Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.
I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.
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My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.
After Annalise Bennet loses her father, she turns to her dreams for escape, reveling in these fabricated realities to draw away from the pain. Are these like daydreams? Or sleeping dreams? Is there any sort of negative impact from these? Disconnected from reality, family doesn't like it? That is, until they reveal a perilous truth about her father’s death and the Dyson Sphere that rocks her world and everything she knows. What's the truth? We need to know the plot, a query isn't a place to tease.
Ever since she was young, seventeen-year-old Annalise has known about the Dyson Sphere, a structure that surrounds a star and captures its power for use. When an opportunity arises to travel to the Dyson Sphere—exactly what her father died building a year ago—she refuses to consider the chance. Still shattered by his death and haunted by memories of a past she cannot forget, she prefers to live safely. She has her mother to care for. A twin sister she knows better than herself. Not a complete sentence here. But when the threat of a deadly asteroid pushes her family to make a difficult sacrifice, she has no choice but to take up the chance. What is the sacrifice? Just making the trip? Why it is so scary, just b/c her dad died there? Or b/c of the truth that her dreams revealed? We need to know what is at risk. Is she currently on Earth? What is being threatened by this asteroid?
For what it's worth, the Dyson Sphere is worth echo here with reuse of worth the excitement it riled up. Endless waterfalls, perfect nights for stargazing, deep forests, quaint towns. Even more, Annalise begins to find herself again. However, she quickly realizes that the accident she believed her father’s death to be was a lie, as was the perfect life she was promised: the nights are growing longer, while the days are shortening. The creators of the Sphere are withholding the truth. Nobody knows why. As the hours tick down, time is draining, and there is little chance to search for answers before they never see daybreak again. What is at risk here? Are they just losing light? What is the danger?
For years, Annalise has been told that her dreams aren't real. But as she grapples with an unfamiliar world and struggles to distinguish between dreams and reality, a question arises: What if it wasn't just a dream? But we don't really know what her dreams are, so we don't know what the threat is. Right now I don't really see the plot. Just that she has to find the courage to go there, and when she does, everything is not what it seems, but I don't really know what's at risk, or what the danger is, or if her dreams are visions, or just hopes and wishes.
A THOUSAND BROKEN DREAMS is a young adult sci-fi romance Romance? Where? No mention in the query. novel at 99k This word count could hurt you. SF gets a little more room for world building, but as a debut novelist, if you can get this down to 85k that would raise your chances words. I am submitting this to you because [insert personalization]. My book appeals to fans of sci-fi in Marissa Meyer's THE LUNAR CHRONICLES and romance and self-discovery in Amber Smith's THE WAY I USED TO BE. This is my first novel.