The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I hope you will consider HIGH SCHOOL DIARIES a YA contemporary complete at 60.000 words.

AMANDA You only capitalize a character's name if you're writing a synopsis is a freshman in high school when she decides she has had enough of her previous life. Previous life in what way? If she's currently in a life, and hasn't made any changes, she's still in that life, and it's not her previous life. Definitely dig for a better hook.

In middle school, she was known as the shy, weird outcast who barely spoke. But when high school starts, she’s determined to become the girl who goes to parties and has boys lining up to be her boyfriend—without of course ever dating any of them. Why would she never date any of them?

But as her new chapter unfolds, the challenges continue to grow, Amanda realizes she’s standing mostly alone, her only best friend grows distant, and worst of all, her love life takes and unwelcome turn. This is way, way too generic. What are the challenges? Why is she stnading alone? Why is her friend growing distant? How does her love life take a turn? What's going on? What's the plot? Basic rule of a query - what does the main character want? What stands in the way of getting it? What is at stake? How will they conquer the obstacles? This is way too generic - girl tries to make changes and loses herself along the way. Details matter - how is this any different from every other story like this? Get them into the query.

My inspiration for writing High School Diaries comes from a similar experience I had of being moved to another country and dealing with being shy but wanting a bigger life. In my free time, I enjoy cooking & baking, game nights with friends and focusing on self-improvements.

It's a nice bio, but if you have any sort of writing credentials, even membership in organizations like SCBWI, etc. mention that here. You don't necessarily have to have any prior writing experience in order to query, but try to mention any ties you might have.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I am writing to seek representation for my completed manuscript, Emperor of Bones, a 36K word Middlegrade fiction Novella that is the prelude to my YA series, The Long Road Home. I always tell people to open with their hook, not their title or word count - everyone has those. And, bad news - nobody is going to represent a novella. There's no market for them, especially not one that is a prelude to a series. And the additional problem here is that you're saying the novella is MG, but the series is YA... so you're going to attract MG readers to a series that isn't age appropriate to them. Sorry to tell you, but no one is going to read past this first paragaph, for all of the reasons listed above.

Sometimes we’re faced with a mission much too large for us, but it’s that very challenge that helps us persevere, no matter what we lose nor what the cost. Don't open with a generic we that represents all of humanity. Who is your main character. Also, you said this is for an MG audience, but this language isn't MG -- nor Emperor Write the whole title here is the shocking I don't know if shocking is a good way to attract someone to an MG manuscript story about twelve-year-old Pyralous of Istoria and his dog Maven, who are sent on a quest to deliver a satchel to the city-state of Galitross. His mission is simple, survive and do not open the satchel under any circumstance. He holds this in his heart as he traverses the country doing all he can to make it back home, Back home, as in, he already delivered it and is now turning around and going back? remembering the wise words of his Lance: I don't know what a Lance is “The road ahead is wrought with danger; your journey will be long. You will falter, you may break, but you will endure, Pyralous. Because you must. Because you are our last hope.” Don't quote your own book within the query. Pyralous is a boy with to nothing to set him apart at the start of his journey, driven by his compassion, loyalty, and desire to return home. His youth is both an advantage and hinderance as he’s manipulated by the adults around him into doing their bidding and learns that there’s no one he can trust more than himself and Maven. How do compassion and loyalty fit into the plot? The dual timeline Why is it dual timeline? story leads to a startling conclusion Don't tell us it's startling, show us. And the conclusion doesn't really need to show up in a query, that's more of the role of a synopsis as he learns the truth about his mission and loses what is most precious to him. What does this mean? What is the truth about his mission? What is most precious to him? Yet, it’s not without catharsis, for he discovers that there’s more to himself, and more to what home truly means. Tragic, at times funny, harrowing, and full of heart, Emperor is a story that will resonate within its readers for years. You're not really telling us anything about the plot. You're telling us that it's funny or harrowing, and full of heart, instead of showing us how it is those things. Fans of books such as A Wrinkle In Time and The Giver, which inspired me to create worlds of my own, will be enraptured by Pyralous’s adventure, as my early readers already are. Don't bother mentioning early readeres such as friends, family, or critique partners. You have to impress the agent, and the fact that you might have impressed other people isn't really relevant here. Aside from Emperor, I have five full-length novels, a children’s book, short stories, and screen stories. Definitely don't do this. You need to focus on one thing, sell one thing, get them interested in one thing. If you've got more to share, that can come up in a phone call, if they're interested in the first thing you have offered. While researching your agency, I’ve come to believe that this book is a great fit because you’re looking for emotionally and mentally engaging stories and are in search of a manuscript unlike any out there. It's incredibly, incredibly difficult to write something is is unlike anything else out there. Claiming such a thing will only make the agent think exactly the opposite. I truly feel that your expertise and guidance could greatly benefit my book and career, and in turn my book will benefit your agency.

