Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.
I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.
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My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.
Brynhild Einarsdottir just wants to atone for what she’s taken from her family and keep them safe. But in a world of dragons and warring kingdoms, the Northlands are a brutal place—as harsh and mercurial as the gods that rule them. What has she taken from them? What is it her job to keep them safe? Are they in danger b/c of the social pariah issue below?
After a mysterious childhood tragedy leaves her plagued by strange visions and branded with a nith—a social stigma that renders her an untouchable pariah—rage has become Bryn’s armor; an armor that grafts to her bones when her small village is invaded by the merciless Remarian empire. Cool sentence, but what does it actually mean? Does having rage grafted to her bones mean that she killed a bunch of invaders, or just like yelled and spit at them? But Bryn has many secrets, some of which she’s still struggling to unravel herself. What does this mean? A query isn't a place to tease. When the gods grant Bryn and four companions the ability to shift into dragons, she dares to hope that they can turn the tide of the occupation, but her plans are complicated by the arrival of the Remarian’s infamous dragon-slayer, Sigurd Sigmundsson.
At first, Bryn is willing to do anything to eliminate this traitor How is he a traitor if he's a Remarian fighting on the Remarian side? standing between her and the Northland’s freedom, but she quickly learns there is more to her adversary than meets the eye. As she and Sigurd draw closer together, they find themselves ensnared in the chaos of the coming war—but they’ll soon learn there are far greater forces at play than just empires. Why would they be drawing closer together, or spending time together at all? How does that work? What are these greater forces at play? What are her secrets? How are all these things tied together?
This is the age of the axe and the sword.
This is the age of storms and wolves. I mean cool but I didn't see any mentions of storms or wolves above.
This is Ragnarök.
Inspired by the old norse Saga of the Volsungs, SHATTER THE SKY, complete at 115,000 words is the first installment of a planned trilogy. Fantasy is absolutely jam-packed right now, and the trend is on it's way out, so proposing a trilogy is not a good idea. You will need to be able to position this as a stand alone with series potential Lyrical prose and lush slow-burn romance will appeal to readers of Rebecca Ross’s A RIVER ENCHANTED, while fans of Danielle L. Jenson’s A FATE INKED IN BLOOD will be drawn to the dark, fantastical setting and high-stakes action.
I am a neurodivergent drama and Shakespeare teacher with a deep love of all things fantasy and mythology. I am currently the in-house scriptwriter for The Actor's Center of Asheville and my work has been shortlisted for F(r)iction Magazine's Spring 2024 short fiction prize. Great bio!
Don't tease in the query. It's perfectly well written, but if you pull it apart it's pretty generic - girl with secrets who wants to defend her people, forbidden romance with the other side. What makes this different from every other story with this plot? Even the shape shifting dragon element isn't enough - plenty of stories have that as well. What are her secrets? What is at stake? What does she want? What stands in the way of her getting it? What will she do to overcome the obstacles, and what happens if she fails?