Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.
I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.
If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.
If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.
My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.
We all want power until it’s the reason we are hunted and destroyed for. Awkward phrasing here for your hook. Ruined Light is a tale of two powerful females, Princess Quien and Princess Rose, who navigate a fantasy world of powers Echo where with powerful and powers, plus power in first line and creatures while realizing their magic is like a dagger with no handle. I don't know what that means. I am seeking representation for my 109,000-word YA- Fantasy novel, Ruined Light. My novel is perfect for readers who love Lightlark by Alex Aster and One Dark Window by Rachal Gilling.
Quien has always felt worthless in life ever since she failed to save her father on his deathbed, which her mother, the Queen, is still resentful of to this day. When the world each year crumbles to the devastating creatures that lurk in the wild, awkward phrasing The Queen hosts a ball gathering all the last standing kingdoms. During the celebrations, Quien discovers that her mother is controlling the rebellion what rebellion? The creatures mentioned above just sound like wild animals, not a controlled force and has plans to put her sister on the throne after assassinating her. Confusing - the "her" here could refer to her mother or Quien Striking a deal with a prince to help her escape, Quien travels to his kingdom to use her healing ability to cure a sickness among his citizens. On the road, Quien's bodyguard, Terricus, hunts them down and, to Quien's surprise, decides to join them on the journey across Magnathan but fears his secret reasoning for being here. Why would she fear it? What is her suspicion based on?
Princess Rose across the world has just lost her magical ability and her best friend all because of the ruthless rebellion that wants to take out anyone with magical abilities. Awkward and run-on sentence here, and I still don't know who is rebelling or why or against who Feeling powerless and with her only companion left, Steggin, they adventure to the ancient civilization of Ioni, where a group of other Blessed who have turned into mundanes gather. I don't know if Steggin is a dog or a person, and I don't know what a mundane is There, Princess Rose feels a pull to the center of Ioni, where strange magic awakes, granting her a new ability: death. Given this second chance, Rose hunts down the prince and rebels who betrayed her and gets the revenge she deserves. What does it mean to give her the ability of death? Everyone has the ability to kill someone, you just need a weapon. Why is this special. Who is this prince and who are the rebels, and what connection at all do these two women have to each other?
As an author, I have a solid educational background. I hold a bachelor's degree in middle education from the University of Cincinnati. I actively participate in multiple writer and author groups and regularly attend writing conventions.
Good bio, but the query needs a lot of work. There's nothing tying these two stories together, and I don't see a spark of something new and different, either. There's magic and loss of magic, and revenge, and rebellion, but nothing to say how this is different from any other fantasy, or how all of these disparate elements come together to form a cohesive plot.