The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

Ten years ago Lucie Elsayed died and returned to life, saved by a bargain between her father and a Persian deity. Really great hook! One minor detail would be to include a slight indication her age, perhaps rephrasing this slightly so that it refers to the father taking the action in order to "save his child" Marked only by her silver hair, Lucie is ignorant of the origins of her rebirth and instead occupied with practicing ballet and attending parties. This is the first indication that the setting is actually the contemporary world. Maybe mention Paris setting sooner. But when a god of wind splits the sky and abducts her father as payment for the deal he made a decade ago, Lucie is plunged into a world of supernatural intrigue lurking beneath the streets of Paris.

Enter Wyatt, a boy with incandescent tattoos and a mandate to safeguard mortals from demons, who recognizes Lucie for what she truly is: an Immortal, a descendent of the same venerable Persian deities who have taken her father. Imbued with superhuman speed and endurance, Lucie must rely on Wyatt’s guidance to master her gifts, though he may be more insufferable than he is charming. Were the powers unknown to her before? Is she shocked? Scared? Feeling blessed? As Lucie delves deeper into the secrets of her family’s past, she suspects that defeat is not an option. If she cannot reclaim her father and unveil her buried heritage, she will lose everything she cares for as Paris is consumed by the forces her family has been bound to for generations. I think we need just a nudge here as to how they are bound. Is she like Wyatt, fighting the demons? Or is her family history tied in a different way?

EMPIRE OF IMMORTALS is the first book in a young adult urban fantasy series set in contemporary Paris and interwoven with Persian mythology. Complete at 89,000 words, it blends the evocative magic of Hafsah Faizal’s We Hunt the Flame with the wit of Tracy Deonn’s Legendborn.

As a Middle Eastern American author with a background in marketing and international relations, I am passionate about sharing the fables of my Persian ancestors. Given your interest in personalization for agent, I believe my manuscript would be a great fit for your list.

Really, really fantastic query here, including the last two paras with the personalization. I think it needs some very minor tweaks, and I would also find a way to make this a standalone with series potential, if at all possible.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

With their Confidence and hearts shredded by toxic exes, two women’s chance encounter at a birthday sparks the oppourtunity to build an adventure at building a relationship together. except But it won’t last unless the frightened one accepts who she is without shame, and the embittered one lets go of her survivor’s guilt. I like the opening here, but I think the first line could be restructured slighlty in order to make it a little more accessible. I had to re-read it twice in order to understand the beginning phrase. Other rephrasing to avoid a run on indicated above.

I am reaching out to you seeking representation for my debut stand-alone novel with series potential. The Red Carnation, set in the early 2000’s of New York, weaves a story of LGBTQ+ and romance using humor and sorrow to show the empowerment of a loving family, true friendships, and standing up to fears and prejudice. In my novel T and Maddy present both sides of what it's like to be gay: the confident ones who’ve always known and those later in life discoverers needing to find the courage to say 'I am what I am' and I am worth something. This is a summation paragraph and bleongs at the end, IMO. Also, I always tell people to skip the "I am seeking representation" statement, b/c that's kind of obvious. You're querying them.

Almost old enough to retire secretary, I'd open this different, the sentence structure here is awkward Maddy Beckworth wasted most of her life with an abusive husband because she didn’t know there was a same sex relationship choice. Didn't know it was an option like in general as a human? Or for her, individually? The way it's written sounds like the former, as if anyone being anything other than straight is news to her Newly divorced after being told for years she was useless and abnormal, What does this mean? Did her ex suspect her sexuality and drove her down because of it? she fears she doesn’t deserve to be loved, wanted and Happy. happy should not be capitalized Maddy just needs the right someone to believe in her because she really is ‘hiding her light under a bushel’.

Cusp of fortieth birthday, Dinah ‘T’ Jay, is the retired police hero, business owner, Lucky Rose PI series author and Out for years Lesbian. I'd restructure this sentence, as the way it's formulated right now makes it awkward, same with opening paragraph above. T has everything: ‘The eyes, voice, and body’, No reason to put that in quotes money and fame. She’s also still tormented by her abusive partner’s untimely death years earlier so why should she deserve to be loved, wanted and Happy. Is it a question? Needs a question mark. But also a different route here - they both believe they don't deserve to be loved, wanted, and happy, but for different reasons. Distinguish those more T just needs the right someone to ease her from the unwarranted guilt. Guilt about what? The partner's death? Why? What happened? Also, out, lesbian and happy, shouldn't be capitalized.