Right now, this isn't telling me anything about the plot. There's a boy with a mission, he has a dog, he wants to go home and... along the way he'll discover the truth about himself. That sounds like just about any other adventure story / plot. Details about how this story is different from the others that are already out there are imperative. What does the main character want? What stands in his way? What is at stake? And how will he overcome these obstacles? These are plot-relevant questions that need to be included in the query.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I’m thrilled to introduce you to THESAR, my 98,000-word YA novel. It’s a stand-alone novel with series potential, capturing the excitement of adventure, secrets, and treasure seeking, reminiscent of The Gilded Wolves, coupled with the themes of bonding, unexpected friendships, and loyalty found in One Piece. This is a great intro para, but I usually advise people to open with your hook. Everyone has a title, a word count, and comp titles - start with something only you have - the hook to your book. I'll add that you don'specify a genre here, which you should, and that the word count is probably a bit high. There is wiggle room for some genres, but it's hard enough to land an agent, and you don't want to have a word count be what turns them off. If it all possible, I'd try to get this down to 85k

Flori never imagined that the death of his grandfather would lead him on a dangerous quest to recover his family's stolen gold, but when he witnesses it being stolen for someone connected to his family, he's thrust into a world of secrets, lies, and unexpected allies. Confused by this... it was stolen once, then... stolen again? And it's stolen for someone with a connection to his family... Basically, I don't really understand what this is saying. It needs to be simpler, and clarified. With no time to grieve, the 17-year-old finds himself scrambling to understand the only clue given to him and to fulfil his grandfather’s last wishes- getting his family’s treasure back.

Flori sets out to find his family’s treasure and answers.Lots of repeated words here family's treasure in the past few sentences, and stolen above A twist of fate would have him meet Fija, a stealthy 17-year-old who somehow seems to know all the right and wrong people. How is she stealthy? What does that mean? Is she a thief?* For reasons unknown to Flori, she’s determined to tag along when she realizes that he’s after something and she won’t take no for an answer. The two colliding have certain aspects of Flori’s plan falling into place while simultaneously falling apart. Don't tell us this, show us People from Fija’s past come back to haunt her, and jinns, beings they’ve only heard stories about take great interest in their journey, threatening to get in their way. How are the jinns getting in their way? What is happening? The two enlist the help of Fija’s friend, Trim, a sarcastic and provoking 19-year-old who agrees to guide them to where the clue leads, What is the clue? the village Radomirë, but not without payment. The hunt for his family’s treasure takes them on a long journey, where the three sometimes butt heads but are quick to realize that they have more in common than they initially thought. Flori must fight against his own instincts What does this mean? to keep pushing forward as time runs out, and as the gold, being the last thing tying him to his family, becomes more and more out of reach.

The inciting incident in THESAR is inspired by a true story, This isn't particulary relevant, since you're writing fiction, and I wouldn't worry about mentioning it is set in Albania, and predominantly features Muslim characters. I graduated from Western University with a MA, and I work remotely as a research analyst in the youth homelessness sector in Toronto. When I’m not writing, I’m either reading manga, watching anime, or playing volleyball. I personally wouldn't bother with the last sentence. I think using the information about you that is relevant to the story is important, and anything that establishes you as a serious person (degree, job, etc) is great. But anything beyond that, not so much.

Right now, this query is very generic. We've got a search for treasure, an unlikely band of people on a journey, and some obstacles in the way. This could be literally any adventure story, ever. What makes yours stand out? What makes it special / different? I had no idea it was set in Albania or that the characters were Muslim until you said so st the end. Get the cultural elements highlighted, establish how and why this is different from other adventure stories, and get plot elements that distinguish it from any other fantasy / adventure into the query.