Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.
I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.
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My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.
Benjamin Reed Harrison is the perpetual new kid, as his family is constantly moving. He’s not sure why, only that is has something to do with the shadowy figure his mother refers to as “THAT WOMAN” and his father calls his writing partner. Who IS this woman and why does she have such power over Ben’s family? Why do they have to move so often? And what will Ben do to get to the bottom of the mystery? My immediate takeaway upon reading this is that dad is having an affair. I realize that is probably not it, but the fact that mom refers to her as "that woman," just makes my mind instantly jump to that. If that's not the case, you might need to do some rethinking about phrasing.
THAT WOMAN…and Ben is a 32,851 word debut Middle Grade book, which tells the heartwarming story of Ben, his family and friends, and…THAT WOMAN. You don't need to state that it's a debut. Also, I'd put this paragraph at the end, along with some comp titles, followed by a brief bio. Just sitting here isn't the right place.
Name - Redacted Email - Redacted 000-000-0000
Definitely don't put your personal info right in the middle of the query. It goes at the bottom, like any letter.
Synopsis A synopsis and a query are two different things. You don't put a synopsis inside of a query, besides of which, what's below is definitley more of a query than a synopsis, so just strike this line.
Ben and his family have lived in multiple states in his fifteen years of life. He’s gotten used to being the new kid, but it doesn’t mean he likes it. Now that he is beginning to pay more attention attention to what?, he realises that the constant moving is due to a connection between his father and the reclusive A.H. Reed, whom his mother refers to simply as “That Woman”. What kind of connection? Again, it just sounds a bit like an affair, so you might need to rethink the approach.
Ben meets Jazz, a new girl who seems to charm anyone around her, and Montrose, the teen computer guru who has a way with the ladies- at least HE thinks so. The trio uncover a huge literary secret, the discovery of which could lead to Ben having to leave again, and continue on the run. A query isn't the place to tease. What is the literary secret, and how is it connected to his parents? Before that can happen, Ben has a chance to stand up to his parents and force them to decide if they want to continue to run, or face the future and build a life in Fairview. How does he go about doing that? What are they running from? Why does he want to stay in Fairview?
About the Author Don't state this, just have a bio at the end.
Having lived all over the Eastern United States, I grew up with Ben’s life. While I have written and published poetry, winning the 21st Century Emily Dickinson award for my book “Love, Loss and the Hope In Between”, this is my debut novel for Middle Grade readers. Good bio, but don't state it's your debut for MG. It's assumed.
I believe That Woman…And Ben is a perfect fit for readers who enjoy Louis Sachan, Sachar Gary D Schmidt and other authors who spin engaging tales about growing up in unusual situations and places. I’m confident that my engaging storytelling and vivid world-building will captivate middle-grade readers. Saying that your own storytelling is engaging, vivid, and will captivate people doesn't do you any favors - of course you think that. You wrote it. Get the comp authors into the paragraph with the wrod count and title, move that para to the end with the bio. And overall, get more plot into the query. What does Ben want? What stands in the way of him getting it? What will he do to overcome those obstacles? That's the essence of a query, and while some elements of that are here, they need to be brought out more, along with more plot details, such as the secret.
Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.