The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

We all want power until it’s the reason we are hunted and destroyed for. Awkward phrasing here for your hook. Ruined Light is a tale of two powerful females, Princess Quien and Princess Rose, who navigate a fantasy world of powers Echo where with powerful and powers, plus power in first line and creatures while realizing their magic is like a dagger with no handle. I don't know what that means. I am seeking representation for my 109,000-word YA- Fantasy novel, Ruined Light. My novel is perfect for readers who love Lightlark by Alex Aster and One Dark Window by Rachal Gilling.

Quien has always felt worthless in life ever since she failed to save her father on his deathbed, which her mother, the Queen, is still resentful of to this day. When the world each year crumbles to the devastating creatures that lurk in the wild, awkward phrasing The Queen hosts a ball gathering all the last standing kingdoms. During the celebrations, Quien discovers that her mother is controlling the rebellion what rebellion? The creatures mentioned above just sound like wild animals, not a controlled force and has plans to put her sister on the throne after assassinating her. Confusing - the "her" here could refer to her mother or Quien Striking a deal with a prince to help her escape, Quien travels to his kingdom to use her healing ability to cure a sickness among his citizens. On the road, Quien's bodyguard, Terricus, hunts them down and, to Quien's surprise, decides to join them on the journey across Magnathan but fears his secret reasoning for being here. Why would she fear it? What is her suspicion based on?

Princess Rose across the world has just lost her magical ability and her best friend all because of the ruthless rebellion that wants to take out anyone with magical abilities. Awkward and run-on sentence here, and I still don't know who is rebelling or why or against who Feeling powerless and with her only companion left, Steggin, they adventure to the ancient civilization of Ioni, where a group of other Blessed who have turned into mundanes gather. I don't know if Steggin is a dog or a person, and I don't know what a mundane is There, Princess Rose feels a pull to the center of Ioni, where strange magic awakes, granting her a new ability: death. Given this second chance, Rose hunts down the prince and rebels who betrayed her and gets the revenge she deserves. What does it mean to give her the ability of death? Everyone has the ability to kill someone, you just need a weapon. Why is this special. Who is this prince and who are the rebels, and what connection at all do these two women have to each other?

As an author, I have a solid educational background. I hold a bachelor's degree in middle education from the University of Cincinnati. I actively participate in multiple writer and author groups and regularly attend writing conventions.

Good bio, but the query needs a lot of work. There's nothing tying these two stories together, and I don't see a spark of something new and different, either. There's magic and loss of magic, and revenge, and rebellion, but nothing to say how this is different from any other fantasy, or how all of these disparate elements come together to form a cohesive plot.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Xavier DeClawfada is a runaway prince of the afterlife who has lived contedly contentedly in his imagined alter ego 'Rex Thunder' for many years. I don't know what this means. What does it mean to be a prince of the afterlife? Also if his alter ego is imagined that means it's not real, so is it only happening in his head? After his escape from the King’s smothering, undying affection, his daily life now consists of pickpocketing enough change for a good hot dog and sleeping under the stars with his loyal pet/best friend. Where? NYC? Another realm? I don't have a feel for setting But when a fallen powerline takes Rex's life, his ghost must juggle finding a cure for a poisoned stranger, fighting against a descent into hopeless insanity, and avoiding the search party sent by his lovesick father. Who is this poisoned stranger and why would he be interested in helping them? Why is he descending into insanity and how is that connected to everything else?

A familiar dynamic of cat and mouse, FRIGHTENED COURAGE explores the lasting psychological effect on male childhood abuse survivors and aims to bring awareness to readers that men can be victims too. If that's the thrust of the book, it needs to be in the query. Right now this just reads like a problem of helicopter parenting. If it's a more intense form of abuse, that needs to be said in the query itself. Basic query questions-- what does the MC want? What stands in their way of getting it? What are they going to do to overcome the obstacles? The MC wants to escape his father, but it needs to be more apparent why. Elucidate how the "cat and mouse" plays out in the narrative, and also what the poisoned stranger has to do with anything.

FRIGHTENED COURAGE is a 108,000 word sci-fantasy novel. It stands alone, but I have ideas for expanding it into a series. My book would appeal to readers of ONE DARK WINDOW by Rachel Gillig. This is my debut novel. You don't need to state that it's your debut novel, if you don't have any writing credits it will be assumed. If possible, find a way to relate any qualifications, life or workplace experiences, that put you in an informed position to write this book.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

I am seeking representation for my debut novel, THE INVISIBLE WAR, a YA contemporary fantasy complete at 89,275 words. I’d describe it as C.L. Herman’s THE DROWNING SUMMER meets Irish mythology. Based on your interest in young adult fantasy, I thought it might be a good fit for your list. Good work on this. Clear, concise, reasonable word count, you've identified your genre, etc. Typically I like to see people lead with their hook, but this is business-like and professoinal so I say stick with it.

In San Diego, California, a criminal organization known as Harbingers work with demons to commit murders. Eight years ago, Terra Murphy watched them kill her father and brother. That same night, she gained two things: an anxiety disorder, and the ability to turn invisible. I mean - awesome. I'm sold. My only question is what is the purpose of these murders, and why were her father and brother targeted?

No one can tell her where her ability came from. Not the demon hunters who took her in, nor the neighborhood crows that only she seems able to understand. But one night, she meets a boy named Ben who claims Harbingers are not murderers, but people granted magical abilities by death gods after witnessing someone die. They can do everything from heal panic attacks to see the future. And according to Ben, Terra - chosen by the Morrigan, Irish goddess of death - is one of them. Confused - so are the Harbingers behind her family's deaths or not? So she IS a Harbinger, but isn't part of this organizaton? Is it just for Harbingers gone bad? Does everyone who witnesses someone die become a Harbiner, or does there have to be special circumstances? A lot of people witness someone die, honestly, so if that's all it takes being a Harbinger wouldn't be all that special of a thing, and neither would having these abilities.

Eager to find out whether Ben is telling the truth (not to mention meet these people who can supposedly heal panic attacks), Terra accepts Ben’s invitation to join the Harbingers. However, as her friendship with Ben grows, so does her increasing realization that he knows something about the night her family died – something that makes him a hated outcast among his own kind. So he is also a Harbinger? And when Terra’s attempts to uncover Ben’s secret puts his life at risk, she learns that the truth behind her family’s murder is darker than she ever imagined - and that mortals are more dangerous than gods. Confused about why she would join the organization that is behind her family's death, and why her family was targeted. The end here is really vague - secrets, learned truths, danger - that's about all I'm getting here, which can be applied to just about any thriller/suspense novel.

The first chapter of THE INVISIBLE WAR won a Best First Chapter contest held by the League of Utah Writers. As a person living with an anxiety disorder myself, I feel especially equipped to describe the quirks of my mental illness through Terra, which I feel readers with similar mental health struggles will relate to. Really, really great bio. You need to address the questions I posed above, and be more specific with the query in terms of plot. Voice is good, and I like the premise!