The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Benny Yonathan, a daredevil Mossad operative and his teammates must do the impossible before something terrible what is something terrible? happens to their country, the impossible which means destroying the Chavibdeh nuclear facility and the largest nuclear warhead on earth code -named, THE SECOND HOLOCAUST. Is the warhead called that, or this mission? Confused You wrote in your manuscript wish list that you're looking for plot-driven novels with strong voices. It might interest you to know that my project is a plot-driven novel with strong voices, and I strongly believe you're the right agent for my project. Stating that you've liked at your mswl is smart. You don't need to claim that you've got exactly that. It's implied that you think it's a fit.

As the Iranian government sets into motion the plot to remove the state of Israel from the map, the life of the Israeli nation,is now in the hands of Benny. "An Iran with a nuclear arsenal is the death of our country," the Mossad boss, Levi Moshe says grimly to Benny and his teammates before the they travel to Iran via Iraq as illegals for OPERATION SMILING CROCODILE. You definitely don't want to use dialogue in a query. This isn't a place to use snippets from the book.
Benny and his teammates embark on a search for Iranian citizens that can be suitable for operation smiling Crocodile. What does this mean? What do they need them for? What will they be doing? The search isn't an easy task, and it stretches for over four weeks. Their effort is rewarded when they find two Iranian brothers -Ali Khalid and Asad who hate their country with a passion but have not made it known to anyone. To say that the two brothers are excited about joining Benny's team would be a deadly understatement. They pledge their loyalty to the state of Israel and accept their roles willingly. Right now this is reading like a synopsis, not a query. You're walking us through the steps of the plot, rather than giving an overview for the plot, and a feel for the characters and tone / voice.
Sticking to the plan for Benny's cloak-and-dagger operation,What's the plan? Prime Minister Hinn's who is this? uncomplimentary speech about Iran goes viral and triggers a peaceful demonstration in Amadan, Iran. The peaceful demonstration that goes viral really repetitive language here is stage -managed and led by Ali Khalid and his younger brother, Asad. Following Benny's directive, Ali Khalid hurls curses and insults at Prime Minister Hinn and the state of Israel in a viral video. More repetition, and we're going even deeper into details in terms of this sounding more like a synopsis than a query Some hours later, an Israeli missile ballistic submarine in the Nigerian territorial waters launches a hypersonic ICBM to Amadan, Iran that destroys Ali Khalid's house. Ali Khalid and Asad later hurl curses and accusations at Prime Minister Hinn and the state of Israel for rendering them homeless in a viral video. The Iranian government officials hail Ali Khalid as their hero, little did they know that Benny is turning him gradually into an irresistible bait of ultimate destruction. Benny and his teammates wait patiently for a long time for operation smiling Crocodile to come to fruition. When the time is right, they pull off the cloak-and-dagger operation and face their last danger: the revolutionary guards. We went from intensely into the details to being incredibly vague and not giving us any clue what is going on.

A query needs to establish these things 1) What does the main character want? 2) What stands in their way of getting it? 3) What will they do to overcome the obstacles? 4) What's at stake if they fail? Some of these things are here, but certainly not all. And I have no feel whatsoever for who Benny is as a character. There's no voice or life here. Read examples of successful queries at Writer's Digest https://www.writersdigest.com/successful-queries and model yours after those. You're also pretty far over on word count by about 200 words or so. Get out of the details, answer the questions above, aim for more of an overview, and get some of who Benny is as a person into the query.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Love and Guts at the End of Times is a new adult horrormance novel complete at 70,000 pitched as Nobody Wants This but with zombies. It will appeal to fans of Wilder Girls’ hooky plot and horror vibes. Good start, I would assume that the agent you're pitching to would know this comp titles without author names attached. I don't, but it's not my genre.

If you asked twenty-two-year-old Romance Podcast co-host Viv McCallister how the world might end, she’d totally vote: large space rock collides with Earth. The second best-case scenario, sexy vampires suck everyone dry. Not zombies. It’s never zombies. So when her sister, and podcast co-host, convinces her to take a three-day date-cation with her childhood sweetheart ‘for the likes’ and the possibility of a podcast sponsorship, Viv thinks the worst that can happen is surviving a few awkward moments with a man she hasn’t seen in ten years. Great para, awesome voice. The only thing I'd consider tweaking is what I have highlighted above, just for space / flow / word count.

So of course, it's zombies. The worst that can actually happen, is her sister getting abducted by a ragtag group of surfer zombies, getting bit by one herself (how dare!), and falling for her childhood crush who might be the zombie uberlord. Or is it overlord?Not quite sure what the joke is there And to think, all she wanted was to stay home in her sweats and send her sister hilarious Instagram Reels. Did she? But why? Is she going through a breakup? Is the podcast her only job? If she wants to isolate and seal herself off, even pre apocalypse, I wasn't getting that vibe until now.

