The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

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My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

There is no love lost between Adrian Hunter and the Council. You need a stronger hook. I don't know who Adrian is, or the Council, what they disagree about, why I should care, or what genre this is. Yet as tension rises between the latter and the Aethlings, he must prevent the situation from becoming a stinky pile of myga poop. Same problem - I don't know who the Aethlings are, what the tension is over, orwhat myga poop is. Warning the Council of a takeover attempt (and not even getting a thanks in return) was just step one; the conflict can only be resolved if there’s true equality for misfits. A takeover by who? Are we talking about Adrian now? Who is Adrian? What is Adrian? Why do they care about what's going on here? What's at stake? What is the inequality? As if that’s not difficult enough, he must deal with an awkward reunion with his ex-partner—er, ex-work partner (whom he finds attractive)—and stop a spirit from causing more destruction than a clash between the factions would. Again, just not enough info. I don't know what the spirit is causing destruction to, why it matters to the plot, or what Adrian does for a job or why the partner / ex would matter.

It all started with a spirit Adrian had been chasing on a job. I don't know what their job is, and "it all started" isn't a phrase that should be buried in a query. Somehow the Aethlings were involved, and he reluctantly infiltrates the group upon the Council’s orders to discover their intentions.Again, so vague. Things only become more complicated as he finds that someone is plotting to open a portal to another dimension…which will have consequences of disastrous proportions.Like what? Add in some connections to his forgotten past and it’s the perfect recipe for disaster. All he has are his (sometimes unreliable) ability to do what? and a small ragtag group that may or may not contain spies from different parties.

The Palabrian is a 75,000-word debut urban fantasy novel with a heap of humour, a dash of LGBTQ romance, and loads of spirits.

This is on a multiple submission. Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

You're suffering from a little bit of query blindness here - you know what the backstory is and what each group is, what their roles in the story are, etc. The reader doesn't. So I have no clue how all of these moving parts work together to create a story, or what the story is. I also had no idea that this was urban fantasy - it reads like it could be high fantasy. There's no mention of real world concerns here, so I didn't guess it was urban.

You'll need to take a hard look at my questions above, and find concise ways to get the worldbuilding, plot, and character motivations into this query.

Right now, it just reads like a generic concept - there's an unclear struggle between groups, a demon and a portal, and a love interest. I don't know how they interconnect, or why this is any different from any other story with those elements.

Author Denise Williams On Writing About Body Positivity

From Denise Williams, author of the smart and sexy debut rom-com How to Fail At Flirting, comes another charming romance that touches on real contemporary issues. THE FASTEST WAY TO FALL (Berkley Trade Paperback Original; November 2, 2021) tells the story of a lifestyle writer who unexpectedly falls in love with the personal trainer she’s writing her big story about.

How to Fail At Flirting (2019) received overwhelming praise from readers and media: a #1 Library Reads pick and an Indie Next selection, the book was included in reading roundups from Oprah Mag, Cosmopolitan, Goodreads, PopSugar, BuzzFeed, The Washington Post, and more. Williams’s debut was lauded for its authenticity and substance, touching on topics of domestic abuse and race alongside a sweet love story, proving once more that romance novels have the ability to emotionally educate and uplift readers simultaneously.

THE FASTEST WAY TO FALL follows suit, tackling issues of insecurity, addiction, body positivity, and more. In a powerful author’s note at the beginning of the novel, Williams writes:

“I’ve been fat my entire life and I spent so much of my time giving others power to dictate what they thought my relationship should be with my body. When the idea for this book came to me, it was the book I needed to read. I started writing this story for myself at twenty-four when, broken-hearted and freshly dumped, I feared no one would find me attractive again. I wrote it for me on my wedding day when I was at my biggest and had never felt or looked better. I wrote it for the me of twenty-seven who fell in love with the gym and became enamored with what her body was capable of, and the me of today who keeps meaning to get back on the treadmill. I wrote it for the me of tomorrow who might need a reminder she’s strong and beautiful.”

For Williams, writing a love story starring a fat woman was a way to empower herself and others. She wrote Britta’s character in response to our society’s fascination with weight and body size, and she sought to represent the experiences of fat people finding romantic love and self-acceptance in a way that is both authentic and affirming.

In THE FASTEST WAY TO FALL, Britta Colby has been an editorial assistant at the lifestyle magazine Best Life for four years, but hasn’t had her moment to shine until now. When she’s tasked to write about her experience with FitMe, a new body-positive fitness app that includes virtual, personalized coaching, she knows that this is the big story she’s destined to write.

As CEO of the FitMe Fitness app, Wes Lawson finally has the financial security he grew up without, but despite his success, his floundering love life and complicated family situation leave him feeling unfulfilled. He decides to return to what he loves: coaching.

