The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

The Happy Side of Misery is an 80,000-word roman a clef. Honestly, I'm a pretty smart person and I know the phrase roman a clef, but had never known what it actually was. I had to Google it. I'm not saying everyone else will, but simplicity is important in a query A cautionary tale, the Happy Side is a dark comedy showcasing the lighter side of mental health, spiritual bankruptcy, personal failure, and the pitfalls of success.

Kevin Ferrell, a wealthy entrepreneur and male model, thinks he’s invincible. But after colliding head-on with a little blue pill, he discovers that having wealth and losing it is far worse than never having had it at all. What does this mean? Is this an addiction issue? as soon as you say little blue pill I think Viagra, so if that's not the case, use a different phrase. If it is the case, you definitely need to clarify how Viagra specificlaly would make him lose his wealth, and (if not Viagra) how any other pill would do the same

The story weaves in and out of reality as the MC—a former psych nurse—attempts to reconcile with nineteen (and counting) psychiatric diagnoses. To him, the list is laughable. And despite the efforts of a psychiatrist, psychologist, and hypnotherapist, Kevin believes the only cure is regaining wealth. What does weaves in and out of reality mean? An unrelaible narrator? Escapes of fancy? Fight Club? I don't know what it means for this story.

The story explores the challenges of a man born poor, struggling to become rich, then forfeiting everything to his inner demons—a man whose only weapon against fate is a sense of humor. So I invite you to come along as the MC—the protagonist and antagonist of his own story—recounts the happy times from his past that led to the miserable times of his present. Again, there's no real indication of the plot here. Why would the pill make him lose his wealth? That needs to be cleared up, but also, a query needs to do convey what the MC wants, what stands in the way of them getting it, and how they'll overcome those obstacles. That's the plot. Right now that's not here in this query. Also, if you're pushing this as humorous, the query is going to need more voice that illustrates that.

Appeals to fans of The Wolf of Wall Street and Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.

I am a health and wellness pioneer living in the Tampa Bay area. I work as a freelance editor, writer, and television/film producer. I belong to numerous local book clubs and frequently lecture on what not to do in life. If you have any pub or television credits, you should include those here. Being a member of book clubs isn't necessarily something that will make an agent perk up. For the most part, writers are also assumed to be readers.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

SHADOW TOUCHED is a 100K fantasy-romance loosely inspired by the myth of Pandora. Told from the competing POVs of thief Naima, Prince Greyling and Captain of the Guard, Finch, it weaves together elements of Greek, Celtic and Caribbean mythology. The story is comparable to novels like A Curse So Dark and Lonely and From Blood and Ash. Because of your interest in Fantasy and diverse stories, I thought you might find my series of interest. This is smoothly written and well flowing, but your word count is high (not too terribly though) and the fact that it's a series not a stand alone with series potential could hurt you. Fantasy is absolutely packed right now, and you'll need every advantage you can get while querying.

For Lady Naima, stealing is a way of life—a means of never being controlled. The only child of the country's greatest fallen hero, her idyllic life of debauchery is upended when the infuriatingly handsome yet insufferable Captain Finch Stewart arrives with a royal summons: return home for the King's Jubilee. Or else. Why would she be required for this? If she's a thief, why does she retain this amount of respectability? What does or else mean? What is she being threatened with?

Though she despises being told what to do, the pull of reconnecting with her first love, Prince Greyling, proves too strong, and Naima agrees. Only Naima and Grey's reunion is marred by the return of her father's murderer, the Mad Lord Solditch, who's infected Grey with the Gloaming—an ancient and deadly curse that marks the afflicted as Shadow Touched, turning them into bloodthirsty killing machines. What does that mean? Like a vampire? Are they supernatural in nature or just violent humans? Is this also how her father died? What is Solditch's goal?