But no, hermititis I had to Google this b/c I assumed it had something to do with zombies is frowned upon by their listeners, her sister, and her anemic bank account. Now, she has to find a cure for zombie-ism, rescue her sister from flesh-hungry dude-man-bros, and fight the insatiable ache (not that kind of ache) that keeps growing for a taste of human flesh. And all of this in the tiniest sundress because god forbid she packed the Target sweats her sister forbade her from bringing (they’re not Costco for shitsake). As Captain Underpants’ is this referencing the childhood love interest? Not sure I'm connecting the dots there secrets rise like a horde of angry corpses, they’ll go from surviving the weekend together, to survival mode. Awkward phrasing here, and I'm not sure what the secrets are? Go on vacation, they said. You’ll get laid, they said. Sure. If she doesn’t die first.

After parting amicably from my agent, I am seeking representation on a new book. When I’m not drafting feral characters, I’m lovingly domesticating feral middle schoolers (as a teacher). I also hone my craft with The Uber Writing Group while sipping on a cup of coffee—even though I gave it up. Really great and full of voice! I'm not sure that anything after the Costco line is really adding much that isn't already covered, so I'd consider cutting. Otherwise, you're in really good shape!

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I’m excited to share my debut paranormal thriller, THE COUNT IN THE ANDES. I wouldn't bother with this line. The genre and title will be mentioned at the bottom, and you don't need to say it's your debut. That's assumed. Better to jump in with your hook.

Pablo García’s life is a mess. His wife is divorcing him, he’s an alcoholic, and he was just demoted from his job for a botched operation, It might be better to state where he works before this, because with this wording I immediately assumed he was a surgeon which he doesn’t like to talk about. Kind of an assumed, I wouldn't waste word count on it As a detective in Ecuador’s Terrorism Operation Division, he’s seen his fair share of violent and gruesome scenes. Now, he’s been reduced to record deaths which in a country like Ecuador and a city like Quito, happens every day. Record deaths? Or murders? And just record them? Is he investigating them, or just like walking around with a clipboard and an abacus?

However, when a dead prostitute appears drained of all her blood, everything changes. Changes how? Like changes how he feels about the job? Changes his alcoholism and now his wife isn't leaving him? What is changed?

More victims soon appear and Pablo joins forces with an intrepid journalist, Fernando, to crack the case. Their search leads them to other people connected to it. Gregorio, the son of a wealthy businessman, Johanna, a woman who survived an attack, and Alicia, a forensics official who is romantically involved with Pablo. As they navigate dead ends and close calls, they realize they are caught in the middle of a war of not gangs or drug cartels but vampires. On one side, Leonardo, an impulsive and dangerous vampire, and, on the other, Count Dracula. In the shadows, Luzmila, a vampire who works for Dracula and is Leonardo’s mother, plots the best outcome for her. I'm not sure if naming all of these characters is doing you any good. I've just got a cast list here, but no idea of what the actual plot is.

Meanwhile, Pablo’s wife, Marta, has issues of her own after Dracula kidnaps her on the eve of a momentous decision. Pablo and the rest uncover a web of secrets and lies that involve the vampires and the country’s elite, who are in league with the creatures of the night.Way too vague. Why would Dracula kidnap her? What is this momentous decision? A web of secrets and lies, plus a coup with rich folks isn't exactly brand new material. Right now, this isn't doing it's job. We need to know 1) What does the main character want? 2) What stands in the way of him getting it? 3) What will he do to overcome this obstacles? 4) What's at stake if he fails? Right now I've got a vague idea of plot that isn't doing anything new, and a cast list that I don't know how to apply to the plot. Save that space, and get information about what distinguishes your ms from all the others into the query.

THE COUNT IN THE ANDES is a 94,000-word, four-part novel As in, a series? It's better to pitch it as a standalone with series potential, especially if you're trying to push four books at once in the same vein as books like Certain Dark Things by Silvia Moreno-García, Vampires of El Norte by Isabel Cañas, The Outsider and Holly by Stephen King, and The Searcher by Tana French.

It transports Dracula from XIX-century England to present-day Ecuador and uses him as an anchor to talk about the many problems the country currently faces. Corruption, colonialism, reproductive rights, violence (especially against women), inequality, and greed are depicted in a society on the verge of collapse and where “choice” is something reserved only for the most powerful. Like Stoker’s novel, it’s written in epistolary form through journal entries and letters, and it’s also told from different points of view. So this is what actually makes it different from other books. Get this information inside of the query itself, get rid of the vague language above and show how it does these things through the query, not in an explanatory paragraph at the bottom that the agent may not even read far enough to get to

I’m an Ecuadorian writer who has mostly written for TV. I’ve written two children’s TV shows that were broadcast nationally and won two local awards. On the print side, a short story I wrote won third prize in a national competition and was published in an anthology book. This is my first English-language novel. Great bio! Strike the last line, it's assumed you don't have any novel publishing credits if they aren't mentioned.