Maddy doesn’t understand the feelings she’s having for T; how can two women love each other Again, if Maddy has been living in New York in the early 2000's, I feel like she can't be quite this wide-eyed and naive. If it's more like - how can I feel this way? that makes sense, but that's not what's coming across here and Why would T want her, the timid mouse? T already knows she’s falling for Maddy but hopes she’s not the ‘Test the Other side’ rebound; Why would Maddy want her, the cynical loner anyway? Two wounded souls each wishing for a second chance at finding that special person who’s both good To and For them; brought together by either pure dumb luck . . . or Fate. Don't capitalize why, test, other, to, for, fate.

The Red Carnation is similar to: Reservations of the Heart by T.B. Markinson (Two women dealing with trust issues), Gold by E.J. Noyes (Second chances when you’re at rock bottom), and Gentleman Jack by Anne Lister/Sally Wainwright (Lesbian romance between a strong character and a timid one).

My potential readers market is: The LGBTQ+ community wanting relatable FF relationship stories. Fans of Val McDermid and the Gentleman Jack TV series. Anyone who likes the Outlander series. People who want to laugh, cry and identify with fiction characters, and love being drawn into their World. Loving Broadway Divas and music is a plus too. Way too much time being spent on comp titles here. Your query should only be about 300 words, and you just used half of those on comp titles. Also, if your query is doing the job of getting the thrust of the novel across, you shouldn't have to explain why something is a good comp. Save that room for talking about your own book, not other people's.

Karen is LGBTQ+. Finding the courage to divorce an abusive husband, she moved cross country, stumbled into an online same sex chat room and began a ten year, 8,000 mile apart, long distance relationship until it was legal to marry. Karen’s an eclectic bookworm, accomplished quilter and crafter. If this is your bio, it needs to be in first person.

The Saturday Slash

Don't be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey - the query.

I’ve been blogging since 2011 and have critiqued over 200 queries here on the blog using my Hatchet of Death. This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot me an email.

If the Saturday Slash has been helpful to you in the past, or if you’d like for me to take a look at your query please consider making a donation, if you are able.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I also offer editing services.

My thoughts are in blue, words to delete are in red, suggested rephrasing is in orange.

The harsh Nordic land of Skoro doesn’t care about a former slave like Thaya. I think you need a better hook in terms of getting confrontation front and center. A "land" not caring about someone doesn't feel personal, or emotional. Is there a specific person she needs to impress? Ruling power? No matter. Thaya risks everything to become a warrior, selling all her belongings and embarking on a hunt for an honor kill to prove her worth. Prove to who? But her gambit fails when Eldritch horrors infect her, we don't know what this means, or what the consequences are. Is this like zombie rules? What happens to someone who is infected? and Thaya is forced to cut off her hand to escape. From a person? Or a curse? Or what? Crippled and poisoned by a dark entity she doesn’t understand, sorry, but we don't either. I don't know if you mean she's actually crippled, likewise with poisoned. Is there a ticking clock at work here? What's the fallout of the Eldritch thing? Thaya must find new allies to survive, I thought she didn't have any allies at all? And survive... what exactly? Just the rest of her life? Or Eldritch stuff? so she turns to a secret organization called the Conclave of Nine.

The Conclave offers Thaya a chance to become a warrior in their battle against a demonic cult bent on initiating Ragnarök and the destruction of their home. The way this is written it sounds like the Conclave is bent on the destruction of their own home, which I can't imagine is accurate Worse, the cult leader seems to take takes a sadistic interest in Thaya, accelerating the eldritch horror’s infection within her and twisting her memories. Why would her memories matter? Twisting them how? Thaya must stop the cult and find a cure for her eldritch curse before the corruption devours her humanity. So now she wants to stop the cult that was initially her new allies?

For a dark and ancient power awakens, beckoned by its cultists at the end of times. The twilight of the gods approaches, and Thaya will need to find a warrior’s valor in the dark word echo with "dark" days ahead.

VALOR’S LAST BREATH: THE DARKHEART SAGA is a multiple point-of-view 127,000 word fantasy novel inspired by the Viking ages and cosmic horror. This saga mixes Joe Abercrombie’s bloody, grim-dark action and John Gwynne’s historical realism with a diverse cast, adding dashes of Cthulhu terror, fantastical beasts, and witty banter.

Your word count might be a little high. Fantasy gets some wiggle room, but as a debut trying to get attention it might be necessary to get it under 100k. Also - I see no indication whatsoever in this query that it would be a multi POV story. The only person I'm aware of as a named individual is Thaya. Also, I don't have much feel for her as a character. She's a warrior - got it - but, what else? Is she broody, or is she always ready with a good one-liner? Otherwise, this para is great!

I am a current psychology professor and trained psychologist with a PhD in Counseling Psychology, which helps me accurately and sensitively portray the mental health struggles of my characters. That is super cool, but mental health doesn't seem to play into the plot much, based on this query. I'm guessing it's tied to the Eldritch element, but as you can see from my notes above, that's my big hangup - I don't know what it is, so I don't know what's at stake.