Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.
I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.
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If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.
My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.
Emily is rummaging through a pile of books in a cellar. She is searching for the missing text of the Legend of Arthur, a volume that's been on her mind for a long time. Meanwhile, someone else is looking for it too. Starting out in London, October, 1948, a newspaper advertisement sends her on a quest through Europe, with twists and turns making her question this mission, and a competitor who is drawing out a side of her she’s afraid to face. But returning empty handed means losing a childhood dream to a life of silent obscurity. None of this is working - I don't know who Emily is, why a newspaper ad would send her through this, why it matters at all, what those twists and turns might be, what the mission is in the first place and why she would question it, who the competitor is, what this other side of her is, or what a childhood dream has to do with anything. These are all very vague concepts that could be applied to hundreds of storylines. What makes yours different? What makes yours stand out from any other adventure quest novel?
John Radley, a stoic historian and art collector, has his own reasons for finding the book. In the course of their mutual path, Emily and Radley’s friction as opposites sets them on the run from a hired killer and the police. Trailing a mysterious man with a briefcase, they travel through a German Oktoberfest, Parisian cafés, a lavish Italian mafia party, and the quiet landscapes in between. They meet philosophers and famous figures of the day, discovering a new perspective on the world, as well as the simple delight of venetian gelato. In time, both must decide what price ambition has, and when compassion for the other comes before personal triumph. Same story. No idea what they're trying to get, why they want it, what the goal is, what's at stake, who anybody is, why there's a hired killer and police involved, etc. It just feels like random words strung together, there's no indication of what the plot is, who these people are, or why their goal matters in the first place.
THE BOOKHUNTER (complete at 170 000 words) is like National Treasure set against a historical backdrop of the 1940’s, focusing on the two main character’s personal journey's and their budding love story. I like the pitch - National Treasure in the 1940's - but I don't know what the Treasure is, or who the people looking for it are, what's at risk, and why I should be rooting for them in the first place. I know nothing about these characters, and very little about the plot. As we talked about, this word count will tank you from the beginning, as well.
Having been raised in several countries growing up, I like to include different elements of language and culture in my writing. I have traveled and given workshops in theatre, dance and music, and come home to write in the quiet, swedish countryside.
The first three chapters are attached to this email, and the full manuscript is available upon request.
I hope this story finds interest with you.