Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.
I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.
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My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.
Thank you for taking the time to read this, I hope this reaches your deepest fantasy desires and I'd look forward to working with you if it does. I know it might seem abrupt to just jump directly into the query, but what's what is expected. You don't need to worry about an introduction like this.
Avatar the last airbender meets the fantastical universe of The Vampire Diaries with an the allure of the Cruel Prince.
Child of Legend revolves around 16-year-old Ariya. A teenager you don't need to state that's she's a teenager; you just said she's sixteen. Pick one or the other who grew up in a witch dominated society where she aspires to become a Knight for Queen Sienna's army. However, only witches are able to become Knights and she is just a mortal. After receiving military level training in her childhood, her father enrols her into specialised combat classes in Avrin Academy. Right now this is reading more like a synopsis than a query. Instead of walking us through the plot, pull the reader in with thematics Ariya's skills impress her teacher who recommends she participates in a contest with the students. Having won the contest and taking she takes the a spot on her first official quest where she meets a charming warlock named Francis, a fierce vampire Salia and a lovely warlock Alfen.
In the midst of finding the Blood Ruby on the deadly quest, she discovers something that makes her question everything about her own existence. I don't know what any of this means. I don't know why the Blood Ruby matters or what it has to do with the plot, and I have no idea what she discovers. A query is not the place to tease. It's much too vague - she finds a cool thing, and discovers something surprsiing. Revelling from the discovery, the Dragon Queen is she the dragon queen now? uncovers many other secrets along the way as she sets out to the Shadowlands where she encounters the mysterious Shadow Knight. Working alongside him, she and her allies fight back against the threat of the Dark Faeries that harbour secrets of their own. Whilst coping with her new found powers, memories and many hardships along the way.
Even the most powerful being must suffer the price. What price? I don't know what this means or what her powers are
Again, none of this really means anything to me. I don't know why they are fighting the faeries, all the discoveries and secrets mean nothing b/c I don't know what they are or why they matter. Child Of Legend is a YA fantasy adventure novel, complete at 89,444 words and is perfect for the fans of The Cruel Prince and Vampire Diaries, with series potential. Content warnings: Sex/cursing/violence I don't know if you need content warnings in a query, but it's possible that people are including them now. I am a South Asian writer. This is my debut novel and has series potential only in the fantasy adventure category. You already stated it has series potential, and mentioning the genre again doesn't need to be done Whilst I am underrepresented and not many authors in my community typically write in the fantasy element, I'm not sure that's the case? I could be wrong! this project touches my heart in a world where imagination and fantasy become a reality.
Right now everything is much too vague. I don't know what matters and why, what the character is questioning about herself, what the goal is and what stands in her way. It starts out feeling like a synopsis that is just walking us through the plot points, then gets too vague by not letting us know anything about what is actually happening.