The fearless Naima will do anything to save Grey, including teaming up with the uptight Finch. Teaming up to do what? When the unlikely duo uncovers the army's general possesses a series of journals that hold the secrets to Grey—and the Kingdom's—survival, they plan a heist to steal them. Why wouldn't the general be sharing this information? As Finch and Naima work together, their clashing personalities begin to belie their burgeoning friendship—and blistering chemistry. As the Shadows ravage Grey's soul, Naima grows desperate. Finch, with his own secrets at play, can't shake his rising suspicions of the Prince. What does this mean? What are his secrets? What are his suspicions? It all culminates in a showdown at the Jubilee: a fight, near death and the ultimate sacrifice place Naima in a position she never wanted—reluctant hero. This is too vague - we've got a bad guy, a prince, an unlikely attraction and really no idea what's actually going on. The Prince is cursed by someone, but I don't know why, or what their goal is. The unlikely duo are going to steal information that would save him, but I don't know why the person that has it wouldn't share that info in the first place. The Prince falls under suspicion of some sort, but I don't know what that is, or what Finch's own secrets are. Then there's a showdown, which is a standard element of any plot. What makes this different from other existing fantasy stories? Figure out the answer to that, and capitalize on that in your query.

I am a marketing professional with experience writing across various industries, including entertainment, publishing and finance. As a writer, I focus on incorporating my Caribbean background into my stories. I love to place characters of colour in white-centric worlds in order to subtly investigate what it’s like to navigate these common fantasies as POCs. I adore writing strong women of colour with dubious reputations, mouths like sailors and hearts of gold. This is a great bio, and I love it! You just need to get the uniqueness of your story into the query itself, and not be so vague about the plot.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

In the autumn of 1957, Anna and her identical twin Belle are hauled off across the country to attend the Larkspur Convent School for Troubled Girls. Diagnosed with hyperkinetic disorder a little more of a nod here as to what this is would be good! As a reader, I know what depression is, but this I don't have a handle on and severe depression respectively, the twins are deemed problematic by their socialite parents, who hope the school will transform the girls into normal, “pleasant” young women. Having already heard unsettling accounts about the lobotomies and electroconvulsive therapies performed at the school, Anna comes to a resolve the moment she sets foot on the grounds: she will escape with her sister. So far, so incredibly good. An indication here of what escape means - does she have a plan? Escape to where?

Each day, she scopes out potential escape echo (use of the same or similar words close together) here routes throughout the sprawling campus, but the presence of the stern nuns and the watchful eyes of the other girls—quick to snitch at any given opportunity—complicate her plans. Her plight worsens when the school’s psychiatrist, Dr. Robert Halstrom, becomes fascinated by the twins’ genetic similarities yet starkly contrasting natures, viewing them as the perfect subjects for his novel theory: that personality can be improved and transferred between dissimilar individuals by switching small portions of their brains. Dr. Halstrom promises that the procedure will not only cure both twins, but allow them to return home as the daughters their parents have always wanted. Oh, creepy!!

Desperate for relief from her overwhelming sadness, Belle implores Anna to undergo the procedure with her, seeing it as their only chance at normalcy. But when Anna witnesses a girl left unable to walk or talk following one of Dr. Halstrom’s psychosurgeries, doubt gnaws at her. Faced with this grim reality, she must choose between risking everything to escape, potentially abandoning the sister she loves, or submitting to an experiment that could alter her life forever.

Inspired by the life of Rosemary Kennedy, LARKSPUR is a gothic novel complete at 83,000 words. It combines the eerie, scientific mystique of Silvia Moreno-Garcia’s The Daughter of Doctor Moreau with the intricate twin dynamics of Brit Bennett’s The Vanishing Half.

I am on the doorstep to receiving a Bachelor of Science degree, majoring in Biological Sciences and Minoring in Psychology at Redacted. I also work in a clinical research lab, and in between experiments, I like to dream up book ideas like this one.

This is pretty much perfect. The bio shows why you're qualified to write this, the body is great, the comps are good. A couple of tweaks here and there as mentioned above, and you're good to go!