Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.
I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.
If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.
If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.
My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.
I saw on your MSWL that you’re looking for______. I hope you’ll consider my adult mystery novel THE SECRET LIFE OF A PET DETECTIVE complete at 75,000 words. It combines the whip-smart amateur detective from J.C. Kenney Elmo Simpsons’ Mystery series set in the pet-themed setting set in the pet themed setting is repetitive of Julie Chase’s Cat Got Your Diamonds series. It features #ownvoice Asian American experience with a multicultural cast.
In the picture-perfect East Valley, failed Cornell vet student Clark Zhang is working as a pet shelter attendant while licking his wounds from past failures and getting his life back on track. I don't think you need the second part of this sentence. It's all easily fill in the blank for the reader Life is fine until his parents come to visit with an unexpected birthday gift: a Foreclosure notice on their family house. Clark has no choice but to accept an offer from the wealthy Baxter family for their missing poodle, despite the warning of his best friend, a cop for the local PD. So the foreclosure became his responsibility just because of family affiliation? What does "an offer for their missing poodle" mean? It might be more easily understandable if you state that it's a reward?
Then, Clark discovers why the Baxters hired him: someone wants the family heir, fifteen-year-old John Baxter, dead. Is that connected to the poodle? Why would he dis cover this? Only Clark, an underestimated pet-detective, can dig around town using the missing poodle as a cover story and find the origins of the death threats targeting John. And with his connections to the local PD, How does he have those connections? only he can update the family on the police on doings. Not sure what you're saying here. With the Baxters’ less than stellar reputation around town, they can’t trust anyone. Nor can Clark.
After the Baxters’ security guard is killed and John disappears, Clark must choose I 'd use decide if the case is worth risking his friendship with who? and life, when the death threats start showing up at his apartment. And quick, with a Foreclosure notice looming over him. Fairly awkward phrasing, retool this at the end.
I’m a Chinese Canadian female writer passionate about mysteries and multicultural narratives, who spends too much money on audiobooks.
It sounds cute, but the threads need to be drawn together. How does the poodle connect to the investigation with John? Did the family purposely draw him in, like a bait and switch? We need more plot here, right now it's just reading very generic. Also, not sure if it's a pet-centric setting if the only pet mentioned is missing. If he's still working in his full time job, cool, but put that in here so that the pet element is present. Ask yourself what about this narrative is different from any other pet-themed mystery, and get that into the query.