When Britta is paired with an anonymous virtual coach on the app, she never expects that he’s actually the CEO of said app. And she also never expects to fall head-over-heels in love with him.  Wes isn’t supposed to be training clients, much less flirting with them, and Britta’s credibility as a writer will be jeopardized if Best Life finds out that she’s dating her coach. Walking away from each other is the smart thing to do, but taking on life side by side feels like the start of something real….

Body positivity has made a huge change in the way that women look at themselves - but also other women. What are some of the ways that you see women supporting each other in this area?

Body positivity can make a huge change in how we look at ourselves—it’s so often looked at as a trend or fad, which is so telling! Being positive about one’s body has always been an option and it’s exciting to see so many more people exercising it. I think women can support each other in so many ways, but also know that it’s not just women—we can support men, non-binary folks, and everyone around us in body positivity. Here are a few ways I love to see it happening:

1.     Paying attention to our own language. Body shaming, especially fat shaming, fits into a lot of the speech many of us grew up with. Paying attention to our own language and talking about our language with friends can be so meaningful in supporting each other.

2.     Something Britta does in the book that I think can be so beneficial for all of us is to acknowledge our concerns or insecurities. Body positivity can become harmful if someone is only putting up a front of positivity while keeping fears, worries, and concerns concealed. We can support each other by listening to the people we love when they share about their body and to talk through things with them. I believe we ultimately become stronger if we can talk about insecurities with others and find someone who helps us reframe or contextualize those insecurities.

3.     It’s such a small thing, but we can support each other on social media! Most of us know the boost we feel when photos are liked or commented on. Maybe some people hate engagement but I am not those people. Like and comment on unfiltered photos! Show love when people post selfies. We spend so much of our lives on social media that it’s an opportune place to support each other’s body positivity.

This book touches on a space that is like a second home to me - the gym. But it can be a very scary and intimidating place for many people, and women often fall into that category. A lot of people - women in particular - often feel like they need to look a certain way before they can even walk into a gym. How does your book address the insecurities of someone walking into that space not in tip-top shape?

 I remember the first time I walked into my old gym, a place that became a home away from home. I was nervous people would judge me, unsure where to begin, and fearful I would fail. From gym classes to getting used to negative body feedback, walking into a gym can feel like walking into hostile territory. That’s how I felt, anyway. Britta introduces this idea of the gym being intimidating for fat people as the impetus for her review of FitMi Fitness and the series of posts about her fitness journey. As you read the book, you’ll go into the gym with Britta, you’ll see her rely on her trainer to help her get to know the space, but you’ll also see inside her head as she experiences and tries to shut down some of the insecurities I and others initially felt. There is a post where she gives a list of ways to feel comfortable when new at the gym and mentions that it’s important to celebrate wins, be they finishing a hard workout or being brave to step into the gym for the first time and consider that you belong there. Britta comes to love the gym and the way it’s a place that enables her to feel strong.

Insecurity and anxieties in relationships are always uncomfortable, and when someone feels that they are not as equally physically attractive as their significant other, it becomes more intense. How does Britta move away from that mental space in order to truly enjoy the relationship, and the person she is with, rather than allowing comparison to be the thief of joy? 

Something I appreciate about Britta is she likes her body from the beginning. Even though she experiences external fatphobia and knows the realities of how fat people are treated, she feels attractive before ever beginning the exercise journey and appreciates her body. As she gets to know Wes and falls in love with him, she doesn’t waver on her appreciation for her body, but she does question if he could be interested in her. Ultimately, she decides to believe him when he tells her he wants her, to trust her own instincts when she feels he’s interested. That’s not a small thing, especially if someone has felt insecure about their own body in the past, but love stories are about trust—trust in the other person and trust in ourselves to take the risk. For Britta, that’s a risk worth taking and once she trusts that Wes finds her attractive, that he wants her, she can avoid the quagmire of self-doubt related to him. If we’re lucky, we all find a Wes who reminds us we’re beautiful and cheers for our strength.

Denise Williams wrote her first book in the 2nd grade. I Hate You and its sequel, I Still Hate You, featured a tough, funny heroine, a quirky hero, witty banter, and a dragon. Minus the dragons, these are still the books she likes to write. After penning those early works, she finished second grade and eventually earned a PhD. After growing up a military brat around the world and across the country, Denise now lives in Iowa with her husband, son, and two ornery shih-tzus who think they own the house. How to Fail at Flirting was her debut novel and she can usually be found reading, writing, or thinking about love stories.

Chelsea Bobulski on Implementing Indie Strategies in Traditional Publishing

Today's guest is Chelsea Bobulski, whose new series - All I Want for Christmas - is traditionally published, but releasing under a rapid release model, a hallmark of Indie promotion and marketing. Also covered - how to write and promote at the same time, knowing where your time is best used, and how an author's voice and style can transcend genre.

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