to pay more attention attention to what?, he realises that the constant moving is due to a connection between his father and the reclusive A.H. Reed, whom his mother refers to simply as “That Woman”. What kind of connection? Again, it just sounds a bit like an affair, so you might need to rethink the approach.

Ben meets Jazz, a new girl who seems to charm anyone around her, and Montrose, the teen computer guru who has a way with the ladies- at least HE thinks so. The trio uncover a huge literary secret, the discovery of which could lead to Ben having to leave again, and continue on the run. A query isn't the place to tease. What is the literary secret, and how is it connected to his parents? Before that can happen, Ben has a chance to stand up to his parents and force them to decide if they want to continue to run, or face the future and build a life in Fairview. How does he go about doing that? What are they running from? Why does he want to stay in Fairview?

About the Author Don't state this, just have a bio at the end.

Having lived all over the Eastern United States, I grew up with Ben’s life. While I have written and published poetry, winning the 21st Century Emily Dickinson award for my book “Love, Loss and the Hope In Between”, this is my debut novel for Middle Grade readers. Good bio, but don't state it's your debut for MG. It's assumed.

I believe That Woman…And Ben is a perfect fit for readers who enjoy Louis Sachan, Sachar Gary D Schmidt and other authors who spin engaging tales about growing up in unusual situations and places. I’m confident that my engaging storytelling and vivid world-building will captivate middle-grade readers. Saying that your own storytelling is engaging, vivid, and will captivate people doesn't do you any favors - of course you think that. You wrote it. Get the comp authors into the paragraph with the wrod count and title, move that para to the end with the bio. And overall, get more plot into the query. What does Ben want? What stands in the way of him getting it? What will he do to overcome those obstacles? That's the essence of a query, and while some elements of that are here, they need to be brought out more, along with more plot details, such as the secret.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.