The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

In the autumn of 1957, Anna and her identical twin Belle are hauled off across the country to attend the Larkspur Convent School for Troubled Girls. Diagnosed with hyperkinetic disorder a little more of a nod here as to what this is would be good! As a reader, I know what depression is, but this I don't have a handle on and severe depression respectively, the twins are deemed problematic by their socialite parents, who hope the school will transform the girls into normal, “pleasant” young women. Having already heard unsettling accounts about the lobotomies and electroconvulsive therapies performed at the school, Anna comes to a resolve the moment she sets foot on the grounds: she will escape with her sister. So far, so incredibly good. An indication here of what escape means - does she have a plan? Escape to where?

Each day, she scopes out potential escape echo (use of the same or similar words close together) here routes throughout the sprawling campus, but the presence of the stern nuns and the watchful eyes of the other girls—quick to snitch at any given opportunity—complicate her plans. Her plight worsens when the school’s psychiatrist, Dr. Robert Halstrom, becomes fascinated by the twins’ genetic similarities yet starkly contrasting natures, viewing them as the perfect subjects for his novel theory: that personality can be improved and transferred between dissimilar individuals by switching small portions of their brains. Dr. Halstrom promises that the procedure will not only cure both twins, but allow them to return home as the daughters their parents have always wanted. Oh, creepy!!

Desperate for relief from her overwhelming sadness, Belle implores Anna to undergo the procedure with her, seeing it as their only chance at normalcy. But when Anna witnesses a girl left unable to walk or talk following one of Dr. Halstrom’s psychosurgeries, doubt gnaws at her. Faced with this grim reality, she must choose between risking everything to escape, potentially abandoning the sister she loves, or submitting to an experiment that could alter her life forever.

Inspired by the life of Rosemary Kennedy, LARKSPUR is a gothic novel complete at 83,000 words. It combines the eerie, scientific mystique of Silvia Moreno-Garcia’s The Daughter of Doctor Moreau with the intricate twin dynamics of Brit Bennett’s The Vanishing Half.

I am on the doorstep to receiving a Bachelor of Science degree, majoring in Biological Sciences and Minoring in Psychology at Redacted. I also work in a clinical research lab, and in between experiments, I like to dream up book ideas like this one.

This is pretty much perfect. The bio shows why you're qualified to write this, the body is great, the comps are good. A couple of tweaks here and there as mentioned above, and you're good to go!

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I am seeking representation for my 48,000-word middle grade contemporary novel, JAN AND DEENA, FRONT AND CENTER. It’s a story of friendship, community, and finding your role that will appeal to fans of Get a Grip, Vivy Cohen and Magnolia Wu Unfolds it All.

Life would be sitcom-perfect for ten-year-old Deena if only she had three things:

Long blonde hair like her idol, Jan from The Brady Bunch

A get-out-of-Hebrew-school card

Fewer sisters

But honestly? She’d settle for uninterrupted screen time and a little more attention from her family. Really great so far. Good voice and setup.

When her parents decide an after school improv class will channel her “energy” more “appropriately”, what are her activities that are currently considered inappropriate? Deena grabs her chance to shine. The teacher, Ms. B, is the most fascinating character Deena has ever met, and the friendships she makes on stage make her feel both part of the team and like a real star at last. Life is almost perfect, even for a middle child with bushy hair and trouble mastering the Hebrew alphabet.

But when she learns that her sister’s bat mitzvah is set for the same day as the big improv show, Deena refuses to accept the catastrophe. Soon, she has lied to everyone she cares about, and she still has no plan for how to be in two places at once. Missing the bat mitzvah would be unthinkable, but missing her moment in the spotlight would be unbearable. To solve an impossible problem, Deena must tap into a source of wisdom from long before she was born, asking herself:

What would Jan Brady do?

lol, this is pretty great. Normally I say it's not a good idea to end on a rhetorical question, but since it fits the voice so well, I think this is okay.

Like Deena, I’m both a certified Jewish Middle Child and solidly on #TeamJan. I formerly taught fifth grade, am a member of SCBWI, and serve as the VP of Education at a large and thriving synagogue. Great bio, everything fits!

You're in great shape. One minor tweak in my question about her current activites that are "inappropraite," and I think you're ready to query!

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I am seeking representation for my YA fantasy novel, SEND DOWN THE STARS. This novel has been an ongoing project I’ve worked on for more than a couple of years now, and is a way of expressing my love for both the genre of fantasy and literature as a whole. It is mostly based on the vivid pictures I would chase in my head, though like all stories, there is a little bit of truth thrown in there. I honestly wouldn't bother with this. The story of how long you've been working on it, or your inspiration, isn't useful to help gain representation.

The stars died before she was born. This is a great hook. It's so good I would just open with this.

Eliza Sterling has never been able to explain just why her eyes have always been drawn to the stars. Like all reasonable girls, is she supposed to be reasonable? Is that a prized character trait in her world? she can examine the situation, observe the details, and reach the conclusion that to think there was anything special about the stars was only wishful thinking. And yet, she can’t bring herself to turn away from them, to pull away from their presence. This is a lot of words that are really only saying the same thing - what the first line said.

His name is Archie Griffin, and he was one of them. I'm from Ohio, so this name automatically makes me think about football. I have no idea how well Griffin's name is known throughout the general population. But here in Ohio it's an instant assocation. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Archie_Griffin Also, I have no idea what "he was one of them" means.

Eliza’s secret suspicions what are her suspicions? are confirmed to be true in the wildest possible way when she witnesses the fall of a single star from the sky and follows its light to the forest just beyond her backyard. From there, the truth is merely a shard of a shattered mirror, a reflection that changes depending on whose hand is clutching the glass. I have no idea what this means or how it conveys the plot. She is thrust into a world of magic unlike anything she has ever seen before, a world she is certain her father played a role in. Does she live in the regular world, our world? Why would she think her father had anything to do with this new world, and what role could he have possibly played?

In a desperate attempt to fix what had gone wrong in her life, what went wrong in her life? Eliza agrees to help Archie Griffin how does she know him? track down and stop the man who had taken his soul and placed it within the fiery cell of a star, just as he had done to countless others. With the help of Noah Brook and Phoenix Levisay, two boys who were bound to fall into the web of Archie Griffin and his quest for justice, Eliza Sterling must venture into the darkness that has been waiting for her. Don't bother adding the boys' names, since they aren't playing a major role in the query. Why must she venture into the darkness? What does that even mean?

Will her interference be the end of the tragedy of the stars, or just the beginning? Don't end on a rhetorical question. Also I have no idea what the tragedy of the stars actually is.

The novel is approximately 108,000 words and has undergone several drafts throughout the months I’ve spent working on it. This is the first of a four-book series, all of which have already been completed. It's assumed that you've gone over several drafts; no one should query a first draft. Your word count is high and this needs to be a stand-alone with series possibility.

Right now this is reading as a lot of disparate things that don't seem to be drawn together in a cohesive way. You say it's a fantasy, but it reads like it's set in our world, which would mean the genre needs to be tweaked. I don't know why she wants to help Archie, how her life is ruined, what role her father plays, or what her relationship is with any of the people mentioned in the query. You already know all of these things, so when you read it, it makes sense. To an outsider, it's a mish-mash.